Although Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun are not extending their current contracts, which end soon, ABC has just announced that they will be returning to All My Children in their roles as married lesbian couple Bianca (Riegel) and Reese (Braun) later this year in a storyline that promises to “tug at your heart strings.”
In a “very special Christmas episode,” says ABC, Bianca will be attacked with an ax by Santa Claus and bleed to death under the Christmas tree while Reese is having sex with the UPS delivery man upstairs.
“All My Children fans have become so invested in the character of Bianca over the years, we thought it was time to reward them with a juicy dramatic storyline for her,” said new AMC spokesperson Steve McPherson, who was formerly the head of ABC Entertainment until he was demoted after calling reporters “f–ing a–holes” at the TCA Winter Press Tour when he thought his microphone was turned off.
Previously on All My Children, Bianca has passionately held hands with her girlfriend; been sexually assaulted which resulted in a pregnancy; dated an MTF rocker named Zarf; and married a woman who cheated on her with her brother-in-law.
“When it comes to developing characters,” McPherson explained, “the writers on All My Children have always adhered to the mantra, ‘what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.'”
“Unfortunately, this development will actually kill Bianca.”
But, he stressed, this doesn’t necessarily mean Bianca couldn’t return for future episodes, “as we think of more ways to give the lesbian fans what they deserve for believing in us time and time again.”
The actresses could not be reached for comment, but industry sources tell us they were surprised by this plot twist, and were led to believe their characters were simply dropping in for the holidays to engage in the usual family melodrama.
When asked to confirm the actresses’ understanding of events, McPherson was consumed with uncontrollable fits of laughter and unable to respond.
This is a Fake Gay News post — part of series of satirical blog posts about entertainment. That means it’s (mostly) not true.