This Orange is the New Black episode opens with the only functional couple at Litchfield, COs Bell and O’Neill, at a donut shop. The donut employee offers O’Neill a red velvet donut, and O’Neill launches into a diatribe against red velvet. Is this the most we’ve ever heard him talk? Before he can continue his rant, Bell discovers an ad in the paper that says Litchfield is hiring guards.
Pennsatucky is giving new inmates the tour of Litchfield, and touting the glories of the capitalist system of private prisons. Corporations love people! One of these prisoners is Lolly (Lori Petty!) who was on Piper’s Chicago flight last season…and who Piper let get beat up by a gang. Lolly is delighted by the new prison, which means she must have low standards.
Alex and Piper are brushing their teeth, watching as Chang brushes with rock salt. They make fun of her, and we fade into Flashbackland: a quiet, young Chang is rejected by her potential husband. Chang’s brother flew her in to sell her as a wife, but this guy is having none of this “smelly peasant” girl. Her brother pleads with the matchmaker, who tells him that she can’t sell a girl without looks or charm. Chang doesn’t want to go back to China, and her brother demands that she owes him 800 bucks for the plane ticket over. Fuck this guy.
The inmates are hanging out in the TV room when news breaks that Judy King (the TV celebrity chef) is arrested on tax evasion. The women speculate about her serving time at Litchfield, while Gloria and Red contemplate going gay because A) the men in their life suck and B) they already have the haircuts. Now this is a couple I can get behind! Red tries to wave to Healy, but he’s still acting like a dickwad.
Meanwhile, Poussey has caught the fearsome Squa-coon (which is just a squirrel) and Taystee is forced to come clean about her ruse. Over in Pantyland, DeMarco dances in the aisles with a swath of pink fabric. The other women comment on the body types/lack of diversity in the catalogue, and the impossible physical standards set for women. Piper locks eyes with Stella (Ruby Rose) and is immediately intrigued by the mysterious Australian hottie. Get in line, girl.
Morello seems to have come out of her depression, and is enrolled in a prison pen pal program. She waxes on about a supposed jewel heist she pulled in Arizona to a slack-jawed dude who talks to her about guns. He is smitten, and asks to see her again.The COs confront Caputo about the employment ad and accuse him of selling them out and slashing their hours. He promises to look into it, and O’Neill demands that he declare his love and commitment to the guards. Caputo promises and everyone hugs him. This all feels like a workplace violation.
Lolly is in the lunch line and orders a Kosher meal. Gloria pulls one from deep freeze. I guess not a lot of people are keeping Kosher in Litchfield. Chang takes an order of peas and sneaks it out in two empty milk containers. She smashes some Fritos and creates pea patties with the crumbs. Her roommate, Soso, tries to bond with her about being Asian, but Chang calls her Scottish and blows her off. Poor Soso can’t get a break, and she really can’t get an Asian prison family.
Back in Flashbackland: Chang’s brother’s shop is suffering. She says they should offer foot massages, but Bro Chang is more interested in illegally imported products like rhino horn and bear bile. The police are cracking down on illegal imports, so Bro Chang decides to use Chang as a mule, thinking that no one will notice a homely girl. He calls her invisible. Ugh, this guy. Chang, eager to do something, jumps at the chance to be helpful.
In Panty City, Black Cindy struggles, accidentally sewing the leg holes shut. Flaca admires the models’ bodies in the magazine, and the women discuss different ideals of beauty. Piper likes lingerie because it makes her feel sexy, and Stella makes fun of her for her hot girl privilege. Pot, meet kettle. Piper says that, despite having good genes, she’s still allowed to feel shitty about herself, but Stella equates it to rich people slumming AKA stop bitching about anything Piper, you have nothing to complain about. Stella also briefly says that she only considers herself a woman because her options are limited. iI Stella genderqueer? More of this, please.
Back in visitation, Morello is charming another slob with tall tales of her arsonist career. This guy is an anime freak, and Morello again bends her interests to appeal to her date. She claims to be an anime fan, citing Daya as her favorite artist. Anime Dork tells Morello he likes her facial symmetry and her BMI, words that every girl longs to hear. #BringNickyBack
Red visits Healy and tells him to get over his bruised ego. Healy has the balls to complain about unfair treatment, and Red reminds him that she’s in fucking prison, whereas he is free to do what he pleases. Stripped of her freedom and her job, Red’s only coin to play is her sexuality and her feminine wiles. It’s cheap and demeaning, but it’s the only weapon left in her arsenal.
Caputo grabs a drink with Danny, who assures him he is on his side. Caputo tries to argue for benefits and hours for his guards, but Danny talks around the issue instead of offering real answers. Caputo gets the distinct feeling he’s being used as a pawn in the system.
Over breakfast, Black Cindy sees Lolly’s kosher meal, which looks way better than what the gen pop is eating. Lolly explains that, despite being Lutheran, she always requests the kosher meals because they are specially made. Because the prison can’t question your religious beliefs, they have to accept it at face value. Looks like the Jewish population of Litchfield is about to spike.
At the next table, Piper complains about sore fingers from sewing. Well, there goes your social life, girl. She brings Alex a pic of a sexy model from the Whispers catalogue, which is the prison equivalent of buying someone porn? They talk about the insane mark-up on the merchandise, and Piper comments that it’s basically slave labor. Watson and Black Cindy are quick to correct her, claiming it’s more like indentured servitude, and that Piper has no right to complain about any sort of slavery as she is the whitest person on Earth. Meanwhile, Morello is trying to learn about birds for her next prison date.
Meanwhile, Chang grabs a secret stash of oranges and retreats to a shed to watch Chinese soaps on a contraband cell phone. She continues her invisible walk through the prison, getting beaned by a basketball and made fun of by the other girls.
We flashback to Young Chang sitting in a van while her friend/crush Fu explains the moonwalk (the dance, not the NASA mission). Chang wants to know whether the illegal items they’re importing actually work, as the majority of them are to help guys get boners. She wonders aloud why it’s so difficult for men to achieve boners, and Fu tells her that men are dumb and insecure. He also tells her about his hot blonde girlfriend, and we see Chang’s face drop.Their Korean connection pulls up and Chang realizes that they are trying to pass off ping-pong balls as turtle eggs. The Koreans attack Fu, and Chang grabs a tire iron and knocks them out. Fu is grateful to Chang for saving his life, and offers her anything she wants.
Back at Litchfield, Caputo is interviewing potential guards, which include a Radio Shack employee and the donuts guy. The guards are pissed, but Caputo says he’s just trying to play ball with MCC for now so he can campaign for their rights later. Healy offers his support, and sneaks in a kitchen re-assignment for Red. With new vendors and improved morale, how much trouble can she be?
Piper is cutting fabric, when she realizes she could make an extra pair from the fabric roll. Her boss doesn’t give a shit, so Piper keeps it to herself.
Gloria visits Sophia for a haircut, and they start talking about their sons. Gloria desperately needs someone to give her son a ride to prison so she can keep an eye on him, and Sophia says he can carpool with her wife and Michael.
Morello tries flirting with her new guy Vinny, but she messed up and realizes that he’s not the bird guy…he’s the Brazilian Ju-jitsu guy. Despite thinking it’s a food, Morello starts talking about her cold blooded assassin days, before Vin call her out for running a scam. Morello is forced to be honest, and tells him that the only person who cared about her was carted off to Max. He comforts her and Morello breaks down.
Back to Flashbackland: we finally see what Chang asks for, as Fu drags in the man that rejected her. He is beaten, but still manages to insult Chang. Fu asks her what she wants to do with him, and we flash forward to Litchfield, where Sister Ingalls is playing Chang’s story in drama class. In the performance, she kills the man, before bailing on the violent epilogue. Suzanne enjoys the performance, while everyone else is horrified. Chang stands up and assures them it’s “just showbiz” and everyone applauds.
At lunch, Black Cindy is embracing Jewish culture/meals, and Poussey is still pissed that Taystee stole her hooch. Catching a squirrel is hard work! She asks Poussey to cut down on her drinking, but Poussey doesn’t think she has a problem. She invites her to AA, but Poussey calls her out for not being an addict and just showing up to tell stories. Wait, does this mean that Taystee’s story about waking up with BBQ sauce on her titties was a lie? Poussey tells her that she doesn’t need AA…she’s lonely and she needs someone to love.
O’Neill runs into the donut guy, and he’s furious that Donuts has bribed his way into a job with Caputo. Caputo offers him a donut, but O’Neill smacks it down calls it bullshit.
Piper tries on a pair of stolen panties and checks herself out in the mirror. Chang tells her she looks like Bo Derek in Tarzan, and Piper looks embarrassed. She tells Chang she just wanted to feel pretty, and apologizes for making fun of her. Chang says “thank you, lesbian” and goes about her day.
We flashback to Young Chang, who stands over the beaten man and decides his fate. After he spits blood at her and calls her an ugly girl that no one wants, she sadly says he’s right. She then orders the men to cut out his gall bladder, and he screams.
Red reunites with Norma in the kitchen, and the rest of the crew freaks out. Red announces she’s back, as Bikini Kill’s “Rebel Girl” plays over the credits.
What did you think of Chang’s backstory? Let me know @ChelseaProcrast
