Last week, Season 2 of Newlyweds: The First Year debuted with four couples getting married, including our favorite duo, Laura and Sam, the sorority sweethearts turned wives. After a beautiful and exciting wedding last week, I’m sad to report that Laura and Sam have absolutely nothing going on in episode two, which confirms my biggest fear that as soon as lesbians get married, their lives becomes painfully boring. While the other couples on Newlyweds take off on extravagant honeymoons, where they zip line in Hawaii or rub sunscreen on each other in Australia, Sam and Laura are resigned to feeding their dogs, opening mail, putting on some makeup, and fighting with their family at a barbecue.
Back in their NYC apartment, Sam and Laura open thank you notes from the wedding and talk about their new last name. Laura and Sam were both born with embarrassing last names—Laura’s is Semen and Sam’s is Getlick. Their friends had been jokingly combining their names into GetSemen or SemenLick, because clearly they have the world’s nicest friends. Instead of dealing with these pranks forever, the newlywed couple took Sam’s middle name, Abby, as their new last name. They even had a wooden plaque engraved, so you know it’s official!
My biggest concern is that now Sam has no middle name, which I find tragic. This serious issue is never addressed in the show, and personally, I am panicking for Sam and losing sleep. I hope she invented a new middle name for herself, because otherwise her monogrammed towels are just going to look weird. Listen, I’m not judging her, but she does seem like the type to have monogrammed towels. Doesn’t she? Again, no judgment. Both of these women look cleaner at all times than I ever have.
The highlight of this at-home scene is that we get a glimpse of the Abby family dogs, two little pups who are clearly not rescue dogs (no judgment—okay, this time I’m lying). Sadly, we don’t even get to see the dogs from the front side, which is my biggest disappointment so far of the episode. We also don’t learn their names, or get to watch them for the entire hour, which would obviously be the best way to film this show.
The charming at home scene concludes with a typical married-couple ritual in which one wife spray paints the other wife with dangerous chemicals that make her look tan. Yes, Sam helps Laura out by giving her face a spray tan. Man, what I wouldn’t give for a little help from my girlfriend with my makeup. I guess I’ll have to marry her to get that level of commitment.