“The Returned” recap (1.2): Hello, Officer

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Previously on The Returned, a few dead people from the same town started coming back to life as though no time had passed at all. Instead of collecting shotguns and locking the probably-zombies up for observation, everyone else in town was basically like, “Oh, you guys are back. That’s cool.” Also, about a million characters were introduced and I’m not 100% sure I remember all of them.

We start out six years ago, Simon is the guitarist in a local band and he and Rowan are totally in heart-eyes with each other. You can tell Simon is a very sensitive guy, because he wrote Rowan a song and then got embarrassed when the lead singer told the crowd about it. The singer (who, by the way, is wearing a fedora just FYI) also tells the crowd that Simon and Rowan are getting married tomorrow! Much excitement! Very party!

Jack (aka Jacob from Lost) is at the bar with his daughters, playing pool with Camille (his favorite) and yelling at Lena (his non-favorite) for playing around on the drums. Simon totally cements his dreamboat-sensitive-guy status by telling Jack that it’s okay, and offering to show Lena how to play. Rowan watches this go down and snaps a pic of them because her ovaries are basically exploding due to Simon’s adorableness.

It’s the morning of their wedding, and Simon and Rowan are in bed together making out. Simon’s trying to get laid just one last time before being married, but Rowan is like, “Nope, it’s against tradition! And, also, I’m pregnant!” Simon is stunned, but manages to nod that he’s happy just before a single tear slips down his face a la Sinead O’Connor.

photo1Not the best reaction, tbh

Later, Rowan is waiting for Simon in the church. She’s convinced that he’s just late to their wedding because he’s a sensitive guitarist who is always late. Some cops show up at the church, though, and Rowan realizes something is very wrong.

Present day, Rowan is back in the same church with the same pastor, but this time she’s getting ready to marry that cop who, six years ago, broke the news that her first fiance was dead. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, Rowan. Her new (and totally alive) fiance has to leave because he is a very important sheriff (I think) and a woman was found stabbed. I’m guessing it’s Lucy, so it looks like she didn’t get stabbed all the way to death—just most of the way. Four for you, Lucy! You go, Lucy!

Meanwhile, Rowan’s daughter is down in the creepy church basement bathroom, and the sink starts filling with blood. What is this, Sunnydale High?! I honestly cannot fathom why this little girl does not go screaming upstairs to tell her mom, but there you have it.

Julie is over at the police station trying to figure out if anyone has filed a missing person’s report for “Victor.” She tells one of the cops a pretty bogus-sounding story about just seeing a little boy, but definitely not weirdly bringing him home. The cop is like, “Uh, lady, I’m’a need to take a statement from you probably.” She follows him and sees the lady cop that was on the phone with Rowan’s new fiance earlier. They make eyes at each other like they used to do naked things together, but are not currently engaging in any naked activities.

photo2“I hate it when you leave, but I love to watch you go.”

Back at the twins’ house, Lena continues to be basically the only person in town to have the proper reaction to the returned: fear and suspicion. She calls her parents out on pretending that things are normal / serving all you can eat pancakes to Camille. Camille tries to insist that she is alive and real, but Lena storms out of the house. Jack follows her and tries to get her to cool her jets, but her jets will not be cooled. Jack grabs Lena’s arm and she asks if he’s going to hit her again, but he says nothing and Lena leaves.

Julie gets back to her house and tries to communicate with Victor, but, again, he doesn’t say anything—he just hugs her. He’s really creepy and I want her to bring him back to the bus stop where she first found him. (In fact, it was around this time that I started singing “Put That Thing Back Where it Came From or So Help Me.”)

photo3SO HELP ME!

Rowan is having a lot of feelings about getting married to Tommy (the cop), because she thinks he’s too good for her. The priest tells her to make peace with her ghosts, which is rich considering that Simon isn’t even a ghost anymore. But speaking of Simon, he’s over at the Dog Star chowing down on a burger. Okay, I get it, show—all the returned people are hungry all the time. Any minute now, one of them will be moving on to eating brains, probably. Because zombies.

Julie is taking Victor out of her apartment when the same busybody neighbor from the last episode bombards them in the hall again. She wants to know all about Victor and how long he’s staying, but Julie avoids most of her questions. The neighbor also wants to gossip with Julie about the old guy that killed himself, because wasn’t he a patient of hers after all? Julie hadn’t heard the news, and she is clearly shocked.

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