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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.01): Escape from the Dollhouse

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, the Liars got arrested, abducted, and forced to plan a prom in a dungeon. Mona was revealed to be alive, blonde, and rocking an Ali mask. We found out that A is Charles DiLaurentis, Ali’s long lost brother/cousin/twin/Sloth from The Goonies. And despite being five against one, not one little Liar tried to pry the mask off his stupid face.

The Season 6 premiere picks up right where we left off, in Charles’s dollhouse. We meet a new prisoner, a blonde stranger who is dressed like Ali and tallying her days on the wall. Dude, that’s A LOT of tallies.

She’s not tallying days: She’s tallying times Ezria grossed her out

The Liars are trapped outside the compound, surrounded by the electric fence. Spencer tells the Liars that she felt something familiar about Charles, but before she can elaborate it starts raining and the Liars are forced to hide under their prom dresses from the elements.

Emily gets the least amount of coverage bc lesbians are strong as hell

Days go by, as the Liars are starved and exposed to the elements. Mona assures them that they can live up to three weeks without food (yay?) but dehydration is their bigger problem. The Liars are so thirsty, that Hanna is willing to suck on a pee ice cube, and Emily would lick the sweat off a jock strap. Gross.

Starvation by Annie Liebovitz

Finally, the cellar doors open, and Charles tells them to get the fuck inside. With no other options, the Liars march back into their prison. They try to stick together, but Charles gasses them and takes Mona away. Classic Charles, amiright?

Where’s Imperator Furiosa when you need her?

The Liars wake up in a makeshift morgue, covered in sheets and presumably naked. You know it’s bad when Emily considers it a victory that her organs are still intact. Mona shows up as a candy striper (nice callback, guys) and offers the girls juice and aspirin.

Emily, stop looking at your own boobs!

Um, if you saw me naked you’d understand

Looking at your own boobs: the gateway drug to lesbianism

She is scared and hardcore pretending to be Ali, but before the Liars can find out more, the intercom voice demands that they return to their rooms for a surprise. Each girl enters her room, the doors slam shut, and we hear them screaming. Hoo boy.

Coffee? Tea? Me? JK you’re all getting roofied

We cut to three weeks later, where Ali has been released from prison and is making a public statement pleading for Andrew Campbell (who is now prime suspect in the kidnapping) to release the Liars. Now that everyone thinks Andrew is A, we can assume that he’s innocent based on the Hastings Principle, which decrees that anyone accused of being A is probably just a red herring.

I’m sorry that people are jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m so popular

Ali goes back inside, where Tanner and her officers are staked out. Turns out the press conference was an attempt to bait A into trying to take Alison. Love or hate Ali, you’ve got to respect that she is sincerely trying to find her friends. Also, her hair is on point. Do they have deep conditioner in prison?

Tobey, don’t fall asleep with a gun in your hand!

Back at the dollhouse, that nameless blonde girl is delivering trays of food to the Liars. They keep calling her Mona because of her hair, but what if Charles is forcing this girl to be Mona the same way he’s forcing Mona to be Ali? You can’t force someone into hyper-reality, Charles! That’s just science.

Hey bro, got some Ritalin?

Back at Ali’s house, the cops pull their guns on a mysterious shadow, that just turns out to be Jason with takeout. Ali’s phone rings, and Charles plays her a song. They trace the call and…it’s coming from inside the house! Like, for real!

Officer Muppet reporting for duty!

Tanner shoves Ali in a gift wrapping closet (ugh white people) and she and Tobey case the house. In Ali’s bedroom, they find a mannequin in a black hoodie wearing a pig’s mask. You know, like you do. Tanner answers the dummy’s cell and hears squealing. Zing! Cop jokes!

Masks, mannequins, and black hoodies: this show in one image

Meanwhile, Ali escapes from the gift wrapping closet and sneaks away to meet up with Ezra and Caleb. The whole thing was a setup to get Ali out…damn, these cops are stupid. Caleb gives Ali a pair of boots with a tracking device in them, and Ali goes to meet A at the kissing rock. Finally, someone took my advice and put a lo-jack on this girl.

These better be faux leather, or I’m gonna get an earful from Emily

Back at the dollhouse, the Liars are told to meet in Ali’s room and prepare for her arrival. As the girls come out of their rooms, we see that they are dressed as their season one selves: Aria has pink streaks and Avril Lavigne‘s castoffs, Spencer is super preppy, Emily is wearing a track suit, and Hanna…is wearing some ripped flowery thing? Everyone looks broken, and they’re unable to eve talk about what happened in their rooms.

It’s okay, Hanna, we all hate Aria’s streaks.

Fuck you guys

The Liars go to Ali’s bedroom and start unpacking boxes of her shit. They see a newspaper article about Ali’s release, and realize that Charles must be abducting Ali. Also, they all had to sign a welcome card for her. Charles is ALL about the details. The girls wonder what Ali’s arrival will mean for Mona, and we get a glimpse of Mona in a hole, screaming for Charles to let her out. It’s very Silence of the Lambs.

I will scale this wall like Talia al Ghul

Remember when Ali used to capture butterflies in this net and eat them whole to absorb their powers? LOL middle school was fun

While unpacking, Spencer finds an old toy with the initials C.D. on it, and she realizes that Charles is a DiLaurentis. Aria shows Spencer what Mona carved into the wall of the closet, and it’s not pretty.

kisses, A…sorry, force of habit!

Tobey and the cops are looking over press conference footage, we find out that Radley has been closed down. The cops get a partial plate on what they think is Andrew’s car, and run with it.

Crazy teens of Rosewood will have to find somewhere else to slow dance with ghosts

Ali goes to the kissing rock, where she hears the sultry sounds of Patsy Cline. She finds a car waiting for her, so she turns the key and the GPS starts giving her directions. I know Caleb and Ezra gave her those cool tracker boots, but maybe they should have given her a gun? A taser? A heavy rock? Literally anything.

Great, I guess I’ll just strangle A with this tasteful cardigan

The Liars return to their rooms and discover that they’ve all got boxes of their possessions. Apparently, Charles has been stealing from them for ages, and prepping this dollhouse for them. He also gives them an article about how their families are suffering, and Aria loses her shit. She screams at the cameras and tells Charles she’s going to kill him.

I’m gonna take this finger and jam it straight up your pee hole!

Aria, that’s not even a threat. Stop embarrassing yourself

Spencer calms her down and tells the Liars that they are busting out. She also takes Hanna’s Etch-A-Sketch and spells out “Charles is a DiLaurentis” because she won an Etch-A-Sketch contest as a kid, and we all know that if there is a contest for obscure skills, Spencer Hastings will show the fuck up and take the gold.

did this bitch have time for a signature in the corner?!

Back in the pit of despair, Mona is singing the mockingbird song to herself and creeping us all out. Ali drives to Tyler State Park and stops the car. She gets no service on her phone, so she presses the OnStar button, and surprise surprise it’s A, who tells her to open the damn trunk. Caleb and Ezra are tailing her, but keeping a careful distance. They finally arrive to find that Charles has forced Ali to change her clothes (yellow tops for everyone!) and leave her stuff behind or the Liars die. This info is conveyed in one of those voice recording greeting cards. The boys find Ali’s boots pointed towards the woods, and head in to find her.

I don’t think this card is sincere

Back at the police station, Tobey has tracked the car to the park and Tanner sends him with a team to investigate. She’s reading one of Andrew’s journals, where he rants about how much he hates the Liars. I wonder if it’s his real journal, or a Charles plant.

LOL at the “and Hanna and Emily” because he can’t find anything wrong with them

The generators shut off, and the Liars make a break for it. They go to the game room, and look for a secret entrance to the vault. Emily finds an air vent, and they crawl through it and into Charles’s movie vault/soul room.

Is that “A League of their Own”? Let’s escape in like, two hours

Spencer turns to the camera and says, “Game on, Charles” and proceeds to burn his precious home movie. They tell him that they want Mona back or they’ll torch the place, which seems like a bad plan considering they HAVE NO EXIT.

We don’t need no water, let the motherfucker burn!

Charles finds himself torn between saving his soul room and finally capturing Ali from the woods. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice of insane nonsense. The Liars start burning Charles’s toys and he angrily storms out of his lair.

Dammit, Charles! This is why we have DVDs!

Ali is alone in the woods, when she hears some noises. It’s not Charles, but Ezra and Caleb. They assume this was a wild goose chase, and walk off, not noticing the smoke rising from the forest floor. The Liars realize that the fire is spreading like, well, fire, and tear off the curtains to put it out.

OMG IT’S A WINDOW!!

Charles is standing behind the curtains, staring at them. The Liars tell him to say goodbye to his soul, and continue to torch his shit. Charles pulls the fire alarm and the sprinklers go off. Ali hears the alarm and Ezra finds an exit covered with branches.

Does anyone else smell a soul burning? It’s delicious

The Liars run through the dollhouse looking for Mona, and find her in the pit. They rescue her as Ezra and Ali open up the locked exit. The Liars and Mona come bursting out of the doors and into the arms of their loved ones, and the police arrive. Caleb reunites with Hanna, Spencer with Tobey, and Aria with Ezra. Emily holds hands with Ali, but I was really hoping for Emily and Mona to see the straight couples, shrug their shoulders, and start making furiously. Is that just me?

Lesbian power circle

The police bring out the blonde girl on a stretcher, and we find out that she’s Sarah Harvey, the Ali-alike who went missing a few towns over. Remember that time Hanna reached out to her friends and they were all dopplegangers? They even had their own flannel-wearing pseudo-Emily. Emily asks Ali who Charles is, and Ali looks at her like WTF.

Ali, I want this hand…all up in me

Fine, I’ll pick up some lube on the way home

What did you guys think of the episode? Hit me up @chelseaprocrast

Thanks to Nicole @PLLBigA for her amazing screencaps, which are as plentiful as Charles’s supply of mannequins!

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