This week we get the Big Boo origin story and Piper and Alex deal with lesbian bed death: Is this the gayest episode of OITNB that ever gayed?
We open with Suzanne, who is keeping her entire dorm awake with sleep talking and dreams of Vee. That, and the lack of mattresses probably isn’t helping either.
Red is mourning the loss of Nicky, even smelling her hairbrush. Piper is pissed at Luschek for ratting her out, but Red tells her that it’s a waste of time to be angry at him. Red’s depression at Nicky’s loss is painful to watch, and Kate Mulgrew kills it as a grieving mother.
Big Boo goes to borrow some toothpaste from Pennsatucky, but Tucky doesn’t brush her teeth anymore because they are fake and porcelain. That is some nasty, meth-based logic. Tucky is reading letters from her fundamentalist fan club (who love Tucky for killing an abortion clinic employee), and when Boo realizes that these holy rollers send money, she sets out to get some Jesus bucks for herself.
Tucky confesses that she isn’t feeling the faith anymore; she even tells Boo that she killed the nurse because she was pissed, not because of some holy crusade. Big Boo tells her that killing in anger makes way more sense than killing in the name of God. Tucky feels guilty about leading on her fan club and wants to come clean, but Boo tells her to take the money and run.
Flashback time! We see Baby Boo aka Carrie, a butch pre-teen who is pissed off about wearing a dress to school for picture day. Boo’s understanding father tells her that sometimes adults have to do things they don’t want to do to make people happy. He throws in a root beer to sweeten the deal, and Boo agrees to wear the dress.
Alex and Piper are brushing their teeth together, and Alex tries to book some library bang time later. Piper claims to have a headache, and wonders if they’ve got lesbian bed death. Alex assures her that even though they can’t hate fuck, they can still love fuck (which I think we just call fucking, right?) and they talk about how sex is the only thing that makes them feel normal.
Alex then tries to feel up Piper’s “normals,” but Piper is in no mood since Nicky got sent down. Alex rightly says that Nicky would want them finger-banging in her honor, and tries to get some Genie and Aladdin roleplay going before Piper storms out of the bathroom. It takes superhuman strength to resist Alex going full-on flirt.
Caputo is ready to give MCC (the corporate prison company) a tour of Litchfield and begs his guards to keep things normal and functioning for one day. He’s even prepped inmates to make a good impression. Good luck with that, buddy.
At lunch, everyone is still pissed at Suzanne for keeping them up all night. Poussey is especially pissed, since Suzanne beat her up last season on Vee’s request. Suzanne starts freaking out when they talk about Vee being dead, and Taystee struggles to restrain her.
Morello is heartbroken that Nicky is gone, but is comforted by one of Norma’s magic hugs. Daya is still pissed about Bennett going AWOL, and storms out of the kitchen. Gina continues to not be helpful or comforting to anyone. Gina gonna Gina, y’all.
Big Boo and Tucky are talking theology with Sister Ingalls, where Boo is trying to brush up on her bible for her fundamentalist scam. She makes fun of God’s lisp (lyeth?) and quotes Jean Valjean’s prison number as a bible verse, which Tucky rightly calls out as the gayest reference ever. When Ingalls questions Big Boo’s motives, she assures her she’s only in it for the money scam, and will remain lord of the Lesbos.
We flashback to grown up Big Boo at a gay club, where she runs an illegal gambling outfit. Big Boo hits on a sweet young thing and brings her home, but on the way some douchebag kid calls them “fucking dykes.” Boo attacks the kid and scares him off, but she also scares off her girl in the process. She calls herself a big old dyke who refuses to apologize, and then calls the girl a homophobic self-hating bitch. Her rage is righteous, but it leaves her alone for the night.
Caputo meets the MCC staff and walks them through the prison. He bonds with Danny Pierson (Mike Birbiglia) who seems like a newb to prison culture. Great, another goony white guy.
It’s visiting hours, and everybody’s got beef. Soso meets with Meadow, a hippy dippy former friend who thinks that Soso is so cool and badass for getting arrested. But time in prison has opened sweet Soso’s eyes, and she calls her friend out on her ignorance: prison is awful and stupid and she feels like an asshole for being there. When her friend complains, she tells her not to come back.
Gloria meets with her son Bennie, who is giving her Tia major grief and acting like a little shit. Gloria tells him that he’s gonna show up at prison every week and do his homework, but who is going to drive him? Parental threats don’t mean much when mom is in prison.
Healy helps Red in the garden, and listens to her as she mourns the loss of Nicky He tells her how sorry he is, and assures her it wasn’t her fault. Also, he’s calling her by her first name and touching her shoulder. DO NOT LIKE.
The MCC tour is off to a rough start, what with Suzanne in full conversation with her mop and Morello crying and cleaning. Also, the MCC guys are total misogynist dickbags. The kitchen crew talk up their waste-saving measures and diarrhea prevention skills, but the MCC team is not impressed. Gloria calls Flaritza Lucy and Ethel without the charm, but I disagree. These two are charming as fuck. They all realize that their cycles have synced up, and that’s why everyone is so pissy.
Piper is fixing a microwave, but when Luschek tries to help she tells him to get fucked. She quickly turns on the charm for the tour, and one of the MCC dicks tries to mansplain the microwave to her. She tells him she’ll concentrate extra hard with her tiny lady brain, getting a chuckle from the female MCC employee.
Sophia and Morello are giving Big Boo a hetero-makeover for her meeting with the pastor. Morello is excited because it reminds her of The Swan, an old reality show about women competing for plastic surgery. They spin the chair around, and Big Boo looks…weird. She tears at her reflection, and admits that she looks like her mom.
We flashback, where a cute girl is riding Big Boo like a pony in the Kentucky derby. She comes loudly and slides off of Boo’s big strap-on. How long have we waited for a butch strap-on sex scene on television? How revolutionary is it to see someone that looks like Lea DeLaria in graphic sex scene? This is how far we’ve come, people. Thank you Lesbian Jesus and Netflix.
Boo’s girlfriend tells her to go see her mother, who is sick in the hospital. Boo tries to shrug the impulse off as “not queer” but her girl tells her she’ll regret not forgiving her mom. She wants Boo to stop fighting the world, but when fighting is all you know, how are you supposed to lay down your weapons? Big Boo has so embraced “angry dyke” as her personality…she doesn’t know how else to be.
Back at Litchfield, it’s Piper’s birthday, so her whole family has come to visit. Cal and Neri have moved in with her parents, and Cal dreams of opening an artisanal nitrogen ice cream parlor. Of course he is. Piper’s dad sits there stern and silent, unable to pretend it’s just another birthday. He’s frustrated, but Piper assures him prison isn’t so bad: she’s learning Spanish, electrical skills, and she has a girlfriend that she loves. Her parents are like, “so you’re officially…” and she’s like “officially have a girlfriend, yeah. They don’t let me say bisexual on this show so we’ll just leave it there.”
Her mother is all, “Dear God” and WASPs out, and Piper is like, “I say the same phrase, except I’m moaning it into Alex’s vagina.” Way to handle things maturely Piper. Four for you. Her mom grabs her by the ear and storms out, and Cal is all “happy birthday!”
Healy continues to stalk Red in the garden and gives her rose seeds…is this his version of giving her flowers? STAHP.
Poussey and her crew are watching a cooking show in the TV room, where a woman named Judy King (think Martha Stewart meets Paula Deen) is talking about presentation. Everyone else is bored, until they notice Suzanne wearing a mop on her head, heading for the MMC tour. Taystee manages to drag her away while Black Cindy distracts the tour group.
Back in the bunks, Taystee tells Suzanne that she has to give up the ghost of Vee. She bursts into tears and Suzanne holds her, crying as well. Despite how horrible she was, Vee was the closest thing Taystee had to mother, and she can’t help but grieve her loss.
Piper tells Alex that she told her family Alex was her girlfriend. She asks Alex formally to be her GF, and Alex says yes because what the fuck else are they gonna do? Alex made her a birthday gift: a list of songs she’d put on a mix tape. Some choice tracks are Tegan and Sara, and “The Pussy is Mine.” They start making out, and everyone else in the bunk is like, “ugh these two.”
The tour is finally wrapping up, but not before Daya can pull Caputo aside and ask him where the fuck Bennett is. He tells her Bennett is gone and not coming back. The MMC crew are concerned about the costs of pregnancy, but Caputo tries to play her off as just being fat. Smooth move. Big Boo shows up and wishes everyone a hetero howdy do, before asking if they’re buying this straight look.
We flashback to Boo, who is in the hospital to see her mother. Her dad welcomes her; apparently, it’s been years since she’s been around. He asks if she could have dressed differently so as not to upset her mother, but Boo has had enough of hiding who she is. She’s not dressing up for anyone but herself. Her father can’t see that this isn’t a costume for Boo…it’s her identity. Boo refuses to compromise herself and walks out in tears without seeing her mother. It’s heartbreaking and achingly familiar.
Back at Litchfield, Big Boo meets with the pastor and begins her rehabilitation spiel. She flinches every time the pastor drops a hateful slur, but when he tells her to cover up her butch tattoo she loses it.
“Here’s a passage from Corinthians 69: suck my big fat dyke dick you hateful piece of shit! Jesus was a fag, this is my body, eat me!”
I don’t think she’ll be appearing on church flyers anytime soon.
Later, she has a junk food party with Tucky, who is relieved she is back to her butch self. Tucky calls her brave for being true to herself, and they cheers to heaven, hell, and nothing in between. So much for the grey area. Boo calls her smart, and tells her that she finally has to start brushing her teeth and flossing even. I love that these two are besties: it shouldn’t work, but it just does.
Caputo is combing Craigslist for jobs when he gets a call from Danny saying that MMC is taking over the prison. Litchfield is saved….but at what cost? Caputo victory dances in his office.
High off their emotional moment earlier, Suzanne tries to crawl into bed with Taystee, who promptly kicks her out. Better luck next time, Suzanne!
We’re four episodes down, Oranginas! What did you think of Big Boo’s story? What else do you think is on Alex’s mix tape? Share your thoughts with me @Chelseaprocrast
