Hey, remember when I was all, “Wouldn’t it be great if Rizzoli & Isles crossed over with Finding Nemo?“ And we laughed and cried because it could never really happen because how could it? It would be too perfect. Well, BOOM. Maura is Nemo and I can die a happy fangirl. By the way, I claim full credit for this. I made it happen with my mind — my mind, I tell you.
Right, sorry, I should go back. Maura is Googling “Jane and Maura” fanfic in her office alone. Please, you know she does that when Jane is being extra closety. She is disturbed by the sounds of rustling in the autopsy room. No, it’s not body snatchers or Cinderella’s magic mice (sorry, I’ve been seeing that trailer a lot and they’re on my mind). It’s her friends and loved ones and also Prof. Jack Beard. Boo, the beard is back.
The gang has assembled to surprise Maura with cake and a plaque and champagne and the reemergence of her beard. I know, we all thought she’d shaved that thing what with the total lack of sightings of him and/or acknowledgment of his existence.
Maura has been elected the president of the New England Medical Officers and they’re celebrating. Jane looks over at Prof. Jack Beard like, “Damn, I know I signed on for this beard stuff, but damn if it isn’t hard to watch them pretend.” Still, the serious “Proud Girlfriend” eyes she gives Maura are even stronger. Her lady is the first forensic pathologist to be voted the head of a statewide medical ethics committee, so she has reason to beam.
But then Maura mentions her new position in “NEMO” and Jane is all, hold up. Pixar says what? Maura of course assumes her girlfriend is talking about “the vengeful submarine captain with a bitter hatred for British imperialism.” But, of course, Jane Clementine Rizzoli meant the little striped clown fish with “the tiny, tiny fin.” You just know Jane secretly watched Finding Nemo after a particularly hard day at work, you just know it.
They cheers Maura’s NEMO status regardless and then Prof. Jack Beard downs his flute of champagne in one huge gulp. Jane notices, of course, because she notices the behavior of everyone and anyone near Maura instinctively.
Now the way he guzzled his champagne makes me nervous. Don’t get any funny ideas, fella. Any funny ideas that involve getting on one knee and offering someone an expensive piece of jewelery. It makes Jane nervous, too, because she mentions it to him and he blows it off by pretending he just loves the cheap Ballatore Mama Rizzoli brought to the party. Seriously, no one would spring for Veuve Clicquot for Maura?
Maura didn’t notice, because she can barely be bothered to remember her beards exist, and instead busies herself with finding something to cut the cake with. She suggests scalpels because they’re clean, but Jane refuses to be served with autopsy tools. I’m on Team Jane with this one. There’s not enough clean in the world to make that right.
But then Jane’s cell goes off and it’s cakeus interruptus. So the party’s over, but Senior Criminalist Susie Chang promises Jane the cake won’t get saved in the morgue fridge. We all know how Jane feels about food from the Dead Fridge. She gives Susie the, “I’ll be watching you” evil-eye sign and leaves. But then Susie confesses to Mama R that the cake will only fit in the Dead Fridge. Being the girlfriend of the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts means suspending your disbelief about where food, tools and body parts have been a lot.
Jane and Maura arrive at the scene of the road rage shooting victim. He was shot while arguing over a parking spot, but not by the other driver it seems. Instead it was a long-range shot which means we’re chasing a sniper. I was wondering when Rizzoli & Isles would have a sniper. It’s a crime procedural staple episode.
But on the way over, Jane wouldn’t stop ribbing Maura about her Captain Nemo status. When that’s nixed as a nickname she opts for Captain Morgan. And then she launches into the cutest, corniest pirate jokes ever that even Maura has to laugh in spite of herself. From there on the rest of the episode is just gratuitous puns about Maura’s booty. Sorry, that’s how it played out in my head.
Jane asks Maura about Prof. Jack Beard acting weird earlier. Maura says she didn’t notice because, again, beards are not her priority. Instead she is focused on thanking Jane because she “couldn’t do this work without you.” You can tell a lot about a person by how much she ignores her so-called boyfriend. And by “you can tell a lot,” I mean “boy, is she gay.”
Back on the case Jane and Korsak role-play the shooting in the middle of the street. Hey, a gal has to keep busy when Maura is doing autopsies. They notice sniper streamers and track them to a hidden nest up a nearby tree. I like that once they’ve determined it’s a sniper they make everyone put on their bulletproof vests. Granted, their big ol’ noggins are still exposed but still. Guess they didn’t want to cover up the Ponytail of Righteous Justice. I concur.
The K-9s lead them to a homeless person’s camp where they find evidence and Jane gives the pup a well-deserved atta boy. Still no word on where Jo Friday is though. But by the cute way Jane interacts with this canine cop, you can be sure she misses him.
Meanwhile, Prof. Jack Beard shows up unannounced at Maura’s office. He apologizes for landing a much better job on Agent Carter and leaves. Hey, I can’t help it if I read between the lines. Fine, he explains that his ex-wife has landed a job with NASA in Albuquerque. So if he wants to see his daughter he’ll have to possibly move. But he promises to “work something out” which Maura totally reads as “more alone time with Jane,” hence the smile.
Another sniper shooting sends Jane and the team back into the park. This victim survived, but they find someone lurking in the nearby bushes. A chase ensues before cops catch the guy. I have to say I enjoy how many foot chases the show uses. Sure, it’s probably a budget thing because car chases are expensive. But I also think they’re more fun and less over done. And that’s the end of my police show production values discussion, I promise.
The suspect attempts to take a chunk out of Korsak once he is apprehended which is new for everyone. Once in the interview room he continues to act like a rabid dog. Jane tells Maura they’re calling him “McGruff” because they can’t get his actual name. I like how Maura knows the crime dog, but not the fish Nemo. Clearly, anything even peripherally associated with Jane’s work, Maura knows.
Maura has a theory about the suspect that can only be tested by a cheeseburger. She brings dog boy one and he devours it like immediately. So she slowly begins both sympathizing with him and asking him questions. He tells her a hunter hurt him, and also he is a werewolf. But, not really, because this isn’t Lost Girl and he isn’t Dyson. He just thinks he is Dyson.
Maura diagnoses him with the condition of clinical lycanthropy. Jane looks at her incredulously and then blurts, “Do I need a tattoo on my forehead that says, ‘What does that mean, Maura?'” Jane, honey, I know — dating women is tough. The trick is learning how to read the signs and gauge her emotions instinctively.
Maura explains he may have a very rare case of split personality schizophrenia where he thinks he is a wolf. Jane then shows her her “shocked” face, which Maura naturally mistakes for her “I smell pickles” face. Yep, knowing what all your girlfriend’s faces look like is pretty much Lesbian Couplehood 101.
Prof. Jack Beard arrives again at Maura’s office. Jesus, nothing is worse than a needy beard. He tells her he has a plan for this torn-between-two-states situation. He also says some stuff about being a man and his gender, but I’m a lesbian so automatically that sort of stuff just gets tuned out in my brain. He says he was offered both full-time and adjunct teaching positions at New Mexico University. He prefers the latter because it means he can see his daughter and Maura. But Maura’s like, eh, you’ve been a good beard but that seems like a lot of work — in so many words.
Maura’s cell goes off and it ends their discussion immediately. It’s Jane and, as the saying goes, ovaries before beardvaries. The saying may need some work. But it’s admirable how much Maura dropped him like a hot potato the second her girlfriend called.
Granted, I’m not saying their communication is perfect. Jane swaggers in to see Maura, but is annoyed because she didn’t come up to see her. Maura missed her texts about interviewing McGruff and the subsequent dirty texts complete with entirely inappropriate emoticons. OMG, do you think they’ve downloaded the Lesbian Emojis app?
If so, I bet those last few texts were like, “Nail Clipper. Tegan and Sara CD. Fish Taco. Pack of Parliaments. U-Haul. Unicorn.”
Jane wants help to keep McGruff from going all Wolfnado on them. Maura suggests petting his head and giving him a biscuit — metaphorically. Instead she feeds him full of cheeseburgers and bandages his paw. He was just trying to be a good crime dog and stop the hunter from hurting someone else.
Maura checks McGruff into the hospital for tests because she thinks a tumor is causing him to howl at the moon. Of course this means he’ll need extra protection because if the sniper finds out he is there, he’ll Old Yeller him for sure. But before they can start, he wolfs out again because he spots the Hunter.
Maura figures out what’s going on and calls Jane immediately. Then she grabs a scalpel and runs after him. Let me repeat that, Maura runs after a murderer with a scalpel. It’s equal parts incredibly dangerous and badass. I can’t decide if I’m more worried for her safety or more excited about her kickassery.
So now we have another foot chase and I keep screaming, “Stop, Maura!” and “Get him, Maura!” intermittently. Jane has arrived too because when Maura’s in trouble, she is guaranteed to be there like Lassie and the well. Maura follows him into a stairwell where he grabs her by the throat from behind. Hey, remember how Maura wanted to cut the cake with a scalpel? Well, she got to cut something after all.
She plunges the blade into his thigh, he lets go and then she continues to chase him. OK, now I’m just yelling, “Stop, Maura!” at my screen because this is getting nuts. Luckily, Jane is there and body checks the dude to the floor.
Maura runs up and Jane immediately checks on her to make sure she’s OK. Then, when she realizes her girlfriend stabbed him with the scalpel tells Maura, “Remind me not to piss you off.” Yep, just our ladies flirting over a captured suspect. If it works for dead bodies, why not the living too?
So, the killer was from a rich family and he was pissed when the second victim fired him. So he killed another person to hide his crime. So, excellent, another entitled rich white man undone by the resilience of the werewolf — and hot lesbian crime fighters.
So now we find one of our heroines alone on a park bench. She is waiting for Prof. Jack Beard and thinking about human cell division. Never change, Dr. Maura Isles, never change. I’ll spare you the molecular details, but Maura decides that having a long-distance beard is unworkable. Sure, he’ll be gone a lot. But then also, what’s the point? Isn’t it time they stop this whole charade anyway? So, I think what she’s saying is, “Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more!”
After yet another beard breakup, Maura seeks comfort with Jane at the Dirty Robber. Mama R drops by with a bottle of red wine because she has seen her share of these faux relationships end and knows what the ladies need is wine and each other.
Jane comforts Maura by saying she always puts other people before herself. Like how she puts Jane’s need to be closeted over Maura’s need to be in an open relationship (I’ve always assumed Jane is the stumbling block when it comes to coming out, haven’t you?).
Maura tells her being a grown up sucks. Jane agrees and then proceeds to act like a goofball while opening the wine bottle (really, Mama R, screw-top wine?) She pours them both extra large glasses of red, because when your girlfriend is sad you drink what she drinks instead of beer, and then they toast. Cheers to this being the last beard either of them ever has. Clink.
Before we get into the #Gayzzoli tweets of the week, here is a public service announcement from Rizzoli & Isles showrunner Jan Nash. Psst, Jan, #Gayzzoli has two “Z”s.
Remember to use the #RizzoliandIsles, even if you only #gayzolli
– Jan Nash (@JanNash100) March 18, 2015
And now your #Gayzzoli tweets for Episode 517. You had a lot of feelings about Jack, naturally.
Beard shows up for finale. Beard dies/is murderer? One can hope. #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– Tabatha (@DanceUponMyToes) March 18, 2015
Jane Clementine Rizzoli! One does not joke about Dr. Isles’ booty #gayzzoli
– Jenny (@iFlipForRizzles) March 18, 2015
All I’ve seen in this episode so far are multiple instances of EXTREME heart eyes between Jane and Maura. #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– That One Person (@thebronzey) March 18, 2015
#Gayzzoli The only tattoo Jane needs is on her Ass and it should say property of Maura Isles MD…
– Jonta Davis (@jonidavell) March 18, 2015
And of course Maura knows all of Jane’s special faces #gayzzoli #Rizzles #RizzoliandIsles
– R&I Bruins Fan (@RIBruinsabc321) March 18, 2015
I don’t want to lose you. You’re the best beard I’ve ever had! #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli
– Eleonora (@_LaEle_) March 18, 2015
And the fandom rejoices!!!!!! #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli #Rizzles
– Bee ITS whY (@badmansworld) March 18, 2015
BYE JACK MAYBE JANE & MAURA WILL SEND YOU AN INVITE TO THEIR WEDDING #RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli
– mrs shermz (@shanoodlebop) March 18, 2015
Jane. We have all seen Shameless. You are doing this WRONG! #RizzoliandIsles #rizzles #gayzzoli
– Bethany Danielle (@TnDani) March 18, 2015
So they have too much wine and wake up next to each other in part 2 right? #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– Jessie (@DrkRaven0905) March 18, 2015
*obligatory tweet about how gay this show is* #Gayzzoli#RizzoliandIsles
– Catherine (@CMeushaw) March 18, 2015
More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.
