Lesbians and bisexuals spend a lot of time watching reality TV from behind their hands. You never know when some drunk lady is going to do something gross and inappropriate to another drunk lady, and then compare herself to Ellen.
“Lesbians” on reality TV never represent the actual hijinks gay ladies get up to, so we’ve decided to pitch our own lesbian reality TV ideas — a legitimate representation of our diverse community.
1) The Rachel Maddow Cocktail Challenge
When Rachel Maddow was asked what she would do if she didn’t host her own news show, she said, “I’d try to find a way to professionally bully people about what they drink.” Maddow is famous for her homemade cocktails; her recipes are all over the internet. The Rachel Maddow Cocktail Challenge would be similar to Top Chef, only all the contestants would be lesbians and it would be Rachel Maddow looking over your shoulder judging you. The pressure would be intense because the prize would be one more week in the competition, one more night to have actual drinks with the woman who’s already your imaginary girlfriend.
2) Dyke Survivor
Twelve lesbians, one laptop. The task: Around the clock, alternating contestants will read blogs and news aloud from the internet while giving their opinion on every subject. The other contestants must remain completely silent. One by one, the women will either go mad, or they will suffer a Tourette-worthy outburst, at which point they will be disqualified. The winner is the last lesbian whose head does not literally explode from all the pent-up opinions.
3) The L Word: Shipping Wars
Tibette; Jobette; Shenny; Talice; Sholly; Dylena. You know what I’m talking about. A group of lesbians are put together to watch The L Word. After each episode, they share their feelings and outrage about various pairings. To help them along, loaded questions will be asked by an unbiased (straight) host. For example, “Bette cheating on Tina is not the same as Bette cheating on Jodi. Discuss.” It shouldn’t take long for the arguments to get heated to the point of legitimate fire and brimstone. To make things even more interesting, the show could take place on an actual boat in the middle of the ocean.
4) Supernanny: Lesbian Pet Edition
Lesbian couples invite the Super Nanny into their homes to help with the behavior of their overindulged pets. Does your Labrador actually need $200 snowshoes? Does that Yorkie really eat ice cream from your spoon? Does that Australian Shepherd actually sleep between the two of you? Does that Beagle seriously sit in your lap while you write blog posts? There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth as the Super Nanny teaches dykes how to treat their dogs like dogs.
A bunch of lesbians running around a field in cleats with softball mitts and bats. Maybe 24 teams or something playing against each other for the ultimate — what? They already have this? It’s called the Women’s College World Series? Oh, OK. Sorry.