It’s the fifth episode of season three, and we’ve got pubes, panties, and raccoon-squirrel hybrids! Let’s get into it.
We open with Poussey and Taystee in the now empty library, reading through the old card catalogue. For all you youngsters, a card catalogue was how books were organized and found before the internet and Amazon.com. Ask your parents, they’ll tell you all about it.
The floor is made of lava!
Now that the library books have been burned and buried, Poussey is spending her days drinking, napping, and goofing off, and Taystee doesn’t approve. She’s stuck on maintenance duty, which means cleaning up Pube Town in the bathrooms. Rumor has it that MMC is creating a new job, which will pay a buck an hour (as opposed to the 11 cents most inmates make). Poussey checks on her buried liquor bags, to find that her booze had been jacked. Man, you can’t trust anyone in this prison!
Daya is hiding out in the kitchen freezer, because carrying around a baby is sweaty business. The kitchen crew gossips about the secret new job-is it fire-fighting? Tech support? Blogging for a lesbian pop culture website? Who knows! Flaca and Maritza get into an argument with Maria, who is convinced it’s probably just the same old bullshit.
Recapping “PLL” seems easy, all Chelsea does is make vagina jokes under pics of Emily!
We get our first flashback and it’s a Flaca episode! We see everyone’s favorite emo princess in high school, FaceTiming with her drug dealing boyfriend Ian. She wants in on the business, but he assures her he’ll take care of her. We see that young Flaca is ambitious, but she lacks an outlet. Her mother sews in the kitchen, and wants Flaca to learn a trade so she can support herself, but Flaca isn’t interested in working in a sweat shop. She has grander plans.
UGH MOM, I’M MAKING OUT WITH MY PHONE, GOSH!
Piper is looking for a new gig as well, since electrical sucks without Nicky (everything sucks without Nicky obvs). Red asks Piper for some beauty advice on how to soften her look. I hope this goes better than the Big Boo makeover.
Caputo struggles to work with yes man Danny, who is the warden in everything but name…and action. They alpha dog over the meeting schedule, before Caputo is interrupted by Big Boo bearing paper-mache flowers in an attempt to position herself for the mystery job. Caputo is worried that the new job will throw off the prison economy, seeing as those employees will be making 10x the money.
Sorry, this lube will NOT wash off…
Red flaunts her newer, softer look for Healy, who compliments her. They both make attempts at flirting, with Berdie popping in for help with her office. Healy is useless as usual, but Red promises to hook her up. She fixes a button on Healy’s shirt, and I throw up in my mouth.
Gloria confronts Norma and tells her to stop stealing eggs for her witchery. Santeria isn’t for everyone, and Gloria is worried that Norma will mess around with the wrong spirits and cause a supernatural shit storm. Also, Norma is appropriating her culture, which is not okay.
Also, if you invoke the name of Manon I will not be held responsible for your actions
Flaca is psyched about the new job, but Maritza is worried about losing her BFF and getting stuck with a mean Coldplay fan. Aren’t we all?! Flaca is high on the promise of success, and tells her that she’s better than this-and also, she’s wearing kitchen apron ironically.
Back in flashbackland, young Flaca decides to take a page out her mother’s book by making knock-offs, only instead of knock-off gowns, she’s selling knock-off drugs. The other high schoolers are too dumb to know any better, and flock to Flaca’s fake acid. Her friend wonders about pissed off buyers, but Flaca has built a solid base of bullshit to combat any naysayers. Besides, she’s wearing some sick platforms. What could possibly go wrong?
First you get the fake drugs. Then you get the money. Then you get everything at Hot Topic.
Back in Litchfield, Cesar visits Daya and offers to beat the shit out of Bennett if he ever comes back. She wants him to take her baby, but he’s already got a house full of babies and side pieces. Daya blames herself for Bennett leaving, but Cesar assures her that Bennett is a piece of human garbage and she can do better.
The inmates are taking a test for the new job, and Flaca starts panicking because she hates tests. Everyone seems to be sweating the test, which is more of a personality quiz than a knowledge-based exam. The inmates continue to speculate about the new job (weapons manufacturing/small pox production/bamboo forks) and try to cheat off each other for answers. Flaca is unable to finish the test and leaves the cafeteria in tears.
I mean, what’s SAT verbal without the analogies section? Fucking bullshit, that’s what.
Back in Flashbackland, Flaca is hanging outside her high school when she sees the boy she sold fake drugs to take a nose-dive off the school roof. Fake drugs, real problems.
Red is gardening with the seniors and Yoga Jones, when Healy rolls up for some more half-assed flirting. He jokes with Jones about growing marijuana, and talks about getting dragged to Woodstock as a child. Jones (and everyone else) is appalled by Red’s flirting.
Yoga Jones’s face is everything
Piper is running around the field with Watson and Black Cindy, when Alex brings her some commissary lemonade. They discuss their career options post-prison: Piper can be an electrician and Alex can spin her groundskeeping duty into a landscaping business. They consider what a stereotypical lesbian life in the suburbs might lead to…unshaven legs and golf? Alex is distracted by a new prisoner who keeps eyeballing her, thinking she might be a spy for Kubra. Piper thinks she’s probably just hitting on Alex, and promises to smack down anyone who gets near her prison bitch.
A depressed Soso visits Norma, looking for understanding. She feels like her friends are phonies and no one in prison likes her. Norma holds her hand and stares meaningfully into Soso’s eyes, and she starts feeling better. I love that Norma’s greatest strength is the power of projection: people hear exactly what they want to hear when they’re with her.
This is my sad puppy face
Poussey tries to find the booze thief, with help from Angie and Leanne. Leanne speaks to her in German (huh?) and Angie suggests that the culprit might be a drunk (possibly dead) fat squirrel sitting in the tree. Maybe it’s part raccoon: a Squa-coon. Poussey sets about defending her hooch from the fearsome Squa-coon.
Daya is out of options and agrees to meet with Delia, aka Mama Stache. She apologizes for her crappy ass sadistic son, saying that even the nurses thought he was trouble when he was born. Daya is ready to hand over her baby, but Delia is more worried about Daya’s mental health. She seems well-meaning and genuinely concerned about Daya’s health and comfort. Delia promises to keep visiting her and they start forming a relationship.
You seem nice, but your son is literally the worst
The job list has been posted, and Piper, Watson, Black Cindy, and Flaca all get hired. Morello is sad to be stuck on bathroom duty, and Suzanne is depressed that she didn’t get the job either, until Taystee assures her she’s too creative for standardized testing.
Piper teases Alex about being paranoid, and pretends to be Kubra’s woman on the inside. Alex is pissed she’s not taking her concerns seriously, but Piper is too busy asking her to search for shanks in her bra. Poussey has decided to ward off the Squa-coon by leaving a urine/cayenne pepper circle around her hooch. She busts out the Stand-and-Deliver from last season and pees like a dude. Unbeknownst to her, Taystee has been stealing her booze the whole time. She was worried about Poussey’s drinking, and wanted something to keep her friend busy.
How’s my grumpy cat impression?
Red and Healy are getting cozy in his office, where Red is talking about her deep, burning, passionate need…to work in the kitchen. PHEW! She wasn’t really into him…was she? Healy is all butthurt that she was manipulating him, and thought she had real feels. He says he can’t do anything, but Red pressures him to put in a good word with Caputo.
Flaca goes to the kitchen to tell them about her new job, but the kitchen crew feels betrayed her leaving. They accuse her of feeling superior, and Flaca tells everyone that she’s better than them and storms out. Poor Maritza looks like a kicked puppy.
It’s like that time we made out meant nothing to her!
We flashback to Flaca’s place, where the cops show up to arrest her…apparently it’s a crime to even pretend to sell drugs. Poor Flaca is carted off while her mom watches on in shock.
Caputo and Danny discuss the test results, which Danny threw away. The test was just an internet personality quiz, and the inmates were chosen at random for the new job. The entire thing was a ruse to make the inmates feel like there’s a meritocracy, when in fact their lives are just governed by random bureaucratic bullshit. Caputo starts feeling manipulated by the system as well.
The day has finally arrived, and the inmates find out about their shiny new job: it’s sewing panties for a lingerie company called Whispers. Flaca looks around the sweat shop, resigned at her fate, as “Mama Says” play over the end credits.
FML
What did you think of episode five? Share your thoughts @Chelseaprocrast
