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9 Worst Lesbian Relationship Breakups

I am convinced that somewhere there is a guidebook for screenwriters that has a one-page chapter called “Girls Kissing” that reads like this:

You want to add a lesbian to your movie or television show, right? Wrong! What you want is a bisexual, so you can use her as an exit-strategy. While there are a couple of good reasons to add lesbians to your stories (i.e. sweeps, stunts, etc.), you must think of it like going to war: You need clear goal (ratings), an easy target (straight men 18-34) and an exit strategy (bisexuals who only date men, psychosis, pregnancy, death). When interest wanes – and oh, it will – shut it down. Breaking up lesbian relationships is easy, because who in the world is tracking that? (No one.)
It is rare for a lesbian or bisexual character to get a storyline she deserves, and even rarer for her to get a decent breakup.

Here are nine of the dumbest fictional lesbian relationship breakups.

9) The O.C.: The sociopath on the Marissa/Alex ship turns out not to be a Cooper. The problem with The O.C.‘s lesbian storyline isn’t that Marissa (Mischa Barton) and Alex (Olivia Wilde) broke up; they were always going to break up. The problem with The O.C.‘s lesbian storyline is that placed against any other person on the planet, in every possible scenario you can construct, Marissa Cooper is the one who would have a psychotic break from reality.

Alex was a strong, independent, empathetic bisexual who never mocked the kids of Orange County for ordering Yoo-Hoo at her bar; nor did she punch Seth Cohen in the mouth for acting like Seth Cohen. Marissa and Alex’s story was so faithful to the teenage experience of dating another girl – until sweeps were over. Immediately, Alex turned into a girlfriend-stalking, beer can-throwing, fit-pitching, verbally abusive lunatic. Basic O.C. rule of thumb: when Julie Cooper’s intuition about you is correct, the writers are lying.

8) Kissing Jessica Stein: Helen ends up with a Jewish Sandra Dee who ends up with a boy. It would be easy to write off Kissing Jessica Stein as just another movie where girl-meets-girl and then passes the time with her until she meets a handsome boy – but this movie is so much more than that. It’s an organic look at the fluidity of sexuality and the easily-blurred lines between friendship and sustainable sexual attraction.

Thing is: I just don’t buy Jessica (Jennifer Westfeldt) and Helen’s (Heather Juergensen) breakup.

The story says Jessica loves Helen, but isn’t in love with Helen – but I saw the way Jessica strutted down the hall when she was falling for Helen, and I saw the way she bolted from her chair when Helen seduced her in the restaurant.

I’ve got a lot of friends, and none of them make me feel like that.

7) Bad Girls: Helen breaks up with Nikki and is the only one who doesn’t feel sad about it. Nikki (Mandana Jones) and Helen (Simone Lahbib) break up at least three times before the first time they get together – when Helen’s eyelids get heavy and her voice goes soft and she gives Nikki the single fantasy they have in common: “I’m not your jailer anymore.”

Even the full-text of Nikki’s murder confession and her reckless jail break don’t cause Helen to call it off. So it was silly and heart-wrenching when somewhere in the middle of series three, Nikki did what she had always done (make noise about injustice) and Helen responded the way she always responded (by fixing it) only to have Helen show up at Nikki’s cell door and say, “You betrayed me tonight. I don’t want anything more to do with you. And do you know something? I don’t even feel sad about it.”

By the end of the series, they were together in the daylight, but you can’t get some words back.

Their breakup was superfluous and rather than adding to the suspense of Nikki’s appeal, it just made me nauseous for five straight episodes.

6) The L Word: Fully cognizant of the soul-crushing power of adultery, Tina cheats on Bette – with a dude. Instead of the compelling, fundamental stories that could have been explored with Bette (Jennifer Beals) and Tina (Laurel Holloman) after the birth of their daughter – like the pendulum of postpartum emotions or the nuances of relationship power shifts – the writers, in typical L Word-y fashion, plotted their whole story backwards.

Wondering why anyone would actually want to see a lesbian super-couple legitimately work out their crap and tumble toward redemption, the writers turned to their magnetic poetry kit, reached for a conflict, and found the only one that hadn’t fallen behind the refrigerator: infidelity!

Tacking “with a man” onto “cheating,” they called it a day, and promised to return tomorrow to find more inauthentic ways to propel the show’s fictional universe toward collapse.

5) Under the Tuscan Sun: Grace acts like Patti fell on top of herself and got pregnant. In Under the Tuscan Sun, the idea of Grace (Kate Walsh) dropping Patti (Sandra Oh) before Patti drops their baby is a two-fold absurdity.

Lesbians don’t get knocked up on accident. The Egyptians spent less time planning the pyramids than a lesbian couple spends planning a pregnancy. They have to process the idea in at least three different languages, discuss it with their mutual and individual friends, and one partner at least has to get an advanced degree in obstetrics.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, before Patti’s third trimester, Grace would have decided she didn’t want to be a mom. That’s the first absurd thing.

The second absurd thing is, what lesbian in her right mind would ever break up with Sandra Oh?

4) Strangers in Paradise: Katchoo sleeps with Casey the night Francine is finally ready to take the plunge. It would be impossible to quantify the number of times Katchoo and Francine break up while Francine sorts out her sexuality and Katchoo deals with her Darcy Girl past, but the most foolish breakup – the one that propels Francine to marry Brad – comes when Katchoo has sex with Casey.

After some therapy and a quick peek into the the lesbian section of the bookstore, Fran is ready take her relationship with Kat to another level. Unfortunately, Katchoo is nowhere to be found – unless you’re looking in their best friend’s bed.

Katchoo did some dumb stuff over the course of Strangers in Paradise, but falling into Casey’s temptation like original sin had to be the most dense way she ever caused a break up.

3) Degrassi: The Next Generation: Paige thinks Alex was better off as a stripper. Exactly zero parts of Paige (Lauren Collins) and Alex’s (Deanna Casaluce) final breakup on Degrassi rang true. The writers spent multiple seasons redeeming Alex, showing her journey of self-discovery and worth.

Then, in her very last episode, out of nowhere, she becomes a pot-smoking mooch who does everything possible to sabotage Paige’s admittedly ridiculous job. (It wasn’t original in The Devil Wears Prada, and it’s just as lame here.)

Paige’s ultimate low blow – “You were better off as a stripper!” – was bang out of order, and way out of character. There’s a way to write a character off a show; this is not it.

2) Grey’s Anatomy: Dr. Hahn gets out of our dreams and into her car, never to be seen again. Speaking of ways not to send a character off a show, meet Grey’s Anatomy.

Maybe it was because Callie (Sara Ramirez) and Erica’s (Brooke Smith) relationship played less like porn and more like the story of real women communicating their feelings about sex. Maybe it was because they were strong, assertive and successful without the help of a man. Maybe it was because they had actual woman-shaped bodies.

Whatever the reason, Callie and Erica weren’t playing to the straight male 18-34 demographic, so the only solution Grey’s writers saw was to break them up.

And by break them up, I mean banish the actual lesbian character to the edge of the world.

1) The L Word: The writers reveal themselves as soulless puppet masters at Shane and Carmen’s wedding. Apparently, contriving a death (Dana) and creating a monster (Tina) wasn’t enough for The L Word‘s writers in season three, so they authored Shane’s (Kate Moennig) layers and knitted her a soul.

Carmen (Sarah Shahi) walked down the aisle, and even the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes.

And Shane was a no-show.

“She’s not proud of this,” said Alice. “It’s just who she is.”

No, it’s not who she is, and that is the problem! Putting words in characters’ mouths over and over about how Shane is a Lothario and whatever else, doesn’t make it feel true. We watched the truth with our eyes.

Carmen and Shane’s breakup was spurious and contrived, and the moment it aired, the writers should have had their story-telling licenses revoked forever.

Which lesbian/bi breakup do you think is the worst? Let us know in the comments!

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