When it comes to LTRs on TV, I can’t help but notice how many of them are unhealthy. I guess it’s because watching a couple unravel in front of our eyes is a lot more entertaining than seeing one succeed. Remember when one mom in The Kids are All Right cheated on the other mom with the sperm donor guy and it was so sad and gross? Remember when Bette cheated on Tina with some carpenter lady and then Tina left her for a guy who I’m pretty sure was a banker (what a low blow) in The L Word? (Sorry, spoiler alerts from five decades ago). I don’t know if true love can last a lifetime, but I know that it can’t for lesbians on TV, except maybe for The Fosters. Here are the top three train wreck lesbian LTRs on the air right now.
Babe, you are so much better at lesbian sex than that banker guy was (tibettelovers.tumblr.com)
Alex and Piper (Orange is the New Black)
I don’t care how many times Alex gets thrown in jail with Piper. These ladies are doomed. Although these two have been on-again, off-again for years, they have no idea what it’s like to live everyday life together. They have only lived in the most extreme circumstances. In their past, they traveled around the world and stayed in luxury apartments. It was a lot like being onThe Bachelor—it was easy because a butler brought them scones and a drug-lord sent them to beautiful, far off destinations. In the present, or at least what I can glean from the Season 3 trailer, they are going to be living together again in jail and their relationship will become a lot more like The Maury Show. From the The Bachelor to Maury, it seems they’ve never had it normal. There’s always been some crazy circumstance. And I bet that if they lived in a charming house together on a quiet street, they’d be pulling each other’s hair out from boredom pretty fast.
Sure, it’s all fun and games when you’re both in jail. But can you survive 100 rainy day puzzles together?
Tammy and Sarah (Transparent)
Even if they are really cute together, I think they qualify as unhealthy because, when they re-start their relationship, Sarah is cheating on her husband. It’s just kind of icky, even if Tammy is a super hot, super successful realtor who clearly knows how to iron the fuck out of her shirts. I’m not judging them, I just don’t think they have the “kale smoothie” of LTRs. Hooking up in college and then to fucking again after you’ve both been married and one of you still is? It’s more like the fast food of LTRs. It’s a bad for you, it looks wrong under fluorescent lights, and it makes you feel terrible the next day.
Ah, that felt like a double extra big mac with four sides of fried potatoes and a shake. And other fast food items. I don’t know. I live in L.A. so I don’t know what they are called. I mostly eat quinoa.
Cosima and Delphine (Orphan Black)
Jeez, the manipulation. Are these guys for real? Also, are scientists actually this hot? Because I had no idea and I think I made a fatal life error by not paying attention in any science classes. I think these guys are unhealthy for a lot of reasons. First, they have the stress of one of Cosima having a fatal illness. Oh, I’m sorry, and the stress of her being a clone. Not just any clone, a clone who is constantly in a lot of danger. Then they have the stress of Delphine having been a creepy spy for a while, and the fact that she is generally untrustworthy because she is French. Zut alors. Their love is definitely hot, but it’s also very sad to see them struggle so much, and I have to say I think they need some serious couples’ therapy if they are going to make it work.
Yes, it’s very hot until you find out she is kissing the old guy. So typical and French.
Have ideas for topics you want to hear about? Know a great LTR couple we should interview? Send to LTRadvice@gmail.com.