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“The Fosters” recap (3.6): SuperCallieFragillistic-expialodocious!

Previously on The Fosters, Callie and Brandon went to Mexico without passports and jumped off a cliff. On the way back Callie told Brandon off for being a privileged asshole before sweet talking her way back across the border. Jude was Out of Town or off fishing, possibly saving the world, who knows. Brandon continued his streak of are-you-kidding-me-how-much-privilege-can-this-boy-have streak by having the kid he yelled at show up and tell him that not only is he forgiven for being an asshole he has a ticket back into Idyllwild. How do I sign up for his life? Stef hired a plumber which pissed off Lena because Lena is the one keeping secrets and she can’t deal with Stef keeping them too. So they are off to therapy to save their marriage or whatever bullshit drama the powers that be have cooked up for them this season. AJ saw his granny, got a call from his brother, and told Callie he has a crush on her.

In the dream kitchen, the family is eating tacos and discussing Callie’s upcoming birthday party. Callie doesn’t want to hassle anyone, so she tells the mom to get whatever is easiest from the store for dinner. Callie wants to buy herself a car for her birthday, but the moms aren’t sure that 800 bucks is going to get her anything remotely safe or reliable. Mariana calls them out for sexism because they pay for Brandon’s monthly costs and bought him a car. When the moms say that the car isn’t just his but belongs to the whole family, Brandon is all “How dare you take something from me that I didn’t earn or deserve!”

Stef and Lena do dishes and Lena talks about how maybe Mariana shouldn’t tell Callie about sleeping with Wyatt because it’s just going to hurt Callie, and that just sucks. Stef seizes the opportunity to see if just maybe they can skip therapy. No dice. But maybe Lena should start by unburdening herself about that stupid kiss. Judicorn bops in to tell them that everything is all set for the surprise party he planned because he is the cutest little thing on the planet.

Mariana wakes Callie up to wish her happy birthday with a wad of guilt money. Callie won’t take it, but they decide that with their 1400 bucks maybe they can get a car together. Mariana says that they should just go ahead and buy one and then ask the moms for forgiveness rather than asking permission ahead of time.

The moms are sitting in therapy with a shrink who thinks they are too damn polite and suggests they each make a burn book about the other person for next week. Stef seems to think this will only make matters worse. Stef can only imagine all the things Lena hates about her and starts a slow freak out that burns for the rest of the episode.

Callie and Mariana have located the perfect car. The former owner named the car Nelson and refuses to let him go for less than her asking price. Mariana tries to play hardball and they end up walking home without a car.

Out in the garage of teenage shenanigans, AJ calls his brother who asks him where he can pick AJ up. Brandon walks in and AJ ends the call, then lies to Brandon about who he was talking to. Mariana and Callie call about the car only to find out that it has been sold. Bye bye, Nelson.

Stef tells them to get to the backyard where Callie is surprised by every person she has ever met. After Jude announces the surprise, the hair model walks in and freaks the hell out of Mariana. I am pretty sure in this house a surprise party is the only thing that can go more wrong than a dinner party.

While Callie makes the rounds to say hi to the guests (Hi Sophia! Hi Cole! Hi Girls United! Hi Rita!), Stef wants to smack the hell out of Wyatt. Lena says maybe cool it on the violence and Stef grumbles that it’s just one more thing to add to the hate list. Jude bops over all frantic because the delivery guy is late and he’s worried Callie isn’t having a good time.

Meanwhile, Brandon could give a shit about other people having a good time because he is hot on the trail of AJ. What time exactly was Mike talking to AJ today? Was it precisely 4:47 PM? Can he be sure? Brandon wants to look at Mike’s phone just to be sure.

Wyatt flips his hair back and saunters up to Mariana. She’s all, “Cool it, dude—Callie doesn’t know about us and I had a boyfriend and stuff then and I feel really conflicted.” He just kind of smiles and wants to know more about the boyfriend she no longer has.

The kids of Girls United do an awkward hip hop thing and I have secondhand embarrassment just watching it. Raphael tells Callie they miss her at the center. Maybe you shouldn’t have fired her then, dude! He wants to know why AJ is there and, just as Callie is explaining that he is her new kind of foster brother, Bobby Quinn interrupts to say hi. This is crazier than my wedding—Callie should have just had a receiving line.

Sophia hates Robert so much that she goes into the kitchen to talk to Brandon. Brandon is sulking because he thinks AJ is a shady character, but there is nothing he can do about it because he is also a shady character and trying to expose AJ’s shadiness will only expose his own. Sophia isn’t going to let that stop her, so these two team up. God help us all from spoiled, meddling teens.

Becca’s gift to Callie is a tarot reading, which of course ends with a warning about impending chaos. Well, at least that will be a change from her boring, mundane, totally predictable existence. The crack crime solving duo of Brandon and Sophia are trying to figure out how to get to AJ’s phone. It’s like an episode of Scooby Doo.

Lena checks in with Mariana about the hair model. Mariana has a foolproof plan: If she and Wyatt get Callie’s blessing to go out now, then maybe Mariana won’t have to tell Callie about the sex they had on the beach. This really is a slow moving trainwreck. Why is it always Callie getting smashed by the train?

Rita can’t help stirring the pot a little bit, so she grills Raphael about how Callie is doing at the center. She wants to know her work schedule and why she wasn’t there last week. Raphael tells her that Callie was fired thanks to AJ, her new foster brother.

Stef tells Robert how sorry she is to hear that he and Jill are separated. He reminds her that she was the one blackmailing him about the affair, and she reminds him he was the one having the affair in the first place. Don’t bother inviting me to a dinner party, birthday party, or any other party at your house, Adams Fosters. I’ll be sick that day.

Team Spoiled Brat comes up with another stupid plan to steal AJ’s phone. Luckily, AJ left his phone on the charger so Brandon and Sophia can just steal it from there. Callie and Mariana slip out of the party to buy a car. Mariana thinks they should have played hardball ,but is willing to go along with it since she wants Callie to give her blessing for Mariana to date Wyatt. Callie tells her it’s fine for them to date (but it’s sooo not fine).

Jude shows Rita a bunch of old photos from when Callie was a happy kid who liked birthdays. He wanted to give that back to her so he threw her a big party. He’s the best kid on this show by a mile.

Stef tells Lena to go ahead and add to her hate list the fact that she blackmailed Robert over his affair. Lena wishes Stef would stop calling it a hate list, and they bicker some more before Mike comes in and Lena rushes out. Mike has no idea what he just walked into. Stef tells him about the counseling and he says, “Wait, are you saying we should have gone to counseling?” Stef assures him that no amount of counseling could have turned him into a woman. Mike asks if they would still be together if he was a woman and Stef cracks up. Dear god, no.

Cagney and Lacey have AJ’s phone but he has deleted all his calls. Mariana talks to Wyatt, who is dressed like the PLL hoedown episode went to France. Lena finds Callie watching Mariana chat with Jean Wayne, and Callie isn’t exactly thrilled for them to go out. Before they can delve into the true weirdness of the situation, AJ demands Brandon give back his phone and then they start fighting. Stef and Mike jump in to break up the fight and Mike tells Brandon to “stay the hell out of it.”

Stef tells Mike that now that he has two kids he can’t play favorites, even to show AJ that he trusts him. I hear the words coming out of your mouth, Stef, but they are not lining up with your actions. Golden Bio Boy sure does get a lot of special treatment around your house.

Stef finds Sophia texting her mom for a ride home and Stef wants to know why she won’t get a ride with her Pops. Sophia is real mad that he cheated and doesn’t want to be around him. Stef sits and talk to her about the first time she realized her dad was just a guy and not a superhero. It’s a sucky moment. It’s even suckier to be a parent and realize just how far you are from perfect, and knowing that one day your kids are going to realize that you make mistakes, too.

Stef reaches some pretty annoying levels of neediness in this episode. She keeps bringing up the “hate list” and her insecurity is irritating. But I can relate—when you find someone who you think hung the moon and you fall completely head over heels for her, it’s easy to wonder what the hell she is doing with you. We joke about Stef “Steffing up” all the time, but I think in this episode we can see that those mistakes, both big and small, weigh heavily on her. She doesn’t think she is worthy of Lena. Maybe she’s worried that if Lena lays out on paper all the ways Stef is a pain in the ass she will finally see what Stef has been worrying about all along—that Stef married way, way up and Lena can do better. I can identify with that worry. I can feel it in my bones. But the funny thing is, that worry makes me a better wife, I think. It’s a little like 50 First Dates, in that it makes me never want to stop making my wife fall in love with me. I’m a difficult person. I “Stef up” a lot. I put a lot of effort into filling the other side of the scale, so it never tips too far out of my favor. Maybe that’s silly. But, silly or not, I understand Stef here. (Well, I understand everything but her weird outfit.)

Rita isn’t done stirring the pot for the night. She knows Callie got fired, and wants to know why the kid who got her fired is in her house. Callie can’t help helping other people. Rita says maybe it’s time to start helping herself instead. Rita, your advice would work a lot better for me if it hadn’t made that whole ridiculous Robert won’t sign away his rights storyline happen.

Mike: Brandon, systemic racism is a real thing.

Outside, Wyatt thinks that Callie’s birthday party is the perfect time to yell at her. Good Christ, gentlemen of San Diego. Are you all terrible? Is it something in the water? He says he is tired of tiptoeing around so Callie won’t get upset. Man, it really sucks when you have to be kind, doesn’t it? Why don’t we all act like jerk all the time? Oh, I see that’s what you’re doing right now, Wyatt. He drops the bomb that he and Mariana hooked up. Happy birthday, Callie!

Callie pulls Mariana away from the cake to grill her about the sex with Wyatt. Mariana apologizes and says she was going to tell her but that maybe dating Wyatt would mean that she wouldn’t be the girl who lost her virginity to a random guy because that random guy would be her boyfriend. Mariana just didn’t want to ruin the party and Callie snaps about it being a big party that she didn’t want. Poor Judicorn overhears that part. Callie can’t even stomp away effectively because Bobby has a surprise for her.

It’s a BEAUTIFUL VOLKSWAGEN! Bobby bought her a new car and says he will pay for the insurance on it. Callie say she can’t take it because it’s not fair to the other kids. I love how she and Jude worry about things being fair after years of getting the short end of every single stick. She also tells him not to give up on Sophia. She may hate him now, but she’ll only hate him more if he lets her shut him out completely.

Inside the house Jude is putting on his helmet to ride over to Connor’s house. Callie doesn’t get why he’s leaving and he explains that he was trying to make her happy like she used to be. She doesn’t even remember that girl anymore. He knows, and he’s going to try to help her remember because he is the best damn kid and he has one more surprise for Callie.

It’s a bouncy castle, and he and Callie and everyone from Girls United climb in and bounce until Rita crawls out of the exit seasick and begging for mercy. While they bounce, Stef apologizes to Robert for how she acted during the custody battle. Lena sends Mariana to go bounce out her problems with Callie so Stef can slide in and tell Lena she apologized to Robert. Lena finally gets exasperated with Stef’s obsession with the hate list. Every time Lena adds something to the “bad” column she finds herself sticking up for Stef, defending her, and remembering why she loves her. That’s what the exercise was all about.

Callie ends up in the bouncy castle alone. AJ comes in to give her a present. It’s a drawing he made of “Super Callie.” They make out a little and Stef sees them. Second verse, same as the first.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

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