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“Rizzoli and Isles” Subtext Recap (5.16): Put on your finest pizza earings

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Maura cleans out her closet. Frankie has terrible gaydar. Jane admires Maura’s pretty pink pistol.

So this guy driving at night who gets beaten to death after his car breaks down is exactly why I have been a member of AAA since 1997. But while convenient and affordable roadside assistance is important, even more important is the fact that this is now the third episode in a row where the victim (or victims) have been men. How many other crime procedurals can go even two weeks without depicting some violence against women? Not that many, that’s how many.

Maura is brewing coffee when there’s a knock at the door. Naturally, it’s Jane. This is mildly shocking for two reasons: 1) Jane wasn’t there already, and 2) Jane knocked. But she only knocked because her hands—and mouth—were full because of Maura’s box. Yes, thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week—next week, too, since it’s the two-hour season finale.

Jane plops Maura’s mail down on the counter, then marvels at the stacks and stacks of even more mail she is sorting through. Maura is awash in catalogues for some reason. Mama Rizzoli arrives just in time to gross Jane out with stories about how she and Papa R made out on some island. Yep, when your mother-in-law feels free to tell embarrassing TMI stories in front of you you know you’ve been fully embraced as part of the family.

Maura opens up her mail to find a beautiful pair of shoes she did not order that also aren’t in her size. They’re from the boutique Chez Katia, which immediately sends Jane into her PepĂ© Le Pew voice. Our good detective is sure it’s some scam to get Maura to come in to exchange zee shoes and wind up spending more of zee money on zee pretty things at zee shop.

I really hope Jane uses her Le Pew voice when she’s trying to be romantic with Maura. Like, when she pours her lady zee Bordeaux while running zee bath with zee candles lit all around. You know this would totally work on Maura. You just know it.

Maura’s giggle in agreement says as much, but then she makes her disappointed face when Jane’s phone rings. Zee bath will have to wait. Jane answers “Rizzoli” and for a split-second I think they’ll leave us hanging but then Maura’s phone also rings and she finishes off the requisite simultaneous phone greetings with “Isles” and now it’s officially Murder Solving Time.

Can someone make a supercut of all of their “Rizzoli” and “Isles” tandem phone answering? Pretty please?

They arrive to find the victim, who should have called AAA, and soon deduce it wasn’t a robbery and his car, now, appears to be working fine. Korsak keeps using 10-cent words like “convivial” and “liaison.” Jane calls him Mr. Holmes, but he doesn’t look anything like either Benedict Cumberbatch or Johnny Lee Miller, so I’m confused. But the big(ish) words are only because the ever-illusive Kiki has told him to expand his vocabulary and cut the cop speak. Jane finds a bloody handkerchief on the ground which may be a clue or planted by Moriarty.

Jane meets Frankie at the victim’s home to talk with his wife. Hey, it’s Eden Riegel from All My Children. So now Bianca Montgomery joins Dana Fairbanks and Nan Flanagan in the pantheon of gay lady characters to guest star on Rizzoli & Isles.

Jane goes to talk with the victim’s son, and gives him her badge to hold. Yep, if there’s one thing Det. Jane Rizzoli knows it’s how to relate to a 10-year-old boy. Always a tomboy at heart, that one. He tells her he overheard an angry visit from some man who yelled a lot. So that’s a plot point I’m sure we’ll have to suffer through before our Big Gayzzoli Ending.

Jane goes to see Maura in the autopsy lab and they flirt over the word “dawdle.” Hey, when you’re flirting over a dead body anything can be fodder for romance. As if on cue, Senior Criminalist Susie Chang arrives. Let’s just get it over with and have Susie wear a cape that says, “The Blocker.”

Jane pushes Maura to tell her what caused the gaping head vagina, er, wound in the victim’s skull (what, that’s what it looks like). Was it rebar? Was it an iron pipe? To goad Maura even more she declares the murder weapon a “long and fat and soft” object. That gagging noise is lesbians everywhere thinking about something long, fat and soft. Susie’s face perfectly encapsulates all of our horror at this description.

A flustered Maura concedes that it could have been rebar or a tire iron or a steel pipe, so, for the love of God, stop mentioning “long and fat and soft” things. Then Jane gets The Blocker in trouble with Maura for making assumptions, someone who disrupts that much good eye sex must pay some sort of price.

Jane continues to mete out small-scale justice, but this time her subject is Korsak who has used one too many fancy words. She takes his reference book away and tells him to sit in the corner, essentially. Then she uses the thesaurus to look up a synonym for “nutbag” and uses the word “penal.” Yep, that’s our 10-year-old boy, Jane.

Maura finally goes off to exchange her shoes at Chez Katia. But once there the saleswoman apologizes because those shoes were clearly for Dr. Isles—as are all these other purchases. Maura is perplexed, but not as much by the fact that she has an identify thief, but that she has an identity thief with great taste. So she gets one of the dresses in her size to go.

Now back in the office, in the new dress, she babbles on to Susie about how fascinated she is by the imposter phenomenon. But even The Blocker knows when she should stop blocking and asks Maura if she has told her girlfriend—or any other cop—about this crime. See, everyone knows, when it comes to Maura always tell Jane first.

We now interrupt this show about two women who are clearly in love for more plot nonsense. Korsak is notified some detective from Maine has come to inquire about their case. I’m going to assume it’s Jessica Fletcher because that’s the only detective from Maine anyone knows.

Jane arrives in the car bay to find Maura and Susie examining the victim’s ride. Obviously, she notices Maura’s new dress right away. And, proving that even Det. Jane Rizzoli is human, she lets out an involuntary “Helllloooo” at Maura’s hotness. Your gay, it’s definitely showing, sweetie.

Det. Murder, He Wrote arrives and immediately starts talking sports to show he isn’t Angela Lansbury. Jane walks in and immediately out butches him because, duh, she is Det. Jane Rizzoli. He pulls out a piece of evidence that looks remarkably like Jane’s piece of evidence—it’s a handkerchief. Got it, our murderer is Opera Man.

He tells her it came from his first case as a detective, which was never solved. His White Whale was a woman in her late 60s who was beaten to death on the side of a desolate road. There was also a sock in the gas tank, like the new victim. So he asks Jane if she can have the department’s more advanced crime lab and far superior Dr. Maura Isles retest the old evidence as well.

Maura, however, is busy meeting Maura—her imposter. She has dragged Mama R with her to some fancy shmancy restaurant where Not Maura has a reservation. The hostess tells her Not Maura is at the bar and we see the back of some lady’s peroxide head. Oh, please, everyone knows Jane isn’t into platinum blondes.

Not Maura has the crowd of people around her in stitches, which makes Real Maura defensive. Mama R reassures her she is also funny. Such a good mother-in-law that one. To further prove exactly how good Mama R stops Real Maura from “getting a closer look” at Not Maura and suggests they call Jane. Then she tells her this “Imposter Phenomenon” is a crock because Not Maura is clearly not a high-achieving woman. Real Maura, on the other hand, now that’s a high achieving woman.

But Real Maura is stuck on Not Maura’s exquisite taste and sense of adventure. Her great boutique purchases. Her great spa/yoga combos. She is jealous this lady is living her life better than her. OK, can we take a moment and comment on how incredibly loaded Real Maura must be to not care even a little bit about the money Not Maura has spent living the good life? Like, I have one strange purchase on my credit card and I’m eating ramen noodles for a week waiting for it to be refunded back to my account.

Right, so, Mama R finally talks some sense into Real Maura. She tells her how loved and respected she is by everyone in her life—including, of course, by Jane. This other lady is just some con artist who steals shit. They share a moment and now we’re the ones who are jealous. Not of Not Maura, mind you, but of how great this daughter-in-law, mother-in-law relationships really is.

As if to further confirm how much better Real Maura is than Not Maura, the actual doctor springs into action when a fellow diner slumps over from a heart attack. Not Maura, meanwhile, slinks away in shame. But not before Mama R catches her on video. Yeah, she definitely earned that World’s Greatest Mother-in-Law mug.

Real Maura returns to reality and Jane, who greets her with paperwork to sign on her identity theft case. Susie told Jane about her situation because Susie knows it’s never good for anyone’s health to keep important information about Maura from Jane.

Jane is a little hurt and asks why Maura didn’t tell her right away. And Maura says because she knows Jane would have flown into Protective Girlfriend Mode immediately and then she wouldn’t have been able to see what Not Maura was like. Jane tells her that’s exactly what she would have done because her most important job in this world is keeping Maura safe. Look, I’m paraphrasing, but not even that much.

In the lab, Frankie comes to see Susie and ask about the dueling evidence. One of my greatest wishes is for Susie and Frankie to get together. First, I think they’d be a cute couple. And second, it would keep Susie busy and perhaps she could finally hang up her The Blocker cape. A gal can dream.

But while I was thinking of portmanteaus for these two — Sizzoli? Frang? Rusie? — the sprinklers go off flooding all of the evidence and generally making a huge mess. Sadly, all of the samples are now contaminated. Even sadder still, Jane and Maura weren’t there to have an impromptu wet T-shirt contest. Missed opportunities hurt the most, people.

The team gets informed that the sprinklers were set off by a fire in the men’s room. Jane screams “Ban men!” and then goes to bathe in a tub of male tears. Kidding, but seriously, have you read any of this Men’s Rights Movement nonsense? Yeah, fetch me my axe.

Jane goes to investigate what kind of idiot would smoke a cigarette in the men’s room. What she finds is suspicious and suggests someone set the fire on purpose. So next she explains the situation to Det. Murder, He Wrote. He is angry and insulting, so Jane spills a coffee on him for good measure. Hey, if you’re going to be a misandrist, do it right.

It was all a ploy, of course, to get Det. Murder, He Wrote’s voice on tape for the victim’s kid to listen to. He confirms it was the man who threatened his father, so they dig deeper. The victim was a former camp mate who used to tease him about wetting the bed. So much for it gets better.

Maura warned them that he must have repressed his anger at that, and later being spanked in front of everyone by his stepfather, and now could be out for revenge. Yes, yes, childhood trauma is very traumatic. Let’s just find him and get this plot thing over with, please.

Jane and the Ponytail of Righteous Justice find him just in time while he has his stepdad at gunpoint. Though the stepfather isn’t too grateful for their help and calls Det. Murder, He Wrote a pussy. Yeah, he seems like exactly the kind of guy who would join the Men’s Rights Movement. Jane knows it, too, because after she disarms the detective, she tells the stepdad to shut up or she’ll shoot him herself. Korsak agrees because misandry isn’t real.

The case seems closed and I’m ready for my Adorable Bickersons time, but dammit, there is one more loose end to tie up. The victim’s son has come to visit and ask her if he is to blame for his father’s murder because he did not speak up sooner. Jane leans over tenderly and tells him nothing was his fault, but he did help them catch the man who was responsible. It’s very sweet, except for the part where the kid tries to snag Frost’s action figure. Fine, he doesn’t really try to steal it. And it was nice of them to tip their hat to Lee Thompson Young again.

So, finally, it’s BGE time. Jane walks into Maura’s place, without knocking so we know things are back to normal. She has hot pizza and hot-off-the-presses arrest paperwork on Not Maura with her. Basically, she’s the best girlfriend ever. Not Maura is already in custody and thanks to Mama R’s ability to use an iPhone camera they were able to charge her with an even more serious felony.

Maura asks what, and Jane says, “Making my girlfriend question her life’s work.” Again, just barely paraphrasing here, people. Maura rewards her with some quickie eye sex and then they agree that their next role playing will be Jane as herself and Maura as a ne’er do well con woman she is chasing.

They accessorize Jane’s pizza with Not Maura’s fine French wine and get busy doing just that.

So now it’s time to put on your pizza earrings and let’s read the #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

  More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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