“The Returned” recap (1.4): Twin Theory

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[Warning: this recap contains a pretty graphic image]

Previously on The Returned, Julie and Nikki used to have hot, masked makeout sessions, but then Julie got stabbed and Nikki gave her seven years worth of space. Lena is still weirded out by Camille’s return, and now has a gaping wound on her back that’s getting worse. Rowan figured out that her dead fiancé was not just a figment of her imagination, so they they kissed while Rowan’s new fiancé watched on the creepy surveillance system he installed in her house.

29 Years Ago

Once upon a time, Victor was just a regular, less-creepy kid who even sometimes spoke actual words other than “Victor.” His mom, who looks like lesbian Susan from Friends/Gretchen Schwartz from Breaking Bad (Maybe? IMDB is inconclusive.), reads him a bedtime story and tucks him in before getting murdered. Victor runs to hide in the closet and one of the intruders tries to protect him, telling him to stay put and be quiet. He tells Victor to just sing a song in his head and they’ll be gone soon. The other guy enters the bedroom and, ignoring his partners pleas that “he’s just a kid,” shoots Victor right through the closet door.

photo1 Well, no wonder the kid is afraid of the dark.

Present Day

Returned Victor keeps upping the creep scale, this time he gets into Julie’s bed while she’s asleep and kisses her head. Hearing a scream, Julie goes out in the hall to check things out and her annoying neighbor is super, super dead.

photo2Looks like the cat got your tongue, lady. (I’m sorrrrrrry)

Victor followed Julie and he’s just standing there looking at the neighbor. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that he’s responsible for the murder.

Elsewhere in town, Rowan’s kid thinks there are monsters in the attic, but Rowan is like, “Shh honey, that’s just mommy’s dead lover who came back to life. Or mice. Who can tell, really?” Rowan’s kid accepts that explanation and goes to school. Tommy, who btw knows that A) Simon came back to life and B) he’s totally banging Rowan, goes, “You look stressed. Should we postpone the wedding? I feel like you’re keeping something from me.” Rowan does a pretty bad job of lying, but Tommy leaves to go do cop things.

Rowan heads up to the attic as soon as Tommy leaves and is practically bombarded by a shirtless Simon. Deadboy has zero chill and is unbuckling his pants in about three seconds flat. Rowan is like, “IDK how they do it in the afterlife, but here on Earth women like foreplay, so slow your roll.” Simon decides that if he can’t bang Rowan, he will chow down on some food. Okay, the Returned are always hungry I GET IT, I PROMISE, STAAAAHHHP.

Camille is eating breakfast and looking at her old Facebook page like, “OMG all these people missed me so much, I’m so great,” when her mom drops the bomb that they might move to a town where everyone doesn’t know she’s dead. Camille does not want to move. Upstairs, Lena is looking real rough, that gash on her back is worse, and she tumbles right down the stairs.

photo3 P sure that’s a zombie infection?

They bring Lena to the hospital, which is the place they SHOULD HAVE brought Camille as soon as she Returned. Lena thinks it’s not at all a coincidence that her wound appeared right after Camille came back, but their mom obviously loves Camille more so she’s like, “Lena, you shut your dirty whore mouth.”

Nikki is back at Julie’s apartment investigating the neighbor’s murder, and Julie wants to know if the killer is the same guy who attacked Lucy (aka the same guy that attacked her seven years ago). Nikki doesn’t know yet. All of a sudden, the lights flicker in the bathroom, so Victor gets scared and runs out to hug Julie. Nikki is like, “Uh wtf? Did you have a kid while I was away?” Julie explains that she found him, and Nikki is properly horrified by the situation. Julie goes, “You just mind your beeswax and keep giving me space.” Nikki’s like, “No can do-sville, babydoll,” and then she leaves.

photo4 “Wow, I guess my ex has really lost her marbles.”

Tommy is at the police station questioning Jack about his relationship with Lucy. He puts on a terrible MRA routine, asking Jack, “That little bitch was conning you, right, brother? She totally deserved what she got, didn’t she? Women, amirite? Fuck them all.” Jack’s like, “Yeah, we were banging. And, yeah, she took my money. It sucks, but I didn’t kill her.”

Tommy leaves the interrogation room and thinks to himself, “Speaking of women and men doing terrible things to them, I wonder what my fiancée is up to right now? I’ll check on her through the cameras I hid around her house.” He finds her making sweet, sweet love to Deadboy and he’s very angry about that.

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