Archive

“Once Upon A Time” recap (4.17): The Two Idiots

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Snow White and Prince Charming did something still unbeknownst to us that caused Maleficent to lose her baby, Mary Margaret and David kept this factoid from everyone except Regina, Regina went undercover with the Queens of Darkness, and August told Team Charming that The Author is trapped in the drawn door.

We open in the Enchanted Forest a long, long time ago, with Snow White and Prince Charming darting about the woods looking for a unicorn. The plan is, they touch the unicorn’s horn and they can see the future of their child. But the two idiots both grab on and see both projected futures for Emma. David sees a happy bundle of baby and Snow White sees an angry teenager who shoves her hand in Snow White’s chest. Snow says, “But I’m your mother!” and teenage Emma says, “I don’t care.”

Present-day Regina and Emma try to figure out how they’re supposed to get an author out from behind a paper door. They come thiiiiis close to drawing a key, which actually wouldn’t have been the worst idea anyone’s had on this show. Or even in this episode. They start throwing ideas around and are so distracted by each other, it takes Henry a minute to get their attention.

When they do look over, Henry tells them there’s something wrong with August. They take him to Mother Superior and says that he’s been affected by so much magic that he’ll have to be strong to come out of this one alive. Even though the rest of them have been under, like, eight curses each in four seasons, but whatever.

Regina says she has to return to the Queens of Darkness (and Gold) with something so Emma produces a fake replica of the page with the door in a heartbeat, because when Regina is near her, she’s stronger. Regina knows Gold will sense it’s a fake right away so she takes a picture with her phone instead. She hugs Henry tight and probably would have hugged Emma too if she wasn’t afraid she’d never let go.

Hook stops by and says Ursula told him the baddies plan on darkening Emma’s heart to turn her into a villain. Emma almost laughs; if that’s their plan, they can all take a nap now, because that’s not going to happen. Hook says you don’t always get to choose the darkness, sometimes the darkness chooses you. But Emma says she’s the master of her own damn fate thank you very much.

Despite being literally two feet from the one person they want to keep their secret from the most, Mary Margaret and David stage whisper about how worried they are that even after everything they did to ensure it didn’t happen, Emma could still go dark. Mary Margaret can’t just sit around and wait, she has to do something. Sure, Emma’s “superpower” of lie detecting wasn’t very strong and sure she’s somehow not hearing them talk about it right in front of her, but she could still find out! And they can’t have that.

Regina goes back to Gold’s cabin and says that “The Savior” put a protection curse on the page so the best she could get them was a picture. My theory on why she never said Emma’s name is because the amount of True Love in the way she said it would have blown all the evildoers back a few paces and blow her cover. Gold takes one look at the picture and knows it’s magical because of the flare but I mean my brother thinks dust orbs in pictures are ghosts so I don’t know why they all just take his word for it. Regina says the Savior won’t let the page out of her sight so gosh darnit I guess they have to find a new evil plan, but Maleficent has plans to take care of the Savior.

Regina absolutely does not like the sound of that.

Hook asks Emma about August because right now feels like a good time to be a jealous boy toy and Emma says that after she fell in love with a girl named Lily when she was a teenager and then pushed her away, she didn’t get close with anyone until she met August. But really he’s like a brother to her, since he’s pretty much a child in her eyes now. Their conversation is interrupted by a wave that almost looks like the Northern Lights. A wave that promptly knocks them out.

Flashback Snow White and Charming are on their way back to their castle when they run into a peddler whose cart is stuck. They help him out and give him a flask of whiskey, and in return he warns them that Maleficent is wreaking havoc, laying eggs and taking names, in the direction they’re headed, and they should probably go into the Infinite Forest, where they will find a kind old man in a cottage that will help them.

The duo finds the cottage easy enough and the sorcerer’s apprentice opens the door to greet them before they even knocked.

In present-day Storybrooke, Maleficent tells Gold she wants to up the deal. Now that it’s just her and Cruella, whose power is to control animals, yet she doesn’t always have a tiger or a wolf by her side, Mal knows her magic is indispensable to Gold’s plan. (Side note: It would have been interesting to see if Cruella would have been able to brainwash Ruby into playing for their team…IF RUBY WAS ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND.)

Maleficent says in exchange for her help, she also now wants to know what happened to her child after the heroes took it, because its fate has been a mystery to her all these years. If he finds out and tells her, she’ll gladly help him get the page and make these so-called “heroes” pay.

Meanwhile, Mary Margaret is having a bit of an identity crisis because she was under the assumption that she was a good guy but she’s been lying her ass off since the second the Queens of Darkness rolled into Storybrooke. Her panic attack is interrupted when she and David realize everyone else is asleep and they must be immune to the sleeping curse.

In the Charming Loft, Cruella looks upon a sleeping Emma and wants to ring her neck right here and now but Regina is like, “DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT YOU DOGGONE SONOVA what nothing I didn’t say anything I don’t love her what are you talking about it’s just not a good idea okay shut up.”

Gold realizes the page isn’t in the Loft and also realizes that those who have been under a sleeping curse would be immune and ALSO realizes that this means Henry must be running around Storybrooke with the page. Why wasn’t he this good at knowing things while he was playing for the good guys? Regina tells them all that if anyone hurts a hair on Henry’s head they’ll be fireballed so fast they won’t know what hit them.

Henry calls Mary Margaret and tells her that he’s at the sorcerer’s mansion and his grandparents tell him they’re on their way. David literally tells him that as long as he has the page he is in mortal danger and then also literally tells him not to move. Instead of, oh I don’t know, saying hide the page and run for your life. Or literally any other advice.

David tells Mary Margaret that they should destroy the page but Mary Margaret is worried that it will either kill the author, trap him forever, or ruining Regina’s chance at becoming their daughter-in-law.

Back in time, the sorcerer’s apprentice tells Snow White and Prince Charming that everyone is born with the potentially for good and evil but that doesn’t calm Snow down. She wants to ensure their child’s goodness, even though that will be essentially stripping it of at least 50% of its free will. Shockingly enough, this magic comes with a price, and they must transfer the darkness potential into another pure being. (p.s. This spell cannot be undone.)

David doesn’t love the idea of poisoning another baby with extra negativity but Snow White says it doesn’t have to be a human baby. And instead of choosing, oh I dunno, a bird? she chooses Maleficent’s dragon baby. Because even though Maleficent is both human and dragon, she’s sure this thing that will be hatched will be pure beast and thereby pure evil. Also she’d apparently rather a second evil dragon flying around than like an evil bluebird.

At the sorcerer’s house, Henry is hiding under a table when the page lights up and points him to a drawer. He opens the drawer and finds a key but before he can do anything with it, Regina and her new henchwomen appear.

Regina tells Henry to give her the page, middle naming him and everything, her eyes pleading with him to understand exactly which page she means for him to give her, her mind probably praying nurture will win out over nature on this one and he takes more after her than his grandparents. He hands her a page and she takes her henchwomen and scoots.

Flashback Ursula and Cruella are being the whiniest guards in the history of nest guarding when Snow White knocks them out with a little pixie dust.

Snow White and David find the nest and the egg and are about to take the egg when the nest turns out to be Maleficent the Dragon’s tail. The dragon is like, “Um, hi, yeah that’s my baby,” but they take the egg and run anyway. Maleficent knows she can’t turn them into hero-kabobs without hurting the baby so she turns back into a human and asks why they’re doing this to her. Snow White says the child will be a monster like her, and Maleficent goes, “I’m sorry, but I do believe I was the one in my own cave minding my own business with my own egg when you came here wanting to steal my unborn child.” She begs them not to take her baby.

Snow White promises she’ll bring the egg back, she just needs to give it a…vaccination! Yeah, that’s it! A vaccination against goodness. Snow White runs off, crushing the rattle beneath her foot, and Maleficent cries, helpless.

Present-day Mary Margaret and David find Henry, and he tells them that he gave them the forged page because he understood his mother’s hints. He tells his grandparents about the key but David yells and says it’s too dangerous and takes the key and the page from his grandson.

The Queens of Darkness give Gold the page but Gold knows instantly that it’s a fake and knows that Regina would have known it, too. He knew it was a matter of time before she defied him, so he has Maleficent knock her out and bring Regina to her vault.

Back in the past, in the Infinite Forest, Snow White gives the sorcerer’s apprentice the egg and he transfers her baby’s darkness into it. Oh and by the way, fine print of the spell indicates that this being will now be far too dark and powerful for this realm, and also will probably be pissed that you stole it from it’s mummy, so he’s sending it to a realm where it can’t hurt anyone. A portal opens and a tiny baby hand pokes out of the egg and somehow this is unfathomable to Snow White and she regrets every decision she’s ever made that lead her up to this point in time. They try to save the baby from falling into the portal, but Cruella and Ursula show up to demand to know what’s going on, so the two women and the baby all fall into the portal, to a land without magic.

The sorcerer says Snow White’s child is now pure of intent but the two of them must still guide their child to keep it in the light. So basically, nothing is different. And they banished a baby, a sea witch, and a puppy killer to another realm for no reason. Snow White immediately realizes they have made a terrible mistake.

Present-day David is ready to burn the page, but Mary Margaret is fed up with all the lies. And besides, how is Regina going to end up with Emma if they burn the author? Also that’s kind of murder? (Just kidding she didn’t say that last part because she doesn’t care that the author is likely a person with a soul.) Mary Margaret knows now that her heart was dark long before she killed Cora. She says they have to tell Emma the truth because that’s what’s right.

Emma does not love this truth. She hates being lied to more than pretty much anything in the whole world, and that’s what they’ve been doing lately, in abundance. Emma needs some time to clear her head, and when Mary Margaret stops her and says she’s her mother, Emma echoes the vision Snow White saw and says, “I don’t care.”

Flashback to Snow White having a meltdown about a unicorn mobile because it reminds her of the terrible decisions she just made. David tries to make her feel better by suggesting that maybe Maleficent deserves it but that’s not his decision to make. But I guess whatever helps you sleep at night, kid. Snow White says what they did was selfish and now they can’t fix it. But David believes they can redeem themselves, and they vow to be as disgustingly hopeful and sweet and positive no matter what. And that’s how the brave and daring Snow White and Prince Charming starting down the road that would turn them into the fuddy duddies that are Mary Margaret and Just David.

Maleficent asks Gold to fulfill his end of the bargain, but he says she didn’t really do much for him at all, since he doesn’t have the page, but she convinces him to show her what her child’s fate was. He shows her a vision of 30 years ago, where a baby girl cries and is adopted by a man who names her Lilith. Because, of course, Maleficent’s daughter is Emma’s old friend Lily.

Maleficent is so ecstatic her child is alive and is determined to find her.

Team Charming gathers around August to ask about the door and the key. Emma’s ready to open the door and ask the Author some questions (like when can Regina and I get started on our happy ending) but August has some important information they should know first. “The Author” isn’t a person, but a job. Like “The Librarian.” This trapped Author is just the most recent one, and he’s trapped there as punishment for taking things into his own hands. He started manipulating instead of just recording.

Emma is like, “Yeah sure he’s crazy and all-powerful, whatever let’s do this,” because after all, she’s a Charming by blood, and uses the tiny key to open the tiny paper door. And out pops the peddler. Emma immediately tells him they have questions.

But instead of sticking around, he knocks over a curtain and runs for his life. Emma tries to run after him, but loses him in the town square. (Too bad they don’t have Ruby around to track him…)

So now they have a person who can bend fate at will running loose in Storybrooke. Just another weekend, I guess.

What did you think of Best Laid Plans?

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button