Have you guys been watching Banana and/or Cucumber? If not, here’s a (really, really oversimplified) recap: Cucumber centers around Henry Best, a middle-aged gay man who has just split with his boyfriend of nine years. Banana, meanwhile, is an anthology series that focuses on some of the younger, peripheral Cucumber characters. (Some spoilers below.)
If you’re looking for a light hearted queer comic romp, you probably don’t want to watch either of these shows. Yes, they’re well-made and both have their fair share of laughs, but damn. Shit gets dark, and in a hurry. One of the most likable characters from Cucumber, Dean, turns out to be a bit of an insufferable pathological liar in his episode of Banana. So it goes.
This is Scotty. Scotty is the cutest.
Anyway, episode two of Banana is all about Scotty, Dean’s adorable coworker and friend. The episode opens with Scotty describing a quick visit to the grocery store. She had only popped in to get a few things, but she ended up seeing the woman that she’s going to spend her “whole life with.” The woman ends up being a fairly average middle-aged lady, but Scotty is enamored. “She’s not your sort of beautiful, but I think she’s lovely,” she tells Dean.
Also, Scotty has been back to the grocery store at the same time each week (Tuesdays between 6:30 and 6:45) to see the woman for the past almost four months. Okay—I guess that could still be considered cute, right? It’s like going to the same coffee shop around the same time so you can make eyes at the cute barista, kind of.
It’s a new Tuesday and Scotty is back at the grocery store. This time, she sees her mystery lady get out of her car- what a stroke of luck! She peers into the car and sees the name “Y. Burgess” on an envelope. Okay, Scotty—we’re moving out of cute territory and into creepy now.
Back at Dean’s flat, Scotty wonders what the letters “HMRC” meant on the envelope she saw. Henry (who moved in with Dean after he broke up with his boyfriend) explains that it means she works for customs. He’s also just so exasperated by having to explain things to the kids.
Henry is the worst.
Scotty goes to work at a call center, one of her many jobs. While her doofy supervisor introduces a ridiculous new break policy (instead of leaving to smoke, employees can just sit at their desk and put on a red cap so no one will bother them), Scotty uses the call center’s database to search out phone numbers for her Y. Burgess.
In front of a fairly sizable audience at Dean’s place, Scotty starts making the calls. She asks for either Yvonne, or sometimes Yvette, and finally hits the jackpot. She tells a man that it’s Scotty (“from customs”) but when he puts Yvonne on the phone, Scotty freezes and hangs up. Everyone laughs.
lol prank callz!
Later, Scotty goes to visit her mother, who has an undisclosed, long-term illness. Her mom is supportive of the crush, but tells her “not to be daft with this one.” Scotty’s face is serious, so we know this isn’t the first time she’s gotten wrapped up in obsessive behavior over women. Before she leaves, Scotty stashes a bunch of cash in a jar above the kitchen cabinets.
Okay, I’ve been willing to cut Scotty a lot of slack, but now thing have escalated to another level. She’s sitting in her work van outside of Yvonne’s house. She calls and hangs up the phone when someone answers, it’s like she’s 12 years old. This goes on for a while, weeks maybe? Scotty goes to work, she helps out around Dean’s flat, and she watches Yvonne’s house at night.
Go home, Scotty.