“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.17): Hit the road, Jack

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Hey, remember when I was all, “Wouldn’t it be great if Rizzoli & Isles crossed over with Finding Nemo? And we laughed and cried because it could never really happen because how could it? It would be too perfect. Well, BOOM. Maura is Nemo and I can die a happy fangirl. By the way, I claim full credit for this. I made it happen with my mind – my mind, I tell you.

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Right, sorry, I should go back. Maura is Googling “Jane and Maura” fanfic in her office alone. Please, you know she does that when Jane is being extra closety. She is disturbed by the sounds of rustling in the autopsy room. No, it’s not body snatchers or Cinderella’s magic mice (sorry, I’ve been seeing that trailer a lot and they’re on my mind). It’s her friends and loved ones and also Prof. Jack Beard. Boo, the beard is back.

The gang has assembled to surprise Maura with cake and a plaque and champagne and the reemergence of her beard. I know, we all thought she’d shaved that thing what with the total lack of sightings of him and/or acknowledgment of his existence.

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Maura has been elected the president of the New England Medical Officers and they’re celebrating. Jane looks over at Prof. Jack Beard like, “Damn, I know I signed on for this beard stuff, but damn if it isn’t hard to watch them pretend.” Still, the serious “Proud Girlfriend” eyes she gives Maura are even stronger. Her lady is the first forensic pathologist to be voted the head of a statewide medical ethics committee, so she has reason to beam.

But then Maura mentions her new position in “NEMO” and Jane is all, hold up. Pixar says what? Maura of course assumes her girlfriend is talking about “the vengeful submarine captain with a bitter hatred for British imperialism.” But, of course, Jane Clementine Rizzoli meant the little striped clown fish with “the tiny, tiny fin.” You just know Jane secretly watched Finding Nemo after a particularly hard day at work, you just know it.

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They cheers Maura’s NEMO status regardless and then Prof. Jack Beard downs his flute of champagne in one huge gulp. Jane notices, of course, because she notices the behavior of everyone and anyone near Maura instinctively.

Now the way he guzzled his champagne makes me nervous. Don’t get any funny ideas, fella. Any funny ideas that involve getting on one knee and offering someone an expensive piece of jewelery. It makes Jane nervous, too, because she mentions it to him and he blows it off by pretending he just loves the cheap Ballatore Mama Rizzoli brought to the party. Seriously, no one would spring for Veuve Clicquot for Maura?

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Maura didn’t notice, because she can barely be bothered to remember her beards exist, and instead busies herself with finding something to cut the cake with. She suggests scalpels because they’re clean, but Jane refuses to be served with autopsy tools. I’m on Team Jane with this one. There’s not enough clean in the world to make that right.

But then Jane’s cell goes off and it’s cakeus interruptus. So the party’s over, but Senior Criminalist Susie Chang promises Jane the cake won’t get saved in the morgue fridge. We all know how Jane feels about food from the Dead Fridge. She gives Susie the, “I’ll be watching you” evil-eye sign and leaves. But then Susie confesses to Mama R that the cake will only fit in the Dead Fridge. Being the girlfriend of the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts means suspending your disbelief about where food, tools and body parts have been a lot.

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Jane and Maura arrive at the scene of the road rage shooting victim. He was shot while arguing over a parking spot, but not by the other driver it seems. Instead it was a long-range shot which means we’re chasing a sniper. I was wondering when Rizzoli & Isles would have a sniper. It’s a crime procedural staple episode.

But on the way over, Jane wouldn’t stop ribbing Maura about her Captain Nemo status. When that’s nixed as a nickname she opts for Captain Morgan. And then she launches into the cutest, corniest pirate jokes ever that even Maura has to laugh in spite of herself. From there on the rest of the episode is just gratuitous puns about Maura’s booty. Sorry, that’s how it played out in my head.

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Jane asks Maura about Prof. Jack Beard acting weird earlier. Maura says she didn’t notice because, again, beards are not her priority. Instead she is focused on thanking Jane because she “couldn’t do this work without you.” You can tell a lot about a person by how much she ignores her so-called boyfriend. And by “you can tell a lot,” I mean “boy, is she gay.”

Back on the case Jane and Korsak role-play the shooting in the middle of the street. Hey, a gal has to keep busy when Maura is doing autopsies. They notice sniper streamers and track them to a hidden nest up a nearby tree. I like that once they’ve determined it’s a sniper they make everyone put on their bulletproof vests. Granted, their big ol’ noggins are still exposed but still. Guess they didn’t want to cover up the Ponytail of Righteous Justice. I concur.

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The K-9s lead them to a homeless person’s camp where they find evidence and Jane gives the pup a well-deserved atta boy. Still no word on where Jo Friday is though. But by the cute way Jane interacts with this canine cop, you can be sure she misses him.

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