Orange is the New Black deserves praise for many things; chiefly among those is the diversity and talent of its ensemble cast. This show is filled to the brim with talented actresses and actors that keep our finger on the “play the next episode” button. Television has always been a character’s medium, but OITNB has really changed the game in terms of creating complex and flawed characters. This is due in no small part to the talented writers, who fill even the smallest characters with rich personality. Seriously, is there any other show that gives such pathos and depth to its background players?
Which brings us to Norma Romano. Sweet, quiet Norma wakes up and goes about her business, which now includes performing morning blessings along with peeling potatoes. As she is bombarded by inmates looking to her answers, Freida references The Wizard of Oz when she asks if Norma is a good witch or a bad witch.
The guards sit through a sexual harassment video, while O’Neill rubs Bell’s shoulders. Everyone is giggling at the video when Caputo yells at them to knock it off, specifically a baby-faced guard I’m calling Gerber. Caputo is flummoxed by the corporate system, and concerned that with these new rules he can no longer jerk it in his office.
Over in Pantyland, the inmates talk about panty sniffers, and Black Cindy says that the internet has made it okay to fly any kind of sexual freak flag: panty sniffer, brony, furry, Faberry-the internet welcomes you! Now take off your pants. As she accidentally turns a pair of panties into a headband, Piper steals another pair.
In the kitchen, Gloria is having a stressful day. She’s lost Flaca to Pantyland, her son Bennie is coming for visitation, and now she’s stuck with Red. She sends Red to peel potatoes with Norma, and promises she’s keeping an eye on her. Red is psyched to be reunited with her OG friend Norma, and they peel potatoes together.
We flashback to the 60’s, where a baby-faced Norma attends a spirituality workshop led by a hippie named Guru Mac. He asks why Norma is at the meeting, and she can barely form a sentence due to her terrible stutter. He assures her he hears her, and places his thumb over her third eye. We see Norma’s relief at not having to speak and her comfort in being accepted and understood.
Berdie has read Suzanne’s writing exercise and deemed it pornographic. Suzanne defends the piece, saying, “It’s not just sex…it’s love, with two people connecting…with four other people and aliens.” Everyone’s a critic. Taystee sees Suzanne throw away her story, and encourages her to keep writing. After all, even Stephen King and J.K. Rowling got rejected from publishers!
Morello and Piper are playing MASH, the classic slumber party game that predicts your future. I think it’s bogus, considering I’m not living in a shack in Cincinnati married to Matt LeBlanc with three kids. Daya joins in and makes fun of Piper for growing up in a mansion. Piper argues that it wasn’t a mansion, just a big house, and that she didn’t have a maid, she had a housekeeper. Nice try girl, you’re still doing better than 90% of the gen pop. Piper complains that she had a lonely childhood, and Morello asks the question that everyone asks of Chapman:
Piper wonders if men date women in prison because of the whole sexploitation angle: girl-on-girl gang fights and hot shower action. Everyone looks at her and she’s like, “Yeah, I guess we do that stuff sometimes.” Yoga Jones joins the convo and admires that Morello can always find the good in people, even greasy gross anime nerds. Big Boo says she’s only doing it for commissary money, and Morello figures it’s okay if both parties are getting what they want. A light bulb goes off in Piper’s head and she rushes off to find Alex.
Piper gives Alex the stolen panties and pitches her brilliant idea: they can steal the scrap pile panties, smuggle them out of prison, and sell them online to pervs for dolla dolla bills. Alex is on board with Piper’s entrepreneurial spirit and they set about recruiting inmates to wear panties.
Outside, Caputo is training the new guards in subduing prisoners and de-escalating conflict. He seems to know what he’s doing, but he’s pulled away by Danny, who would rather get the new guards on the clock. Caputo wants the full 40 hour training period, but Danny assures him they’ll pick it up on the job. Good luck with that, buddy.
Gloria is trying to manage the kitchen, but her staff keeps letting her down. Red tries to help, but Gloria brushes her off. Gina and the Crying Lady come to Norma: they’ve booked some chapel time so Norma can visit with her flock. Red promptly tells them to fuck off, as she can see Norma is uncomfortable with all the attention. She then berates Norma for fucking up the bagged lunches.
Flashbackland: Young Norma marries Guru Mac in a field. There are flower garlands and hippies and sunshine and Norma looks happy. That is until Guru Mac marries the next girl in line. And the girl after that. Looks like someone’s starting a cult. My favorite character in this scene is the background guy who is like, “This is fucked up. I should not have given the Guru my Volvo.”
Donaldson aka the bald guard is showing Gerber around the yard. He lectures him on prison do’s and don’ts, while Piper runs into Lolly, who doesn’t remember her. Piper wonders if Lolly is still mad about the “getting jumped in Chicago” of it all, but is soon distracted by making business plans with Alex. They realize they need a panty mule, a guard who will help them smuggle out the goods. They see Gerber bust out his pepper spray on some UNO-playing inmates, and accidentally spraying himself and Donaldson in the face, and realize that this dum-dum is perfect.
Taystee reads Suzanne’s story, and tells Poussey it’s worse than 50 Shades of Grey. Suzanne rolls up with two new chapters, and Poussey grabs the story and starts reading. Caputo yells at the red-eyed guards for the pepper spray incident, and threatens to fire Gerber. This is what happens with inadequate training.
In visitation, Gloria and Bennie are working through fractions. I went to college, and if you asked me to add some fractions by hand, I do not think I could make that shit happen. I barely remember what a fraction is. Bennie rode up with Sophia’s wife and son Michael, who is now in his teenage punk phase and cursing up a storm in front of Sophia. Gloria gets dragged back to the kitchen when Maritza cuts off her fingertip, and we see her son is disappointed.
Cal visits with Piper, and he is desperate to make some money and move out of their parents’ house. He tells her that even Larry (UGH) has a job editing the Zagat Guide, and he needs to get his shit together. Piper recruits him to create the prison panties website, and Cal is well versed in internet perversity, calling himself a generalist.
Daya hits up Piper and asks her if growing up wealthy made her a happier person. Piper tells her that money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does by stuff, and stuff can make you real happy. She also tells Daya that love is the most important thing, and despite her privileged upbringing she still ended up in Litchfield. She also tries to recruit Daya for panty squad, but she’s not into it.
Poussey tells Suzanne that she can’t get enough of her dirty space opera, and urges her to keep writing. Black Cindy is going through the prison videos, looking for something to educate her on the Jewish experience. She finds Annie Hall , but I think she’d be better off with Transparent.
Caputo talks to Danny about the pepper spray incident, and tells him that he’s still struggling with the corporate layout. He asks Danny what his job title is, and it’s “director of human activity”. Caputo realizes that Danny is essentially the warden and his boss, while Danny tries to use a white board to convince Caputo that they are on the same level. It’s a whole bunch of bullshit that Caputo starts seeing through.
Norma puts up a sign that says she is closed for business, disappointing her followers. She rubs Red’s back, while Red complains that she’s not in charge of the kitchen. Norma gives her kind eyes and tries her shoulder rub mojo, but Red would rather have a massage than a blessing and brushes her off.
Flashback to a now older Norma, driving in a junky van with a bearded and strung out Guru Mac. His flock has deserted him, all save Norma, who still looks at him with adoring eyes. Mac tells her they’re getting off the grid, mainly because the other “wives” are pressing charges. The van breaks down and Mac screams and kicks the tires.
Daya asks her fetus where she wants to live, and Aleida rolls up with her harsh truth: Daya better give that baby to Delia so she can have some security. Daya tells her mother that all she ever wanted was some time with her, and for her to be less of a bitch. She recalls her 17th birthday when they went to the spa together, but Aleida tells her that kind of day isn’t possible without a fistful of cash. Aleida tells Daya she was stupid to want her, and that kids are stupid too, which is why you have to make decisions for them.
Gloria yells at her prison kids for ruining her time with her real kid, and Sophia comes in to complain about Bennie’s bad influence on Michael. Gloria is done with all this bullshit and quits the kitchen job. Caputo tells her she can’t quit, but Gloria tosses her apron to Red and storms out. Looks like Red is back in charge! Praise Norma!
Stella sees Piper steal a pair of panties, and Piper tries to recruit her for the panty club. Stella says she’s not interested, but those flirty eyes say different. Speaking of flirty eyes, Alex is trying to charm Gerber, but gets cockblocked by Donaldson.
At lunch, Lolly finally remembers Piper and tells her she doesn’t hold a grudge. She also reiterates how much she loves Litchfield. Aim higher, Kit Keller. Stella cuts Piper in line, flashing her stolen panties and winking at her. Straight girls everywhere swoon.
Red is whipping the kitchen staff into shape and calls out Norma for working slowly. Norma gives her the eye, but Red tells her to knock it off. We flashback to Norma, laden with camping equipment, following Guru Mac into the wilderness. She tries to comfort him, but he berates her and tells her he’s a false prophet and she’s wasted her life in following him. He continues to lay into her, calling her a slave and a servant. Sweet Norma finally snaps and pushes his ass off a cliff. She stutters out that he’s a son of a bitch as she watches him fall to his death.
Red toasts the crew for a successful dinner service when Caputo rolls in with MCC-approved boil-in-the-bag garbage meals. He tells Red he would never give her any real power, and her face crumbles. Norma tosses off her apron and storms out.
She walks into the chapel where several inmates eagerly await her. She touches them all, even busting out the third eye rub. She holds her finger to her lips, as the women gather around her. Looks like someone is starting a cult of their own.
What did you think of episode 7? Would you join the Church of Norma? Share your religious epiphanies with me @Chelseaprocrast
