A few envelopes of crisp one hundred dollar bills won’t due for Lauren’s Hot Mitzvah. A what Mitzvah? Lauren tells Liza and Kelsey that she’s throwing a “Hot Mitzvah”—because she hated how she looked when she was 13 at her Bat Mitzvah and now that another 13 years have passed, it’s time to celebrate her found hotness. She asks Liza to invite Josh and “Craigslist Maggie,” also known as the “OWL.” Kelsey whispers, “Old wise lesbian!” I can’t decide if I’m offended for Maggie, or glad they at least deem her wise. Well, either way, Maggie would probably side with Liza and give these girls the advice that: calling each other sluts, slutbags and hoes is not endearing. Old wise lesbians know best.
Yeah. Hoot, hoot, bitches!
A new book at the publishing company has everyone abuzz, but there’s one problem, New Tricks, a book about a woman’s sex life in her 40s, is in need of major book doctoring. Kelsey can’t find anyone to do the job and gives Liza and golden nugget of knowledge—that plenty of stay-at-home moms became editors, without care for the lack of credit, to make money off these gigs alone. Liza’s eyes light up. She says she’ll take a stab at editing the book herself, and Kelsey says go for it.
So later that night, Liza is back at her place with Maggie brewing up some ideas for the book. Of course, Maggie thinks it’s genius and the fact that Liza finally gets to put her own “old” wise merit to good use—for the sake of this book, while she happens to be moonlighting as a 26-year-old whose sex life has been rejuvenated by way of her divorce and new, hot boyfriend—well, that’s just award-worthy. Liza is basically the Cameron Crowe of her (not) generation. Where Crowe snuck into high school classes to see how the kids acted so that he could better depict a new generation for his films, Liza isn’t doing much different.
There’s only one problem: Charles seems to think Liza is up to something. See, it seems Kelsey thinks Liza nailed the rewrite on the first chapter. She’s awestruck that Liza was able to research the finer points of women post-child birth, and she’s sent it over to Charles to have a look at it. When he spots Liza in the hall, he asks her to clarify her age. He’s like, “You write like a 40-year-old.” The thing is, even if he were suspicious, what person would actually utter something so off-putting and assuming just moments after using “HR” in a sentence?
Anyway, that’s not what he wants to talk to Liza about—he wants to tell her that he’s utterly impressed and thinks she should meet with the author to see if they click. He says they have to have chemistry—because that’s what the industry is about, not necessarily the sole skill of her writing. Liza’s up for this challenge. After all, she’s a 40-year-old. Surely she’ll be back to click with another woman in her 40s, right?
Shit, don’t tell me he found my old AOL account.
Oh, dead wrong. When Liza meets Megan, she soon sees that Megan isn’t much different from Diana Trout—she’s pained by the idea that a woman any younger as a grasp on what their life is like, or how life for a woman can and will change. But there’s this even greater chance that Liza has something key to what they’re missing—she may not be telling the world she’s 40, but she’s learning to embrace and love it each time someone discounts or minimizes her thinking. She wants to flash her experience back at Megan, not as a diss, but as a sage wink from one woman to another.
Unfortunately, when she’s back from her lunch, Charles tells her Megan hated her and the deal is off. “You’re just too young,” he says. Did you laugh aloud? I did, I’m raising my hand. Because here’s a woman playing two roles, watching how they can sometimes bleed into one, and wondering how or why this experiment isn’t working to her advantage anymore.
Once, twice, three times a lady.
To make matters worse: It appears Diana Trout is accepting resumes from newly graduated twentysomethings who are all desperate to be the next Liza. What would Anne Hathaway say about all of this? Ugh, stop it Anne—Liza totally knows the difference between cerulean and lapis blue.
Well, there’s no time to cry over chemistry. Everyone is wearing their Shabbat Shalom best for Lauren’s Hot Mitzvah. Her parents, Kathy Najimy and Creepy Dad, are over the moon at the Bima as Lauren makes her grand entrance. Lauren’s like, “I’m going to kiss who I want tonight!” She reminds everyone to live their truths. (Liza, she’s looking at you.) After the intro, Lauren pulls everyone (including “Craigslist Maggie”) into a circle to do shots, but what the group doesn’t know is that these shots are dosed with MDMA, otherwise known as Molly. Kelsey and Thad laugh over the surprise and joke about cancelling golf with Thad’s dad tomorrow (ugh—that sounds so boring!), Josh seems relieved that this otherwise confusing and oddly put together Mitzvah is now potentially worth his time, and Liza and Maggie are peeing a little.
Manischewitz and Molly: Don’t try this at home, kids (of all ages).
Now that the drugs have taken full effect, everyone is off in their corners, Lauren’s sentiments about this night ringing in the not-so-distance. Kelsey and Thad are having a totally insightful conversation about guilt gifts because Thad presented Kelsey with a diamond bracelet and she confessed she bought him a really, really expensive watch. It seems in Kelsey and Thad’s world, these sentiments are only given when someone fucks up. The pricier the item, the worse the crime. Kelsey doesn’t bother telling Thad about the Swede, because they’re off in ecstasy land and it makes more sense to just keep kissing. Thad, however, has found a girl in a leather mini skirt to stare at.
Josh is on a mission for water while Maggie and Liza feel all the hairs on their bodies and make a pact to stay up all night talking. That’s when Lauren comes in from left field for the pounce—literally, pouncing on Maggie and sucking her face off. The two are full-steam ahead for heavy petting and making out. (Psssst, Lauren—does this mean you’ll drop the semi-offensive nicknames now? That’s playground stuff.) Go, Maggie! It’s Hot Mitzvah!
Lauren just put the “ahhhhh!” in Mitzvah.
When Josh returns, Liza is thrilled to the point of elated, loving bliss and spills out the three words she’s been letting creep closer and closer into their relationship, “I love you!” He says it back, not because he’s that high, but because he really means it, too. Liza knows now is the exact right moment, high as a kite on Molly, standing by a watery glass monument at Lauren’s Hot Mitzvah, to tell Josh the truth. There it is: She’s a 40-year-old mom from New Jersey. Josh laughs: “I know, right? Sometimes I feel like a 90-year-old fisherman from….” OK, he’s high. But Liza’s not joking—and he can see that now. This is real: His girlfriend has been lying to him all this time, and now as she’s swept off onto the dance floor, the buzz kill is enough to make Josh walk out.
So, what does all of this mean for Liza? Is Josh going to leave her, or accept her defense? What would you do if you were Josh? Are Maggie and Lauren going to make out again?
Tune in next week, and follow me on Twitter @the_hoff because #MaggieKnowsBest and girl just got some serious lip action. Way to give the people what they want, Younger! Hoot, hoot…