“Newlyweds: The First Year” recap (2.5): Please Baby, Baby Please

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This week’s episode kicks off with one of the Abby family’s favorite pastimes: Laura gets ready to go out while Sam makes fun of how long it takes her. Laura puts on make-up and does her hair for a dinner at her parents’ house. She doesn’t need to get too fancy, she says, since it’s just family. In other words, Sam doesn’t need to hose Laura down with the spray tanner today. It’s a bummer because the spray tanning ritual is a lot of fun to watch.

getting ready

At Laura’s family home, her parents, brother, sister-in-law and baby niece sit around and talk about a variety of topics (actually, the baby doesn’t say anything). They discuss what it was like for Sam and Laura to meet each other’s parents and the different styles of communication used by each of their families. But mostly, they talk about how cute their baby niece is. When we see Sam and Laura holding this baby, we immediately know that they need to have kids. Just imagine them with their two fluffy Pomeranians AND a baby? Heads will explode from the cuteness. Picturing the potential holiday cards they could send to friends and family with professional photos of their dogs and baby in matching outfits gives me goose bumps. Fingers crossed they have a baby by the end of the season!

Laura Fam

During dinner, Laura’s brother steals the spotlight by interrogating Laura and Sam about when they will have kids and who will “go first.” By this he means, who will get pregnant first. He makes it sound like a good thing to go first, but personally, I’d much rather let my wife do the test run so I can see first-hand if getting pregnant is worth it. Sam and Laura explain that they will have a medical screening, and whoever has fewer eggs left will go first. Laura’s brother tries to stir the pot some more (“so it’s just based on engineering and not emotions?”), but the ladies remain unfazed. Looks like you can’t talk these two into making a huge life choice over dinner. Even if it is mom’s tortellini.

laura brother

My favorite part about this scene is when Laura and Sam are drinking both milk and wine at the same time. It makes sense because they had pasta for dinner (wine) and are eating cake for dessert (milk), but it’s funny because having both of these beverages on the table at once only ever happens when you’re having dinner with your parents.

milk and wine

Next on the list of things to do: Sam and Laura visit a fertility doctor. They need to get a move on. Most of the straight couples in the show are already pregnant (by the fifth episode). Sam and Laura aren’t sure they want a baby right now, but what they find out from the doctor is that they need to start planning now if they want to have a baby anytime in the next century. Sorry, lesbians, it’s time to wake up and face reality: No one in your relationship has any sperm. Having kids is going to be a long, drawn-out, and expensive process. Sam and Laura are just at the beginning.

somber faces at the doctor

Laura and Sam find out from the doctor that one vile of sperm costs $500-600 and that one insemination (they may need multiple) costs $10,000-15,000. It’s sad to see how easily the straight couples on the show have gotten knocked up (after sharing a bottle of wine on date night), while these two have to sit in an office and hear that having a baby will probably be the most expensive, time-consuming thing in their lives.

The ladies head home and shop around on the “Facebook of sperm donors” for a while. The website tells you about each donor (eye color, hair color, hobbies, sports, celebrity doppelganger). The creepiest feature is that you can also hear what each man’s voice sounds like. Yuck. All of the voices sound terrible and gross. Laura can’t handle it, and leaves Sam alone on the couch with the dogs.

sperm shopping

Sam and Laura chat in bed about whether or not they want a baby in the next decade. Sam seems to want it now, but Laura wants it when she is 33 or 35. Unless one of them wants to spend $20,000 to get pregnant in secret using a sperm donor with a creepy voice, the baby decision will probably have to wait until both wives are on board.

Coming up next week, we see previews of Laura getting a lap dance at a strip club. OMG!

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