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“Once Upon A Time” recap (4.14): Dracarys

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Ursula and Cruella came to Storybrooke on a mission lead by Gold to bring Maleficent back, Emma brought Regina a root beer, and Mary Margaret and David had an orgy with the Evil Trio in the woods-or something else that they really, really, really, really, don’t want Emma to find out about.

Mary Margaret wakes up and David is nowhere to be found. Worried, she goes to check on the baby, when Maleficent, Cruella and Ursula appear. Maleficent poofs baby Neal into her arms and starts a villainous but vague soliloquy about what Mary Margaret did to her, and about what she’d do to her family as vengeance.

At the height of her panic, Mary Margaret wakes up for real, but David still isn’t in the bed beside her. She scrambles out of bed to see if she’s in some endless nightmare loop but this time David is sitting on the stairs. He too can’t stop dwelling on the ominous “what they did” and says they have to get Cruella and Ursula out of Storybrooke before they can spill their not-so-charming secret.

Flash back to the Enchanted Forest, where Snow White and David return to their castle after their honeymoon to find their guards under a sleeping curse. They immediately jump to blame Regina, but the Queens of Darkness turn up to take credit. But they’re not here to fight, they’re here to make a deal.

At present-day Granny’s, Ursula and Cruella are trying to order a drink, but aren’t exactly getting stellar service. It could be because she’s short staffed (Ruuuuuuubyyyyyyy), but also it’s because Granny isn’t shy about hating them. Cruella starts mentally designing a wolfskin coat when Regina walks in. The ask her to use her infamous heart-ripping move to help and start to reminisce about when that was her favorite weekend activity. Regina bristles and sends Henry away, warning them that if they ever bring up her Evil Queen days in front of her son again, she’ll be sure they met the fates their respective Disney movies assigned them, or worse.

Mary Margaret and David run up to Regina, positively tweaking out about Cruella and Ursula, but Regina knows their powers are no match for hers, and when David suggests keeping an eye on them, informs him that sounds like a job for the local law enforcement, not the mayor.

David frantically runs out of the diner and grabs Emma, saying they need to trail the two newcomers. And they do-all the way to Gold’s shop. But they aren’t exactly welcomed there with open arms, either.

Cruella and Ursula distract Belle with chitchat while one of Ursula’s disturbingly long tentacles slinks into the back room and steals a little wooden box. Cruella texts Gold to say they got what they came for, and Gold tells Maleficent’s cave that it gets great cell reception, and that the dragon will wake before long.

Regina brings Henry some donuts for his Author research and notices that some of the pages in his storybook are different from the rest. He explains that it’s because August added his own story for Emma, and Regina gets a wild gleam in her eye and says maybe Pinocchio can help.

Emma and David are on a stakeout and Emma asks him why he’s being so damn jumpy and choosing this singular occasion to not be willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt. He says “WHAT SECRET? I DON’T HAVE A SECRET!” and tries to shift focus back to what Cruella and Ursula were doing in Gold’s shop. They call Belle and find out that a small wooden box, that she had never noticed before and has no idea of what’s inside, is definitely for sure missing. David immediately pulls Cruella over.

David searches the car and finds enough parking tickets to wallpaper a house and the box in a hidden drawer. Inside is a small glass globe that is just Maleficent’s style. David pockets the globe and tells Emma they’re clean, so Emma says they’ll check the store’s security footage to find out about the box and send the duo on their way.

David immediately runs to Mary Margaret and tells her about the globe, and she too recognizes it as Maleficent-esque. They’re afraid Cruella and Ursula are about to resurrect their old nemesis so they scurry off to make sure her remains have been properly disposed of.

Flashback to the Enchanted Forest, where Maleficent warns Snow White about the dark curse Regina is planning. She tells them they need to go to the Tree of Wisdom that will answer any question but conveniently needs exactly two “valiant heroes” to activate it. David and Snow White don’t exactly trust the wicked women, but don’t see any other option. They set on their way until they get to a bridge whose guards won’t let even the heroes cross.

But Maleficent solves that problem right quick by turning into a dragon and making a bridge guard flambĂ©, much to the Charmings’ chagrin.

In present-day Storybrooke, Emma finds her parents being jumpier and shadier than ever and demands to know if they had been licking any mushrooms lately. They’re all, “We changed our minds, we totally accept Ursula and Cruella into our hearts, hell Cruella is Neal’s Godmother now, gotta go bye.”

Across town, in the mayor’s office, Regina is interrogating poor little Pinocchio like he’s the suspect in a crime. She had apparently called Emma for reinforcement and is extremely relieved when she arrives.

Regina hopes that seeing Emma will jog Pinocchio’s memory so Emma sits next to him and tries to remind him of when he was older, when he added to the book, but the poor kid has no idea what any of these pretty ladies are talking about. Desperation turns to anger and Regina’s eyes practically flash red, leading her to start yelling at the ex-puppet.

Gepetto has seen about all that he can stand and ushers his boy out of the office, telling Regina that maybe she doesn’t deserve a happy ending, and recommending she look at her life, look at her choices.

Back in time, the evil trio wakes up from their (shared) tent in the Enchanted Forest to find the Charmings have up and run away. The Two Idiots find the tree and shove their hands into the hand-shaped carvings, making the tree glow, and ask it how to stop the Evil Queen’s curse. The tree throws them back a few feet in response. The queens of darkness show up and think it’s quite hilarious that the “good guys” they found weren’t the heroes they thought they were.

Present-day Mary Margaret and David, proving they are still very much the Two Idiots, run to Maleficent’s cave and find the remains and immediately start their victory dance. But before they can pop some champagne, Cruella and Ursula show up, and the sea witch tentacle whips them out cold.

Regina goes to see Gepetto and when he tries to send her away she demands he shut up and let her apologize. She decided to try out this thing she heard about called “empathy” and realized that if someone had spoken to Henry the way she spoke to Pinocchio, she would have reached back in time and made it so that person never existed. She loses sight of the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes is all, and in the dark it’s easy to forget she’s not the evil queen she used to be. But she’s trying to be better. With a tear in her eye, she says simply, “I’m sorry.”

Moved by this confession, and by her humanity, Gepetto gives Regina a bag that used to belong to August when he was full grown and wishes her luck, showing her that you get more bees with honey than dark magic.

The flashback Charmings and those with Evil Cleavage try to figure out why the Tree of Wisdom didn’t work.

Cruella thinks maybe they got the rules wrong but Maleficent realizes that Snow White is pregnant. She tells Snow White that her child has the potential for good, but also the potential for great darkness. So basically, just like every single child.

Present-day Cruella uses a knife to slice open Mary Margaret and David’s hands, and announces that the trinket from Gold’s shop was a trap they knew the simple-minded duo would fall for and that all Maleficent really needed to rise again was the blood of those who wronged her, which is the Charmings, for that one terrible and mysterious thing they did that one time and we’re only hearing about now.

Maleficent’s ashes turn into a dragon and then the dragon turns into a cloud of smoke and from the smoke, Maleficent emerges, good as new. Bad as new? Before she can say “Surprise, bitch,” Mary Margaret and David try to explain, but she gives absolutely no fucks about what they have to say. She plans on bringing them eternal pain and suffering. Ursula and Cruella are giddy about the return of the third point in their Bermuda triangle. They run off to have a threesome probably and Mary Margaret and David decide to tell Emma everything.

But this good idea lives for about three minutes before it withers and dies in the hands of incompetence. They overhear Emma telling Hook that her parents are the best and would never ever lie to her because if they did she would definitely immediately become supremely evil, so while they do end up telling their daughter that Maleficent has been resurrected, they blame it on that age old war between Good and Evil instead of admitting that Maleficent actually has a legitimate reason to want to make Idiot Stew.

Flashback Snow White wakes up and finds Maleficent looming over her bed, and confides that she too is about to be a mother, which is the only reason she cares about Regina’s curse at all. She asks for Snow White’s help, mother to mother, but Snow White says she will not succumb to darkness; she’ll win, but she’ll win her way, she won’t become like Maleficent. Which is ironic, since she’s doing just what a villain would do and denying someone help for her own well-being. Just saying.

Present-day Mary Margaret meets Regina in the dead of night to tell her that Maleficent is back. Regina literally calls Ursula and Cruella “Fish Sticks” and “Pound Puppy” because you can take the villain out of the girl but try to remove the snark and you’ll get your hand cut off. Mary Margaret says that once Regina asked her to keep a secret and she failed so hard she literally created one of the evilest villains her world had ever seen, but maybe Regina could do her a solid anyway. She asks Regina to go undercover as a villain for her. Which feels a little like asking an alcoholic to go undercover as a drunk. Mary Margaret confesses that Emma was born with the potential for great darkness, but Regina says she’s seen inside Emma’s soul and all she has ever seen is light.

But Mary Margaret and David did terrible things to ensure her goodness, things that would turn Emma dark on the turn of a dime if she found out, because once you see the worst parts of the person you love, you never see them quite the same way ever again.

Across town, Maleficent is given her tiny glass globe and she attaches it to a small ring. At first I thought it was going to turn into her big scepter, but instead she gives it a little shake and it makes the sound of a baby rattle. Tears fill her eyes and break my heart.

Mary Margaret rambles on some more about choices and secrets until Regina tells her to get to her damn point. So Mary Margaret comes clean and tells Regina that, because of her and her husband, Maleficent lost her child.

What did you think of “Unforgiven”? What do you think “lost” means? Dead? Missing? Dropped in a portal? Do you think Maleficent’s child could be someone we know?

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