“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.18): Is “Closer to Fine” on that mix tape?

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A woman is tied to a bed and screaming for help. And then a masked man swoops in and… hold up, is this some weird sex thing? This is some weird sex thing, isn’t it? Thanks, 50 Shades of Grey, for making straight people’s private lives that much more unsavory for us. I mean, they can do what they want in their homes, but I don’t want to have to see it on my TV. SEE, SEE HOW THAT FEELS, WORLD? Right, moving on.

Jane is at Maura’s place pouring herself a cup of coffee in the morning. A beard breakup definitely deserves an overnight stay. Those are just the rules of (closeted) lesbianism. She’s also suggesting things to cheer Maura up. She’s even willing to go to the movie without words that only uses facial expression and movement. This is serious, Jane is going to sit through a film that was reviewed as “transcendent” and “evocative” by critics. You know, the same movie that last week she called “boring” and “boring.”

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But Maura will not be consoled. She tells Jane to go on her own and interpretive dance her thoughts about the movie to her afterwards, basically. There’s just nothing that sounds good to Maura. Not a hike. Not the Gardner museum. Not a stroll on the promenade like French people. Maura laughs in spite of herself. It’s undeniably cute when your girlfriend tries to find the one perfect activity to make you happy. Though, come on Jane, we all know what that activity is. Look where Maura’s looking, sweetie. The eyes show all.

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But that will have to wait because a delightful murrrder calls. Jane’s phone rings followed by Maura’s for our tandem title-sequence phone greetings of “Rizzoli” and “Isles.” I meant it about that supercut, has anyone made it yet?

Maura is momentarily comforted by the distraction of death, but then remembers it’s a death so Jane woman-handles her off the couch and out the door. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick your girlfriend up and carry her out of her funk yourself. Or just have sex. Hey, sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. Amirite, ladies?

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On the way to the crime scene Jane and Maura bicker over the hotel’s name, Silphium Suites. It’s named after a heart-shaped plant that the ancient Romans used as birth control but is now extinct. I’m with Jane, that is a weird hotel name even if it does conjure up images of naked orgies.  Hey, I can think of something else that rolls off the tongue instead. Amirite, ladies?

Fine, I’ll give it a rest. I’m turned off the concept anyway after seeing the mess the straight couple made of the act. Dead partially naked, cape-wearing husband. Passed out partially naked, handcuffed wife. Celibacy suddenly doesn’t sound so bad, eh?

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Jane and Korsak argue about the powers of Batman vs. Superman. Korsak patiently explains that Batman does not fly. But then Jane questions why Superman does. Basically, this entire conversation will make a comic-book nerd’s head explode.

Back at the station, Nina teaches the boys about proper bondage play and optimum key placement. All that and she has impeccable vest game. Why is this lady still single, again?

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Jane walks into the autopsy room inquiring about Kryptonite. Susie exasperatedly says the victim clearly wasn’t dressed as Superman. If you had Susie as the comic nerd in the office pool, it’s time to collect. Maura tells her to never mind Jane’s baiting. Someone is talking from experience.

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