Just when I wasn’t sure how to tip the cool o meter, Liza goes and says those magic words to Josh as they’re waking up from a night of sexy finally-sex (and breaking his bed in the process.) He wants to know about her “first ride.” So, how did Liza lose her v-card? “He took me to a Nirvana concert. We got drunk and did it for two minutes in the back of his dad’s Pontiac Sunfire.” GIRL SAW NIRVANA? I would so be showing off my age for that kind of cred. Josh isn’t sure what’s up, but he’s not the sharpest crayon in the box so he rolls with it, “Were you, like, five?” She says it was some kind of coveted reunion show with a Kurt Cobain hologram. (Actually glad that didn’t happen.) Liza knows how to distract Josh from this—more sex!
Maggie is sipping coffee as per usual, waiting to hear all details of Liza’s night—who is now describing herself as a 26-year-old monster. She feels major guilt about still keeping her age a big secret from Josh, but she wants to break his bed again, and she doesn’t know if she’s ever going to find sex like this again. She’s found an oasis in this otherwise seemingly desolate desert where, palm fronds, grapes, oils, and magic carpets await her—so long as she continues to act younger. Anyway, Maggie doesn’t see the harm in this good deal. “It’s just sex,” she says, which is also that line we hear right before something really fucked up happens.
Meanwhile Kelsey is basking in her post-win with the Swedish author she wanted to sign. His book is her hot ticket to star editor status, and she says she wants to take Liza under her marketing team wing. The girls go out to celebrate later that night, including #ToplessTuesday Lauren, who starts gabbing with Kelsey about Tiger Beat boys they were sure they’d marry when they were kids. Lauren mentions JTT and Andrew Keegan, so Kelsey asks Liza which one she was more of—a JTT girl or a Keegan girl. Liza picks Keegan and the girls make a face. (They totes preferred “JT Squared.”) Frankly, forget both of those pinup bois and skip right to the top of the Bop cake, Devon Sawa. Now that’s a heartthrob. (Also, maybe I still have all my Sawa pinups.)
Kelsey tells Liza to “not let her get too drunk”—another case of a classic last line. Her boyfriend Thad shows up unexpectedly, which is Lauren’s cue to go. She has a party to get to where they’re apparently eating sushi off cisgender models. Thad slides in next to Kelsey, who asks if he remembers Liza. “Who?” He looks over and gives her his best humdrum “Oh, yeah…” as if the excitement is just too much to contain! Liza’s not too thrilled either. Thad immediately squashes on their skinny margarita parade and pulls out a thick clip of cash, ordering an overflow of tequila shots after calling the bartender “bro” which is gross and predictable. Liza intervenes and says Kelsey and her are cool on the shots, that Kelsey needs to be alert for her author tomorrow morning, following the lead Kelsey gave her when they started, but Thad doesn’t look impressed (cause Kelsey be his “ride or die bitch”!) He gives her is best Wolf of Wall Street, “Sweetie, I move 50 million in paper each day.” Ew.
As predicated, there goes Kelsey, slurring her words, falling over. She wants to go to Brooklyn to get tattooed but Thad “doesn’t do Brooklyn” and Liza just wants to get the fuck outta here before she has to spend another second with Thad. Well, not to worry—Thad doesn’t want to get tattooed, so he’s also getting the fuck outta here. No time to sit and cry over Thad, Kelsey’s Uber is here! Time to get inked. (Maybe a simply placed “JTT” with a heart around it?)
On the way to Brooklyn, Kelsey is zooming in on pictures of the Swede—cooing over his “smoldering eyes.” Maybe she’ll just send him a text, right? What’s wrong with that? EVERYTHING. “U R HOTTTT” reads her text to the Swede author. Liza is horrified that she just did that, but Kelsey’s too plastered to see the problem (yet.) Outside of Josh’s tattoo parlor/apartment building, the lights are out and the shop is closed, but—that’s simply not good enough for Kelsey. After midnight on a weeknight? Pfffft. She came all the way here to get tatted, and she’s not going home until she gets a meatball or a Volvo symbol etched on her boob. She starts to throw sidewalk debris at Josh’s window. The setup feels almost inevitable now as we wait for his window to break (which it does) and for his light to turn on (which it does) and for Josh to appear at his window with another woman (which he does.) She looks like a total model (of course!) and walks out to the street with Josh when he sees that it’s Liza and her obviously drunk friend now puking behind the recycling bins.
Liza takes stock of the situation and decides she needs to haul ass and get a taxi out of there. Kelsey is still muttering about not getting a tattoo and Josh wants to “talk” to Liza for a second, to obviously explain is “situation.” But, what situation is there? Liza thought she was riding solo in fantasyland with Josh on a one-way, single-person passenger ticket to paradise. Maybe she knew he’d be sleeping with other girls, or maybe she began to ignore it as her confidence grew. Either way, his explanation and her confusion will have to wait until tomorrow.
As expected, Kelsey doesn’t wake up in time for her meeting—still passed out in last night’s clothes, gazing out of one eye at her iPhone blinking and alarming as if it’s a foreign object of the 22nd century. Liza’s already had her Maggie talk for the day, who now sees how bad Liza has it for Josh. At the office, the Swede (Thorbjorn Harr) is sitting alone, waiting for an obviously absent Kelsey. Diana and Liza try to hold him, but he gets up in a huff and walks out. When Kelsey finally shows, she blames Liza for letting her get too drunk. Liza can’t believe what she’s hearing, because HELLO, she tried in vain to try to get Kelsey to slow her roll. She catches K up to date with all the shenanigans she conveniently blacked out on the night before—including what appears to be the biggest blunder of all now in the light of day, Josh’s other girl.
Kelsey apologizes to Liza after calling her a “50-year-old” and calls Josh’s model girl a stupid cow. It’s a pretty insightful moment if you think about how girls create expectation and rely on their girls to “have their back.” Kelsey wanted that out of Liza, but she also wanted to just do whatever she wanted, so the hard work Liza put into actually having Kelsey’s back went out the window—well, broke the window. Literally. Now that Kelsey is taking ownership of her shit storm from the night before, she thinks having Liza’s back requires her to slut shame the girl Josh was with out of loyalty. Liza says, “You don’t even remember,” pointing out how easy it can be for someone to have one’s back, but you have to do a lot more than say, “Sorry you saw them go to pound town. That girl’s probably stupid.” If anything, now Liza knows what a night out with Kelsey is like. But let’s not boil that down to being a 26-year-old. That’s being around a Kelsey-year-old.
Josh is waiting for Liza on her stoop after she gets off work, because he’s this mystical man creature who follows up with girls after he is caught with another girl. Sure, he’s young and free and he can have that pretty blonde, but to show up for Liza like this is pretty evolved. It sounds like he’s really, truly ready to be in the present and wants a second chance. When he asks Liza about her past relationship, she cryptically explains her marriage, which he says sounds “heavy” for a college relationship. They kiss and make up, and this time, “Tempted by the Fruit of Another” would be not so appropriate as background music.
Meanwhile somewhere across the bridge in some upper crust apartment, Thad is binge-watching Gilmore Girls while his girlfriend fantasizes over that KISS she got from the Swede when she decided to ring his bell and confront him at his house with an apology. Lauren is ogling pictures of JTT. Maggie is probably on cup number five of coffee, Liza’s daughter is still on a bus in India, Josh’s model girlfriend has already moved on to (a newly single) Angel Haze and Liza and Josh are breaking his bed in five places now, instead of three.
Tune in next Tuesday to TV Land for a new episode, and catch up with me @the_hoff so we can talk about how #MaggieKnowsBest and place bets on when and if they’ll give Maggie a subplot romance. Stay young, XO