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“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.10): A Tittin’ and a Hairin’

Not gonna lie: This is a brutal episode of Orange is the New Black. Consider this a TRIGGER WARNING.

We open in the white trash squalor of Pennsatucky’s childhood, where a 10 year old Tucky is panicking because she just got her first period. Her mother assures her that she isn’t dying, she’s just becoming a woman, or as she calls it “a tittin’ and a hairin’.” Mom tells Tucky that boys are gonna want things from her (namely sex) and it’s best to just let them “do their business” and get on with it. They then celebrate with chocolate fudge and Mountain Dew. This is how the seed of rape culture is planted.

Back at Litchfield, Officer Donuts tries to apologize to Tucky for groping her and perving out at the duck pond. He brings her a shirt full of donuts and tells her he really likes her, and Tucky accepts his behavior as totally normal. Oh girl, no.

Leanna leads a group of Normans in some shouting about feelings, where every woman takes a turn screaming out things that annoy them. One lady really hates papaya, so I’m glad she got that off her chest. Caputo tells them to stop screaming, and they complain about religious intolerance.

In the cafeteria, Alex confronts Lolly about her stalker journal, and a guard tries to break them up. Lolly claims innocence and shows her own notebook, claiming the one Alex has isn’t even in her handwriting. Alex feels like she’s going off the deep end, and gets shots for her paranoia. Meanwhile, everyone is celebrating the guilty verdict for Judy King, and starts rooting for her to get sent to Litchfield.

Piper and Stella recruit Maria, Maritza, and Flaca for panty duty, and they eagerly sign up. Martiza is psyched that she and Flaca will be “panty twinsies” again, which I can only assume is code for something sexual. Please let it be code for something sexual. Stella is all turned on by Piper’s business skills, and tries to make out with her in the yard, but Piper brushes her off. Stella thinks she needs to do some processing, but Piper assures her she doesn’t feel guilty or tortured about what happened….because she’s a sociopath? Fucking Piper, you guys. Alex sees them flirting and gets upset.

Suzanne is approached by Maureen, who you may remember as A) girl who couldn’t pick a fruit for the improv class or B) Lolly’s cube-mate who jerked it last episode. She’s been killing it this season as another weirdo background character. Maureen has set her sights on Suzanne, and she has written a poem for her and I’m dying inside it’s so cute. The poem is about the Time Hump Chronicles, and Maureen offers to help Suzanne with the lesbian sex scenes by lesbian sexing her up. She tells Suzanne to meet her in the broom closet after dinner, and scampers off after kissing her on the cheek. Go for it Suzanne! This girl rhymes “research activities” with “homo proclivities.” She’s a keeper!

Soso has a session with Berdie, and it is therapeutic and helpful because Berdie is really fucking good at her job. Soso feels bad about laughing at Leanne’s Amish roots, attributing it to nervous laughter. Berdie assures her that she can make friends, and that she’s not alone.

The kitchen crew is bored as fuck since they don’t cook anymore, but Red refuses to give up. She brings in fresh vegetables from the garden and sets about teaching the women how to cook. Meanwhile, Gloria sees Sophia visiting with her son, and fumes that she can’t see Bennie. Sophia tries to discipline her son, but he continues to be a dick and storms out. Aleida sees Gloria’s anger and hugs her, offering her some of her kids instead. Probably a good deal for everyone involved.

Tucky is sharing her donut stash with her BFF Big Boo, who still thinks she could give it a go as a lesbian. She jokes with Tucky that she should blow the guard and get them an ice cream cake, which is a terrible idea. Ice cream cake sucks: it’s shitty ice cream and shitty cake smashed together. The way I feel about ice cream cake is the way that O’Neill feels about red velvet.

Flashback! Teenage Tucky is chilling at a kickback, not dissimilar to the ones Leanne frequented as a civilian. Kids are firing guns and drinking, so you know it’s a party. Tucky makes eyes with a cute boy, until this Douche offers her a six-pack of Mountain Dew for sex. She fucks him until she gets stung by a bee, at which point she hops off his dick and leaves. She heads back to the party, where the cute boy tends to her bee sting. His name is Nathan and he’s new in town. He asks her out for a date, but Tucky assumes he’s soliciting her for sex.

Back at Litchfield, Black Cindy is on the hunt for Jewish inmates to help her with her conversion. She finds an inmate named Ginsburg, who is in jail for money laundering, and offers her commissary cash for Jewish learning. Taystee finds Poussey at Norma’s table, and tells her that she missed Judy King’s conviction. Poussey is torn between her quest for peace and her BFF. CO Ford questions Luschek’s new influx of cash, and Luschek tries to spin some bullshit but we all know it was Nicky’s drugs.

Speaking of gross Litchfield men, Delia visits Pornstache in prison. He is now stache-less and looking rough. He also calls Delia “mommy,” a word I never want to hear come out of a grown man. He complains that Daya hasn’t written him, and laments their star-crossed lover status. Delia tells him that the baby isn’t his, but he refuses to believe it. When he tells her that the promise of a family is the only thing keeping him alive, she lets him believe the lie.

Morello and Suzanne are mopping the floors, and Suzanne confesses that she doesn’t really understand sex…because she’s a virgin. Despite writing killer smut, Suzanne is nervous and inexperienced. She’s terrified of meeting Maureen in the broom closet, and Morello assures her that her first time, while awkward and weird, will be okay. When Suzanne asks her what to do with her hands, Morello helpfully suggests putting them inside the girl. The more you know.

Donuts and Tucky are on a van run, and Tucky tries to charm him into stopping for ice cream. He tells her that they are friends and she doesn’t have to barter with sex. If she wants ice cream, she can just ask. Flashback: Young Tucky and Nathan are naked in bed, watching porn together. Nathan touches her and she has her first orgasm. Suddenly, Tucky realizes why sex is such a big deal. Has there ever been a show that dealt so frankly with so many facets of female sexuality? What a time to be alive.

Morello meets with Vince, the Italian bro she hit it off with. They continue to flirt, and Morello says she feels protected and cared for with him. She tells him about another visitor who has been creepy and stalkery, and Vin promises to kick his ass. I wonder who Lorna wants revenge on?

Flaca and Maritza are feeling their cool new panties and the secret club vibe they get while wearing them. That is until they notice everyone else wearing the panties. The panty squad finds out how much money Piper is making, and decide that they want to get paid in more than just flavor packets. Suzanne approaches the broom closet, where Maureen is eagerly waiting, but she chickens out and runs off. Aww Suzanne.

There’s trouble in the Norma circle as well, as several members resent Leanne’s bossiness and controlling behavior. Everyone starts shouting compliments to Norma, calling her mom/Jesus/grandma/papaya. The Normans are sentenced to clean-up duty for making so much noise, and a newly empowered Soso gets into it with Leanne. She claims that she’s better than Leanne and she refuses to apologize for it. Way to mend fences, you two.

Red has cooked a delicious ratatouille for the kitchen crew, and though it’s a tiny portion, it’s still the best thing they’ve had in weeks. Caputo yells at Donuts for missing count and puts him on probation, threatening to fire him if he keeps fucking up.

Daya meets with Delia, who remains interested in caring for the baby. She tells Daya that she is lonely, has the means, and would be honored to raise her child. Daya starts crying and says yes to Delia’s offer. Poussey joins Taystee for the sentencing of Judy King, and everyone is bummed when it’s announced that she’ll be going to a different prison.

Piper is hanging out with Stella when Alex busts them. Alex calls Stella Justin Bieber (fair enough) and tries to get into it before storming off in anger. Piper is frustrated with Alex, and takes said frustration out on Stella’s mouth. Red catches them kissing and walks away.

Alex sees Lolly in the bathroom and confronts her about her stalking. Lolly pulls the glass shard on her and things get real. They fight and Lolly starts babbling about the NSA and wire taps and terrorism. Alex suddenly realizes that Lolly isn’t a trained assassin: she’s mentally ill. Alex stops hitting her and collapses, realizing how fucked up the situation is.

In another bathroom, Sophia and Gloria get into it. Sophia shoves Gloria into a wall, giving her a black eye. Gloria kicks her out of the bathroom. Violence is in the air, as Vince and his crew hit Christopher’s house and beat him up for Morello…man, Christopher cannot catch a break.

Flashback: Nathan’s family is moving away, but he promises Tucky that he loves her and is coming back for her. She goes back to the party, where Mountain Douche attacks her and rapes her. Cut back to present day, where Donuts is pissed that Tucky put his job in jeopardy for ice cream. He blames her for getting him in trouble, and proceeds to rape her in the backseat of the van, while panting that he loves her. It’s fucking terrible.

What did you think of episode 10? Tweet me your feels @chelseaprocrast

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