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“The Fosters” recap (3.2): Two moms and way too many dads

Previously on The Fosters, Jesús avoided death but was shipped off to the ABC Family head transplant team, in this case Flintwood Academy for manly wrestler types. Mariana channeled all of her energy into caring for Ana and her baby only to have Ana say “you know I’ve been off drugs for not that long, I got hit by a truck, reconciled with my parents, and really just want a few minutes of peace with my baby, okay?” Mariana took this as a sign she should sleep with Mat before he went on tour but he said no thanks to sand in his buttcrack so she settled for the most out of character move ever and slept with Wyatt the hair model. Brandon bitched and moaned about the heaviness of his golden shoes while Callie got in trouble for trying to help a foster kid in trouble. Classic. Stef lost her shit over almost losing her babies and Lena thought just a little too hard about spending a weekend away with Monte. Jude and Connor got outed, but continued to be the cutest teen couple in the history of the world.

The Adams Foster family is trying to make do with a single shower for six people. Mariana tells Stef to hurry up but Stef forgot her conditioner in the old bathroom. Lena goes to get it and chats with the plumber until Stef walks in wearing a towel. Lena is like, “Hey, lady take your nakedness out of here!” But Stef just gives the plumber a tough guy nod and is like, “Yes, I do work out.”

Downstairs, Callie invites Jude to spend Father’s Day with her on Robert’s yacht. He’s like, “Yeah, that sounds fun except for he’s not my dad.” Stef and Lena are celebrating the men in their lives by inviting Mike over for Father’s Day and Jude asks if he can invite Donald. The moms say sure and Callie gets pissed. Donald is a bad man who killed their mother and wants nothing to do with Jude because he signed the papers. Well, Jude points out that, after throwing a season long temper tantrum, Robert also signed the papers so maybe he sucks too?

Kat is taking Brandon’s composition for a test drive and decides that the piece is thoroughly jejune and by the way he smells like a cat’s ass. She will see him bright and early Sunday morning.

Mariana wows her grandma with a stuffed bunny she bought for Isabella. Granny asks Mariana to come to the Father’s Day party the next day to see all her uncles and cousins. Ana will be there even though her brothers are less than thrilled with her. Nothing like a giant family party to put the fun in dysfunctional.

Callie and Sophia are hanging out, chatting about life and wondering if they are secretly clones. Sophia wants to know if AJ is hot and Callie is affronted by the suggestion that she did something charitable just because a guy is hot. She can make bad decisions even without a hot guy being involved. She ask Sophia how she’s doing and Sophia snaps, “I’d be better if everyone would stop asking me if I am fine all the time.” AJ calls Callie up from juvie. He was picked up for tagging and asks her to help him out. Right, because that worked so well last time. He wants her to go check out his handiwork at a skate park. She wants him to stop calling her.

Lena pops down the stairs to tell Callie that Donald is coming over for Father’s Day and Callie is all, “It’s cool-I won’t be here so whatever.” Lena isn’t buying it but Callie isn’t going to talk it out. Instead she and Sophie take a walk and find AJ’s bat-signal.

Back at 10 Things I Hate About You Camp, Brandon is banging away at the piano while everyone else parties. Composer Tony comes over and cements my hatred by using the word “chillax.” Brandon agree to have one beer so long as he can stay with Tony for the night. At the party Kat tells him a single beer is no fun and he should really do tequila shots. Brandon, you should really watch more classic teen movies, because Kat is pulling a textbook move by pretending to be nice so she can get you plastered. She calls him fun and says she’s sleeping in on Sunday instead of meeting with him. Dude, you are so screwed.

You guys, Callie is growing up. She brings Stef with her when she goes to meet with AJ. Aw, look at Callie making a good choice. Stef asks a bunch of questions and learns that AJ’s brother’s name is Tyrone and she promises to look for him. Lena’s not the only softie in that house.

The next morning, Brandon wakes up to all caps texts from Kat. She welcomes him with a diatribe about how he’s not dedicated enough. The teacher is like, “I so don’t get paid enough to deal with this on a Sunday morning.” She blames Brandon for not being dedicated and wants to work with helpful Tony who says he would be more than happy to compose for two pianists.

On the True Love, Pacey and Joey, the Quinns and Callie are having a lovely breakfast for Father’s Day. Jill keeps trying to shove food at Sophia all “eat Papa, eat! Nobody likes a skinny Santa.” Callie calls Robert “Dad” and gives him a photo she took. While Jill and Robert fawn over how talented Callie is Sophia is like, “You’ll be so much happier when you don’t have to worry about me anymore!” Record scratch. Um she means like, totally when she’s better. Oh man. Families are so fun, right?

Back in the dream kitchen, Stef is telling Mike what a good kid AJ is and how he’s never been in trouble before. He thinks they are working up to fostering another kid but nope, they have other plans. Stef thinks Mikey should foster AJ. I think Sol and Frankie maybe need to work on their boundaries a little.

Mariana is lurking across the street from the bakery. She turns to leave but Ana spots her and wants to know if she’s going in. Mariana doesn’t want to because she’s embarrassed to be Ana’s daughter. Ouch.

Donald shows up with flowers for the moms. He and Jude can’t seem to figure out how not to be awkward around each other. Jude’s “friend” and his dad are coming over but they don’t know that Donald was in Litchfield with Lena’s mom. Connor and his dad show up and Connor tells his dad that Jude’s papa doesn’t know that they are gay. Adam is super relieved that someone on the planet doesn’t know his son is a homo.

Sophia thinks her parents are scheming behind her back to send her Out of Town to a psychiatric treatment high school. Sophia, you are a dead ringer for Callie, I think you’re safe from the folks at head transplant academy.

Mariana apologizes to Ana for being harsh but Ana’s cool with it. She’s been walking around the block for an hour trying to muster the courage to walk into a room where she’s only sort of wanted. Mariana says she also deserves to be judged for sleeping with Wyatt instead of her boyfriend. I really like Ana in this sort of older sister role. She’s full of empathy and compassion and can listen without having to parent. She can admit she doesn’t know the answers and direct Mariana to talk to her moms. It’s nice to see how these two have grown. When Ana pauses at the door to the bakery, Mariana grabs her hand before they walk in together.

At the backyard Father’s Day party, Adam just keeps asking Donald about what he does for a living, who he knows, and where he used to live. It’s awkward as hell which is about par for the course when it comes to Adams Foster parties. Brandon comes in late looking like yesterday’s garbage. Mike cements a spot in my heart by calling him out for looking like hell.

Robert and Jill aren’t shipping Sophia off to boarding school, they are separating. Sophia doesn’t understand but Robert and Jill are not telling them why they are separating. Callie channels her best Judicorn and hops in to say sometimes you just need a break from someone to realize how much you love them.

Lena offers everyone some of her cookies (not a euphemism). Lena tells Brandon he can take his sorry ass upstairs for a nap and Mike offers to tuck him in. Adam helps Lena clear the table and then regales her about his sterling knowledge about the coming out process. Dude, are you honestly mansplaining coming out to a lesbian? Lena is like, “Hmm- interesting point but your son is already out at school.” Adam charges outside to confront Connor about how the world knows that Adam’s son is a homosexual! Come on, Adam.

Donald chimes in that maybe Adam isn’t so worried about Connor as he is about himself. He doesn’t want Connor getting bullied and Donald kills it by saying, “Well, seems like getting bullied at home is way worse than anything he’ll face in school.” Adam apologizes to Connor. You can stay, Donald. Stick around as long as you like, buddy.

It’s one line but it sums up perfectly the misguided attempts of parents to protect their kids from the big scary world while shaming them at home. Being bullied sucks. Being told you are less than is terrible. Going to school and facing ridicule for how you look, how you dress, who you are is an awful, gut-wrenching feeling. It can make you hate yourself. It can make you want to stop being who you are. It can make you want to stop being at all. But knowing you have parents who love you regardless of who you are matters. Knowing you are valued and loved and respected at home makes a big difference. Maybe the world is a big, scary, messed up place. Maybe it isn’t. But parents can choose whether their kids come home to a safe place or whether everywhere they go is scary, invalidating, and dangerous. I loved my daughters before they were born. I loved them before they had fingers and toes. I loved them when they still had the weird reptilian tails in utero. I don’t know how parents can love their babies unconditionally before they meet them and then later decide to take all that back. I don’t get it. If all you wanted was for your baby to be born healthy when and why did you start adding so many conditions to your love?

After Brandon finally takes a shower, Mike calls him out for drinking. Brandon tries to bullshit an alcoholic and Mike is having none of it. In a classic turn of events, Brandon drinks and comes home late for Father’s Day and Mike tucks him into bed. Meanwhile, Callie helps a kid who is homeless find a place to sleep and she gets fired. Classic.

Donald thanks Jude for inviting him to brunch. It’s okay for Jude to tell people what Donald did, where’s he’s been. Jude should feel free to tell people who he is without worrying about protecting Donald. They run into Robert and Callie and have an awkward meeting. Donald walks to the bus stop and Jude yells at Callie. Donald was there for her when Robert was too busy cowering and he’s just as much Callie’s father as he is Jude’s.

Robert sits Callie down to tell her that he cheated on Jill and that’s why they are separating. Grown-ups make mistakes, he says, like that’s news to Callie who has been living in a cyclonic shit storm of parental ineptitude for a decade. He wants Callie to cut Donald a break because he’s probably punishing himself enough.

Donald is sitting on a bench when the bus pulls up. Callie calls “Dad!”and runs over to give him a hug. The bus leaves while she hugs him and wishes him happy Father’s Day.

Mike meets with AJ in juvie to talk about Mike fostering him. Mike fills him in on the rough outline of their unconventional family and tells AJ that he has room now that Bud and Coyote have moved out. AJ’s dad is dead and his mom is in a psych ward. His grandmother raised them but now she has dementia. He just wants to know where his brother is because he’s all the family he has left.

Back in the kitchen of my dreams the kids pull out a bouquet of flowers and give them to the moms because even though it’s Father’s Day and the moms spent the entire episode as little more than extras this show is about lesbians raising kids or whatever.

It’s going to take a few weeks for Mike to get approved as a foster parent so AJ is going to be living with them. That line for the bathroom just got a little bit longer.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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