An illustrated guide to tonight’s “The Returned” finale

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The season finale of The Returned airs tonight on A&E, and it’s been quite a ride. So far, I’ve got the official Returned count at 7 (that’s counting Simon twice, but not including Peter yet) and the death count at…IDK a lot—I think it’s about 13 (that’s not including deer, Adam’s previous victims, or people who died in the flood off camera).

To help you keep track of the tangled web these dummies have weaved, I’ve created a handy chart to differentiate between people who are actual threats and the one who are just creeps.

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1. Helen: She’s got a pocket full of dynamite and a brain full of religious ideology. Girl is nuts and will probably kill everyone in town, but I love her.

2. Victor: Has almost definitely caused at least three deaths. Also, is terrifying and makes me want to rethink the whole “having kids” thing.

3. Adam: Well, he’s a serial killer who likes to eat ladies’ stomachs, but maybe he’s reformed?

4. Peter: Is he Returned? Maybe. Is he lying about something? Probably. Is he a shitty therapist? Definitely.

5. Simon: Returned, twice now. TBH, he’s probably the biggest threat to himself. He’s a brooder in a dark place.

6Lucy: I put her fairly high on the threat chart, but only because she started hearing voices and that seemed suspicious. I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets murdered tonight, though.

7. Jack: He’s been on a real rollercoaster of emotions—first his favorite daughter comes back to life, then he finds out the woman he’s been banging has been scamming him and his wife has been cheating on him for years. He could snap.

8. Camille: Fucking Camille.

9. Tommy: He’s a cop who shot an unarmed man in cold blood and set up cameras to spy on his fiancée- and he’s still not as bad as Camille.

10. Rowan: Eh. She’s probably capable of some violence to protect her daughter.

11. Lena: You guys know I’m #teamlena all the way. My wife pointed out to me that she did have sex with a serial killer and was infected with some kind zombie wound, though, so I made her a little bit of a threat.

12. Julie: If I had made this chart earlier, Julie would have definitely been a bigger creep. She took way too long to see the true awfulness of Victor.

13. Claire: She’s pretty harmless, unless we’re talking about the emotional scarring of her terrible parenting—in that case, she’s the tops.

14. Nikki: She’s like an overprotective puppy, but she also might be dead. So, you know. Probably not a threat.

Tune in to The Returned (A&E) tonight at 10/9c to see who survives the finale. I’ll be livetweeting @jennalykes using the hashtag #LezReturned!

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