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“Gotham” recap (1.22): Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts for Everyone!

Welcome to the finale of Gotham, the show that has simultaneously delighted me and made me want to throw my laptop out the window! Mostly that second one.

Renee Montoya continues to be absent (since 1.11) so I assume she’s either transferred to a less awful city or is attending that silent meditation retreat that Bette went to in The L Word. One can only hope.

We open with Selina warming her hands over a trashcan fire. She sees a boat coming in, and out steps Fish Mooney, who has returned to Gotham with one blue eye and a bullet in her belly. Fish calls her child and tells her a new day is coming. SPOILER ALERT: That new day is super gay.

We then jump ahead two weeks later, where we find Bruce Wayne smashing all the pictures in his father’s office in search of some secret clue. Bruce is convinced that there’s something in the office that his dad didn’t want him to see, and he’ll tear the place apart to find it.

The city is still embroiled in the Maroni/Falcone gang war, so Falcone decides this is a great time to go out and buy a live chicken. He is chatting with the chicken (this is real) when someone drives up and fires a bazooka at his car. Just a typical Tuesday in Gotham.

Over at the GCPD, the cops have their hands full with the gang war. Lee is examining Barbara, which is super awkward. She recommends trauma counseling, but Barbara insists that she’s fine. She thanks Jim for saving her, and Lee insists that she talk to someone. Barbara says she feels comfortable with Lee, and asks if she’ll be her therapist. Lee reluctantly agrees, and I think we all know this is gonna get real weird real fast.

Bullock tells Gordon about the attack on Falcone, who is on the way to the hospital. Apparently, the Powers That Be/Comissioner Loeb have decided to join Team Maroni and have ok’d the hit on Falcone. Falcone wakes up and finds himself tied to a gurney in the backroom of a hospital. Penguin and Butch walk in with flowers and a machine gun, and Penguin tells Falcone that he betrayed him and started the gang war as part of his bid for power. Penguin is about to stab Falcone and usurp his place when Gordon busts in to stop him.

Gordon arrests Butch and Penguin and handcuffs them to the wall. Apparently, the city will fall apart without Falcone, so Gordon has to save him and help keep him in power. Sure, whatever. Gordon has to hustle Falcone out of there before Maroni’s men show up, but he realizes that he can’t leave without Butch and Penguin since technically they are in his custody. He calls Bullock for back-up and prepares to face down Loeb and Maroni’s gang. Bullets start flying, and Gordon shoots down most of Team Maroni before getting rescued by Bullock in a stolen ambulance. They barely escape.

Bullock drives them to a one of the million deserted warehouses in Gotham, and Falcone assures them it’s safe. JK it’s totally not, and the men are met by Selina, who sports a new gay haircut and a machine gun. She is joined by Fish Mooney, who is also rocking her own alternative lifestyle haircut and leading a team of female street urchins. They’re basically the Lizzies from The Warriors.

We then jump over to Lee and Barbara’s first therapy session at Barbara’s apartment. She tells Lee that she feels like the entire Ogre ordeal was a dream, and she keeps expecting to wake up. Lee tells her that she’s undergone a horrific trauma, what with her parents being murdered in front of her.

Back at the warehouse, Fish is reunited with Butch, and she’s overjoyed to see him despite his Zsasz brainwashing. Meanwhile, she’s tied up Gordon, Bullock, Penguin, and Falcone. She calls Maroni to offer him Falcone on a silver platter in return for her old territories. Gordon tries to reason with Selina, but she’s too busy being a badass to bother with him. Fish then tells the hostages she’s gonna kill them, except for Bullock because of that time they kissed on the dock and stuff.

Back at therapy, Barbara tells Lee that the Ogre knew her instantly and saw through all her defenses. She said it was scary but exciting being with him, just like it’s exciting to be with Jim, am I right girlfriend? She admits that she knows Lee and Jim are dating, and she wants them to be happy. She also asks if Jim ever hit her out of passion, and Lee’s like “nope, he only assaults me with boredom and self righteous behavior”.

Maroni arrives at the warehouse, delighted to see his enemies strung up. Penguin is pleading with Fish for his life, but she’s in no mood for his bullshit. Maroni quickly offends Fish by offering her an underling position instead of a partnership. Even worse, he keeps calling her “Babes.” After continually teasing and talking down to her, Fish has had enough of Maroni’s bullshit and puts a bullet in his head. YAS KWEEN. This start a big fire fight between Maroni’s and Fish’s gang, and Bullock helps free Gordon and Falcone.

Barbara continues to creep Lee the fuck out by offering her tea and snacks. Lee tries to dig deeper into Barbara’s experience with the Ogre, but Barbara warns her that she’s too nice to handle it. She wants to know if Lee and Jim are in love, and Lee tries to keep the session from going off the rails.

Falcone and the cops escape the gang fight and run down the street. Falcone decides that he’s officially too old for this shit, and is moving down south to retire. Gordon tries to convince him to stay, when they are busted by Selina and brought back to Fish. Fish declares herself the new queen of Gotham, and allows Falcone to slink off into retirement. Just then, Penguin comes in firing his machine gun and the gang war continues. He chases after Fish while Falcone and the cops run away.

Barbara tells Lee what happened when the Ogre took her to see her parents. He made Barbara talk to them about her childhood issues (which is the worst kind of torture for WASPs) and she was forced to pull from her old memories. We find out that Barbara’s mother used to make fun of her weight and undermine her self esteem. She says her parents never understood her, not even when she was stabbing them to death. Lee reminds her that the Ogre killed her parents, but Barbara is like, “nope, I murdered them bc I am crazy like a fox now.” Barbara then brandishes a knife at Lee and they start fighting. Guys, Barbara has gone insane in the membrane! Insane in the brain!

Lee locks herself in the bathroom as Barbara batters down the door like she’s Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Lee breaks the mirror and takes some glass shards to protect herself, and gets in an all-out brawl with Barbara. Barbara slaps the crap out of her, and Lee bangs her head into the floor. Meanwhile, Falcone, Bullock, and Gordon ride up the elevator with a woman and her poodle.

Gordon walks in to find Lee pummeling Barbara, and quickly breaks up the fight. Barbara is snarling and growling like a rabid dog. Guys, I am INTO crazypants Barbara. Please have her come back as a super villain next season!

Back at the warehouse, Penguin has chased Fish onto the rooftop. They start fighting, and she whacks him with a pipe. They are about to push each other off the roof when Butch pulls a gun on them. Unable to decide whose side he is on, Butch shoots both of them. He collapses and apologizes to Fish, who assures him that they are gonna be okay. Penguin then sneaks up and knocks Butch out. He then tosses Fish over the ledge, and she falls screaming into the water below. Penguin then stands on the roof ledge and screams out that he is king of Gotham. Sure thing buddy, whatever you say.

We then briefly check in with Ed Nigma. Miss Kringle approaches him about his name spelled out in the letter from Doherty (that he wrote) and he assures her it’s just a coincidence. He then giggles maniacally and argues with himself as if he has a dual personality. Everyone’s going crazy in the finale I guess.

Gordon and Falcone look out over the city, and Falcone says he’s gonna miss Gotham. Gordon asks him to stay, but Falcone says that the city doesn’t need a mobster. It needs a stand up law man, like Gordon. He then gives Gordon a knife that was given to him by Gordon’s father. He says that Gordon Sr. was the most honest man he ever met, but he still needed a knife.

At Wayne Manor, Bruce and Alfred have torn apart the office and found nothing. Bruce suddenly remembers his dad’s affinity for Marcus Aurelius, and finds an old philosophy book with a remote control hidden in the binding. He presses the button, and classical music starts playing. The fireplace retreats into the wall, revealing a hidden passageway. We don’t see anything, but we hear the unmistakable flutter of bats.

That’s all folks! So, what did you think of the Gotham finale? Is Fish Mooney alive or dead? Probably dead since she already said she won’t be back for Season 2. Tweet me your finale feels @chelseaprocrast and thanks for watching this hot mess with me!

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