Yesterday was a full moon in Scorpio out here in the modern world, far away from 1692 Salem. But I speculate the Countess (Lucy Lawless) has a few planets in Scorpio. (In fact, her entire natal chart is surely all water signs.) As her ship closes in on Salem’s harbor, we’re greeted with another dose of mother-son love. Her devoted son is eager to “taste” Mary Sibley, who he calls “Little Minx.” He talks about how she’s let him taste Anne Hale. So, is that the reason for the Countess’ seemingly gross make out sessions with her own son—so that he can taste any witch he wants?
The Countess has other concerns, like half of her face rotting off. But, hey, no problem! Just tie a girl to the ceiling of the starboard side and let her drip, drip, drip blood all over the Countess so that she’s back to her youthful, beautiful, human self in no time.
Back in Salem, unaware of her water travels, Mary has a morning chat with her son, who totally saw her getting busy with Dr. Samuel last night. Oops. We appropriately cut to Cotton Mather being held hostage by John Alden, tearing through Cotton’s books, picking out the page that begins: “Can the spawn of a witch by a witch…?” Does he know what he’s looking for? Does he realize his own son sits in the Sibley mansion unaware of his father’s return to town? Eh, JA has bigger things to contend to, like those creeping vines that keep cropping up all over his body.
Cut to Anne Hale, who’s talking sweetly to her mouse, Jenkins. She’s telling him about her new Book of Shadows when suddenly there’s a knock at the door and Mr. Hathorne barges in. He’s here to accuse Anne of witchcraft. She’s baffled! She’s horrified! Ah, but Mr. Hathorne has a solution to this mess—burn at the stake or marry him! And if she marries him, then surely no one would accuse her as his “wife.” But, if not, then he can’t protect her. WTF. Anne rushes to Mary for help. Mary tells her to marry him, but why??? “We women are utterly defenseless without a man,” Mary explains without batting a lash. And for Mary, even though that comment seems lacking in power, it’s the reality of the Sibley household every day. Without her George nearby, she would have no power as Head Mistress of the Sibley estate, as his wife, as the Select Woman who hears over the Select Men, even when they moan and groan with woman hate. So, yes, Anne. You must marry the man who will protect your witchcraft without realizing he’s doing so, because that’s what you are, a witch.
Or you could manipulate your situation in another way—and this way could even be pleasing. Mary tells Anne to ask Cotton Mather to marry her. His family is just as sacred and respected in Salem and she would be safe and avoid being accused marrying him as well. But this will involve a spell. Mary says to take something of his, leave something of hers, and then say the following words—which she writes out on a piece of paper. One last thing though: Mary must know who this Countess is, and if Anne can’t give up the details, the paper burns and the spell to get Cotton to marry her will never work. Anne obliges Mary, but with major resistance, well knowing the powers of the Countess rolling in on that dark wine sea. She says her name is Countess Ingrid Von Marburg, the last of the true witches, a German witch bitch who is single-handedly responsible for many of breeds of witches dying out completely.
Meanwhile Mercy Lewis is humming like Gilbert Gottfried in need of a throat lozenge. She’s still torturing Isaac while her loyal BFF Dollie Trask stands nearby to witness Mercy literally eating tiny bits of him. This time though, Dollie can’t sit by and watch her beloved Isaac die. It seems she’s developed strong feelings for Isaac in all this time she’s sat by and she starts to kiss his pox face like it’s no big deal. Hello, Dollie! After she overhears Mercy telling her father that she plans to eat his heart tonight, she races to Isaac ad cuts him loose. He tells her she’ll kill her, which is probably true. She hammers Mercy’s father’s over the head to get him out of the way, and with Mercy nowhere in sight, the two dash out into the night to hide.