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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.02): Row, row, row your ship

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane thinks she still has secrets. Maura thinks she can hire a new beard. Frankie thinks he might be a bad cop (but it’s OK, he’s a good cop).

It’s morning and Jane is craving carbs, I’m guessing because she burned a lot of energy the night before. You know what I mean. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. She busts into Maura’s apartment while the latter is still eating breakfast. So, Jane decided not to spend the night. Fine, keep up the charade of two places. Maura tells her she’ll find no empty, white or delicious calories in her place. No spending the night, no carbs. I see what you’re doing there, Maura.

Maura claims it’s because Mama Rizzoli is on a new no-whites diet. Well, as long as it’s not paleo. She is all about eating colorful things instead. Hey, has she ever tried Pop Rocks? Those are really colorful. Maura shows off her bowl of gluten-free muesli, berries and nonfat yogurt. But Jane immediately finds the flaw in their new diet plan and calls out her white yogurt. This is true, but imagine if yogurt was brown. Ewww.

Mama R insists the diet isn’t about losing weight, but feeling more energetic and growing thicker hair. So pour some Rogaine over a Twinkie already, lady. Boom — hair and energy for days. Luckily before Mama R can fix Jane some kale French toast their cellphones go off and our heroines “Rizzoli” and “Isles” their way into another case. I don’t know why the office bothers calling them both separately anymore. They’re always together and everybody knows it.

Jane rails against the patriarchy on the way to the scene, complaining about women using diets as a way to make major life changes. Someone has been reading Maura’s women’s studies book. Maura, while impressed with Jane’s grasp on feminist theory, quizzes her about whether eating better makes her feel better. Jane relents, and agrees that when she has the perfect balance of sugar, caffeine and alcohol she feels amazing. That’s it, I’m going on the Rizzoli diet. Coffee, whiskey and cupcakes all day long. Or, if you want to get fancy about it, Red Bull, martini and a cupcake.

The case involves a bass fishing tournament. Yes, I know, I know — just wait, the fish jokes are coming, people. The fish jokes are coming, I promise. Patience. The lead fisherman has been shot with a crossbow. But he doesn’t fit the sports angler image. He drives a Prius and teaches Elizabethan poetry. In short, he is nothing like the shiny gold jacket-wearing mouth breather who tries to ask Jane out via skywriting.

Oh, fella, while I admire your gumption you may want to look into having your gaydar tuned up. Or perhaps you’re just so used to the smell of someone who eats a lot of fish that Jane came up… No, no. We’re better than this joke. I shall resist.

Speaking of fish, Korsak is examining the front of the dead guy’s car for signs of fish. This leads him to a nearby trashcan, which leads him to a bag of dead fish, which leads him to a threatening note about sleeping with the fishes. Wow, so sports fishermen are boring and unoriginal?

The dead guy’s wife comes in to talk with the team. They were separated after he was denied tenure. So he went to the woods to live deliberately and write his book. But instead he found out he was a fish magnet. The look on Jane’s face says she knows exactly how he feels. See, told ya the jokes were coming.

Jane goes to see Maura, who is surrounded by fish tanks. Hey, I never said Jane was the only fish magnet. Jane tries to make her girlfriend jealous by saying one of the fish likes her. Maura says it’s more likely it was drawn to its own reflection. Their girlfriend teasing game is on point.

Just then the new Smuggy McSmuggerson assistant M.E. sneaks up and talks about how fish are attracted to bright lights in his detached serial killer way. Did I mention he fishes and hunts for his own food, too? And, apparently, belts? Yeah, I don’t understand this guy. Neither does Maura. Jane, however, has no such confusion. She doesn’t like him, end of story. And she actively encourages Maura to throw him back in — or hunt him. That’s our gal.

If Angela’s non-whites diet wasn’t enough of a silly subplot this week, we also have Frankie’s bet with Korsak. After losing a wager about hockey (duh, of course you include Canada), Frankie is forced to carry around a sack of flour for a day. Korsak is making him do a variation on the Egg Baby Challenge from high school.

He must carry around the flour as if it was his own little baby Rizzoli. Frankie assures Korsak this will be a piece of cake. Really, with the male members of your family’s track record at parenting? Frankie Sr.? Gone. Tommy? Gone. But, seriously, where did Tommy go? Is he stuck in the world’s longest AA meeting?

Jane and Korsak go to interview the other woman in the dead guy’s life, his lure maker. She is as seemingly helpful as she is stinky. She and the dead poet-turned-fisherman were romantically involved. She tells them it’s tough for her to meet men, which Jane questions because she is surrounded by dudes who think you should be impressed by their poles every day. Lure lady throws it back at Jane, saying she’s surrounded by men with guns every day, too. Fishing to figure out her sexuality, eh? See, therein lies the big difference. You’re looking for a man. Jane, not so much.

The look on Korsak’s face when the lure lady brings up Jane’s so-called man troubles is six kinds of priceless. You can practically see the wheels turning. “Did she just?” “OMG, she did.” “Oooh, Jane’s gonna be pissed.” “But seriously, Jane will snap her neck.” “Lady, how bad is your gaydar?” “LOL, Jane can’t find a man.” “No, really, LOL forever.”

Lure lady says all the other fishermen on the tour were jealous of the dead guy’s sudden, surprise success. As they leave Korsak marvels at how such a nerdy professor dude could have two beautiful, totally different ladies clamoring to be with him. Jane says women can see past looks. But men can’t that’s why women have to wear makeup and heels and other shiny stuff to attract them. Says the woman not wearing heels, or much makeup and or anything shiny except her badge.

Speaking of shiny things, gold jacket returns bearing gifts. He gives her a book on bass and a split of champagne. He wants to drink it together while watching the sunset and talking fish. Oh, fella, Jane knows so much more about “fish” than you can even imagine. I warned you there would be jokes.

Speaking of fish, Maura is standing over a dissected one on her lab table. She tells Jane she found something “interesting” in the big fish that was giving Jane the eye earlier. Jane calls her fish-ocide payback for being jealous at the attention it was giving her. Look, I’m not even writing this up as a joke, it’s what happened. Jane just called out Maura for being jealous another cute “fish” was lovesick over her. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even here. Like I could just publish the script and go make a sandwich.

Maura tells Jane she “cured” the cute fish and let that be a lesson to any other “fish” who might show an interest. Wow, Maura — do you think killing and dissecting any romantic rivals for Jane might be a tad much? When Jane tells her to give her former suitor a proper burial Maura asks her how she feels about fish tacos. YES, MAURA JUST ASKED JANE IF SHE LIKES FISH TACOS.

When the show makes the fish taco jokes for me, clearly my work here is done.

Now that we’ve established Jane’s favorite thing to eat, ahem, we return to Frankie’s parenting woes. He has left little Frankie Jr. Jr. in his car — with the windows rolled up. So it’s another day of Flour Baby duty for him. Next time he wises up and has Nina watch Francesca while he interviews possible fishermen suspects.

All of them hate the dead poet and own crossbows. What is this, an alternative Buffyverse where everyone hunts vampires at night? Or are they all preparing for the coming zombie apocalypse?

Speaking of dudes who deserve to be shot with a crossbow, Shiny Jacket shows up again. He wanders into the office with a trash bag for Jane. Does this guy know how to come courting or what? Nina is appalled, both in his weird attempts at wooing and the fact that a potential suspect is looking at sensitive information involving the case. She tells him to leave immediately, as does all of the Rizzles fandom watching, so they can continue their important police business/grand lesbian romance.

Just then Frankie wanders in and straps back on his flour baby. Hey, raising a fake glutenous child is important police business. He’s just trying to hone his skills so one day he can hope to live up to the foster parenting example of Jane and Maura.

The trash bag gift turned out to be an extraordinarily ugly fishing pole lamp. Jane Rizzoli considers it Reason No. 578 she is glad she is gay. Many men are exceptionally terrible gift givers. Not all men, grant you. But, definitely this guy.

On the other end of the romance spectrum is Maura, obviously. Even when working she manages to organize a picturesque date with her lady. They’re going for a scenic boat ride across the lake. Jane is, of course, rowing. Maura set it up because of her lingering jealousy of the big fish, and Skeeter. Not that she considers either real rivals, because, come on. But, you know, it never hurts to remind the one you love how much you love them. And you know what helps with that? Kissing. You’re in a boat on a lake. This is the perfect moment. Go on and kiss the girl.

The romantic rowboat ride continues under the veiled auspices of evidence collection. Please, these two will make any excuse to be alone together. The scenic setting is just an added bonus. Naturally, our ladies take this time to process their relationship. Maura has clearly noticed Skeeter’s amorous intentions. Jane reassures her she’s not attracted to Skeeter, or his gold jacket.

Then, like a true lesbian, she complains about the unequal processing time when Maura interrupts her for some stupid break in the case. Though, at least Maura fished something interesting out of the water. Who new they made S&M harnesses for fish?

Back at the office, Frankie is feeling gloaty about his near completion of his bet debt to Korsak. He commiserates with others in the department who have similarly been humiliated by the lost wagers. But, um, who makes another man get a hip tattoo of himself? Like, how gay is that? And, of course, I mean gay as in festive.

Naturally, Frankie screws up and crushes little Flour Francesca in the elevator doors. Yep, better clear a space on your hip for Korsak, buddy.

Maura returns to the lake with McSmuggerson. But you can tell by the body language there’s nothing even remotely romantic about this expedition. Maura even makes him promise to tell Jane he rode. Yeah, Jane will not abide anyone else ferrying around her lady.

McSmuggerson comments on their “unique relationship” and says he is still trying to “figure it out.” Maura answers back, “Me too.” Poor woman, all she wants is for Jane to commit publicly.

While all this is happening Mama R is trying to foist the world’s most disgusting cupcakes on Jane’s unsuspecting co-workers. Did you know cricket flour is a real thing? Yes, ground up bugs. That’s both gross and cruel. Jiminy Cricket had a family, you bastards.

In the end, despite how amazing her weird no-whites diets is making her look, she decides to cannibalize Frankie’s Flour baby instead. Look, I don’t make this stuff up, I just write what happens on the screen.

The president of Can’t Take a Hint-onia arrives in the office, again. But, seriously, what is it about guys who think they can just wear down women by showing up and harassing them? No means no, dude.

Jane finally lays it out in simple English for Shiny Jacket. She doesn’t want to go out with him. He’s baffled, because his male ego can’t conceive of a woman being able to resist his relentless wooing. So he claims he can tell she is attracted to him because her respiration is elevated, her skin color is slightly red and pupils dilated. Sorry, buddy, those are all just signs that she was eating fish tacos with her girlfriend. Ahem.

Jane promptly goes back to see her girlfriend to laugh and laugh and laugh together about Shiny Jacket’s misguided affections. Sometimes you almost feel sorry for these guys, almost. But at least he helped her figure out one thing, she remembers that Lure Lady’s respiration, skin and pupils all did that thing hers did after she sees Maura. So she deduces Lure Lady was jealous, and vengeful, that the dead poet fisher was going back to his wife.

Lure Lady confesses, and confirms that she was helping his oblivious ass cheat to win the tournaments. We get a healthy steak of feminist rage in her admission as well that someone as blundering at fishing could receive a major endorsement and be in magazines simply for being male, but she never could. Wow, imagine how quickly Congress would pass the ERA if every guy who didn’t deserve his success got shot with a crossbow by vengeful women. Kidding. Violence is not the answer. Maybe.

Case solved, time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending, yes? No, dammit. We still have to get rid of Shiny Jacket. He arrives at Jane’s desk, again. Seriously, what is the visitor policy at the Boston PD? Is someone signing this guy in? Go away, the lesbians here clearly don’t want your rod.

Instead he essentially blackmails Jane into watching the sunset with him for 10 minutes to leave her alone. She relents, because it’s probably against department policy to shoot him on the spot. I mean, I think it would be justified… Fine, maybe it’s good I don’t own a crossbow.

So she is basically taken hostage to his boat, which is conveniently parked right in front of the station. For a few panicked seconds I thought they might end the episode right there. But, come on, Jane would never pick a guy who wears a shiny gold jacket and calls himself “The Skeetster” for a beard. It would be too jarring to go from Maura to him. Who eats Vienna Sausages out of a jar when they have filet mignon on fine china at home?

Speaking of choice cut, Maura and Jane are at the Dirty Robber, back together where they should be. Maura is teasing her about Shiny Jacket, because that’s what girlfriends do. Korsak arrives with drinks and Maura continues to tease her about not understanding the “laws of attraction.” Please, the way Jane’s respiration increases, skin reddens and pupils dilate around Maura, she’s practically writing the book on it. How could it not?

Frankie arrives, because Jane and Maura have reached the point in their relationship where friends and family feel comfortable butting in on their private time. Mama R then plops a plate of pure white cupcakes in front of them and they all feast on little Flour Francesca.

Frankie, how will you every live up to Jane and Maura’s parenting example if you insist on eating your young?

And now, to your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. Many of you seemed concerned that the recap was writing itself this week, what with the fish tacos and romantic row boat dates. And I wholeheartedly concur. Thanks, show.

– mrs shermz (@shanoodlebop) June 24, 2015

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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