“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: All in the family

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Chuck worries that his dad will get the last laugh by screwing him over in the will. He’s so nervous about it that he asks Blair to accompany him to find out his fate. Jack’s at the reading, too, because after Chuck, he’s the next of kin and wants Bass Industries as his gift.

Lily isn’t there because she’s in Boston being held emotionally hostage by Rufus until they find the son Rufus would have been the world’s number-one dad to, if he had only had the chance.

The will names Jack as Chuck’s legal guardian until Chuck turns 18. The will also names Chuck as the controlling interest (51%) of Bass Industries. Say what? Good ol’ Bart did have faith in his son.

Chuck thinks his father’s setting him up to fail from the grave. But after a pep talk from Blair, Chuck gains the confidence to give being the head honcho a go. Jack isn’t down with the idea. He claims Chuck isn’t ready.

Dan’s avoiding Serena like the plague because he knows the big secret and can’t tell Serena. Serena thinks Dan is ignoring her because he believes their parents will get together romantically which might add an ick factor to their love. After Serena walks away, Dan calls Rufus and tells him how hard it is to have to lie to his girlfriend. The Mean Girls overhear the “lie to Serena” part, and for Serena’s sake, send their suspicions to Gossip Girl, and then plot to find out whom Dan is cheating with. (I think it’s Nate! Wait. Dan’s actually not cheating.)

Lily is stuck with Rufus in Boston. He tries to badger and pout his way into being allowed to be a great father to a son he never knew he had. Now we know where Dan gets his self-righteousness and Jenny gets her self-absorption. From dear old dad! Yeah, the apples didn’t fall too far from the tree, it turns out.

Rufus and Lily talk to a lawyer who might be able to get word to the adoptive family that they would like to talk with their biological son. After waiting awhile, Lily’s ready to leave because there’s no certainty when or if the family will ever get back to them. Rufus is willing to stay in Boston until he hears back from the family. I guess Rufus thinks he’s done such a great job with the two kids he does know that he can leave them for long periods of time in NYC alone.

The lawyer calls and says that the family does not want to be contacted. This leads to a fight between Lily and Rufus, and Lily admits to her not-so-secret longtime love for Rufus.

After gagging on the bitter pill of disappointment, Jack tries to make nice with Chuck. He calls Blair and asks if she’ll help host a celebration for Chuck the next day. He wants Chuck to know he’s supported. Blair’s hesitant because she and Chuck already have plans that night to celebrate, and she tells Jack that Chuck knows he has her support. Jack insists that such an appointment needs to be celebrated on a grander scale.

Rumors are now circulating on Gossip Girl that Dan is cheating. Even the preoccupied Blair passes the info on to Serena, and they know right away that the minions are the ones snooping around and feeding the rumors.

While out with Vanessa, as she buys candy for a cutesy gift for Nate, Dan confesses what the big secret is because she notices that he’s been Danny Downer for days now. Unfortunately for Dan, out of all the candy stores in all of Manhattan, Nelly Yuki is also there and overhears part of the convo. Even worse, she steals Dan’s phone!

Serena goes to the gallery to ask Vanessa if she has any insight on what’s up with Dan. Vanessa lies and says she doesn’t know anything. After Serena leaves, Vanessa sends Dan a text basically asking when he’s going to come clean about Rufus and Lily sharing a child together who was placed for adoption years ago. The Mean Girls read the text, not Dan. I hope Vanessa has no plans of ever being in the CIA.

Chuck gets home and Jack wants to take him out on the town to celebrate. Chuck mentions his date with Blair, but Jack tells him to blow her off, suggesting that Chuck doesn’t need a “wife.” Jack points out that Bart’s rise to power was done while he was a bachelor. Three hot lovelies knock on the door, ready and willing to help Chuck celebrate the night away. He texts Blair, who’s looking so divine while waiting for him that he has to work late and cancels dinner.

At brunch the next day, the room is filled with the Board of Trustees and Chuck’s high school friends. Odd. Serena tells Blair that she’s not real sure what to make of Chuck and Blair playing adults.

Jack calls Blair from downstairs and says he and Chuck will be right up, but when the door opens only Jack walks in.

Jack introduces Blair to several board members and encourages them to run upstairs and visit Chuck, who’s working. The Mean Girls ask Blair’s permission to send Gossip Girl the info they have on Dan, but Blair’s too preoccupied to care and blows them off so they upload what they have.

The younger crowd gets simultaneous cell phone alerts. Jenny and Eric read it, and for the first time all episode both stop annoying each other and me and stare in silence. Things are so quiet that Dan and Serena look at their phones too and see their lives on full blast. Poor Serena. With friends like the Mean Girls, who needs terrorists?

Blair and a few board members walk in on Chuck with drugs on his desk, surrounded by two half-naked women. Blair’s disappointed. The board members are disgusted. Chuck’s been played like a banjo. He has no idea that a brunch was taking place in his honor downstairs.

Good thing Rufus and Lily had sex and didn’t leave Boston because the adoptive father changes his mind and agrees to meet with them. The man tells them that their son has drowned and produces a newspaper clipping. Ah, finally closure for Rufus and Lily, right? Wrong. The man’s wife shows up after Rufus and Lily leave, and we learn that they were lying and that one of their sons did die, but not Rufus and Lily’s offspring. Is it bad that I kind of want this entire story line to die?

Chuck confronts Jack. Jack agrees he set Chuck up, but Chuck took all the bait, which proves he’s too immature to really handle the job. Jack tells Chuck that there was one caveat to being in charge of Bass Industries: Chuck had to uphold a morals clause, and if he failed the board could replace him with his guardian who, of course, is Jack.

Serena tells Eric that she can’t really deal with the shared sibling news and that it makes her feel a tad too inbred. Eric assures her that she and Dan are not related and to keep the possibility of being together open. Then they head over to Dan and Jenny’s and sit around awkwardly. Dan and Serena profess their love for each other but both know it all feels weird.

Chuck comes to Blair’s with flowers to apologize for thinking that she helped to set him up earlier. Blair’s done. She realizes that her feelings for someone as destructive as Chuck really isn’t emotionally healthy. She tells him that she won’t be making any effort and tosses his flowers back at him.

The van der Woodsen and Humphrey (Humphreywoodsens? Van der humphs?) children try to decide what to do now that they are somewhat related but still have no parents in town.

Their parents then show up to the Humphrey loft holding hands? Oy.

Is it really all that weird for Dan and Serena to continue to date under the circumstances? Wasn’t Jack sort of right about 17-year-old Chuck trying to run a Fortune 500 company? Why do all TV couples have to run such crazy obstacle courses?

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