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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.23) Mirror, Mirror

On last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars, Tippi the Bird made her triumphant return! But I’m getting ahead of myself. We open with Ali’s lawyer showing her a map of the courtroom, which seems kind of insane. We’ve all seen Court TV, we know what the basic set-up is, right? Does anyone show up at a trial genuinely surprised by the seating arrangements?

Mr. DiLaurentis is dismayed that 12 strangers will be deciding Ali’s fate, despite this being the American legal system. Did he not take Civics in middle school? Maybe he does need that map. The layer, Miss Marcus, tells them that all they have to do is convince ONE juror that Ali isn’t a killer. Good luck with that one, kids.

In the next room, Ashley and Ted are visiting Hanna in prison. Ashley tries to tell them that Ali is innocent, but Ashley isn’t interested in the truth. She just wants Hanna free, and if that means Ali goes down, then so be it. I was hoping Ashley could fill Hanna in on some jail do’s and don’t’s, considering she was locked up once, too.

At Casa Hastings, the three Liars discover that the Varjack phone number is the same as the ones in the personal ads that Ali collected. Veronica asks them if they’re going to be late for school, and all three girls laugh in her face. She advises Aria and Emily not to go to the trial, as the entire town knows they’re friends with Ali. She outright forbids Spencer to go, and Spencer is not having any of it. Spencer Hastings will go to ALL the trials and tamper with ALL the evidence and throw wild accusations at ALL the people present and she will look damn good doing it!

Later at Brew 2.0, Caleb tells the Liars that the phone number is untraceable. They text it from a burner phone, and discuss how they are running out of time. This shit has been going on for five seasons, but somehow the Liars always out of time. They’re more out of time than Doc Brown.

Spencer goes to see Jason, but surprisingly he wants nothing to do with her. Falsely convincing someone to rat out their sister to the cops can have that effect on people. Ali’s dad yells at Spencer and drags Jason away.

Aria is wearing a striped skirt and a blazer with cats on it, because she’s trying to make “jungle business casual” a legit thing. She meets up with Andrew, and they start talking about Mona. Andrew is sick of everyone talking about Mona like she was a sainted genius (which she was SHUT YOUR MOUTH ANDREW) and tells Aria that he considered Mona vicious. He also says she used to “intellectually kneecap” other students, which is a crazy accurate description of how Vanderwaal rolled. Andrew basically says the world is better off without her, and Aria is like, “WTF?!”

Later that night, it’s raining outside Emily’s window and there’s no Paige in sight. Em gets a collect prison call from Ali, who asks if she’s coming to the trial. Emily reluctantly agrees to come, and Ali asks her if it’s raining. This seems like a real missed opportunity for some phone sex, just saying.

We then dissolve from the rain to the prison shower, where Ali is looking longingly into the mirror. Is she longing for Emily or some decent hair conditioner? Maybe both.

It’s the first day of the trial and everyone is there: jurors, a judge, some lawyers, and of course those spooky twin girls.

Emily and Aria show up, but Spencer is nowhere to be seen. Emily is wearing a full body vest, so that astronauts orbiting the earth can know she’s a big ole lez.

The prosecution makes their opening argument, where they accuse Ali of lying about her kidnapping (which she did) and that she killed Mona to bury the truth. He also says that Ali’s friends conspired to help her, and everyone stares at Aria and Emily. Well, this is awkward.

Aria calls Spencer to fill her in, as if it’s news that one of the Liars’ lies blew up in their faces. Spencer thinks that Cyrus must have ratted out Ali, either before or after he got barbequed. Mr. DiLaurentis continues to be pissed at the Liars and their lying lies. This is why some parents stay Out Of Town permanently, Mr. D. #wheresElla?

Afterwards, Ali is on laundry duty in prison when Hanna shows up to join her. They fold scrubs and Ali tells Hanna about the personal ads. Someone bought a tribute ad for Mrs. D with quotes from Goodnight Moon in it, which was what Mrs. D used to read to Ali. Ali is all flummoxed that A would know about the book, but didn’t everyone’s parents read them Goodnight Moon? It’s an insanely common book, right?

Hanna is pissed that Ali didn’t tell them, but as always, Ali was just trying to protect her girls from A. Ali thought that the texter knew who killed her mother, but then she thought it was Mona torturing her, mainly because once she died the texts stopped.

Spencer asks if Veronica knew that the prosecution would bring up her friends, but Veronica says it was too late to warn them. She then tells Spencer that, if anyone asks, she knew nothing about the fake kidnapping. Once again, Veronica wins the “Most Competent Parent” award.

Caleb visits Hanna in prison, and she tells him that Ali is scared. He promises to get her out, but Hanna seems somewhat resigned to a life in prison. She begs Caleb to run away and save himself, but he tried that once and turned into a ghost soldier, so he’ll be staying in town from now on.

Back at Brew 2.0, Caleb and the Liars are shocked when Varjack calls Aria’s cell. Aria doesn’t want to answer it but Caleb has no time for her nonsense and snatches the phone out of her hands. French music plays from the other end of the line. Zoot Alors!

The gang plays the music over the phone for Hanna, who recognizes it as the music Mona used to play when they were just two straight girls hanging out in a bedroom together listening to romantic French music and practicing French kissing. Hanna also calls the singer Edith Pilaf, instead of Edith Piaf, because she is hilarious.

The Liars wonder if Mona left anymore clues in her bedroom, like the mini-tape she left for Hanna. Also, Mona’s mom wasn’t at the trial. Hmm. Aria volunteers to go visit Mona’s mom, as she is the least intimidating Liar. Emily offers to drive her, because lesbians love carpooling, obvs.

Spencer and Caleb drink some tea and Caleb wishes he could have run away with Hanna. He tells Spencer that Hanna told him to leave, but he’s not going anywhere. Spencer then says she wants to bottle him as “essence of best boyfriend,” which will be a nice change of pace from bottling garbage artists, older brits, and sullen butt-chins.

Aria knocks on the Vanderwaal door, but no one answers. Emily says that it’s a long shot that any clue is even up there, and Aria is like, “Let’s go shopping and give up” and they both laugh because that will never in a million years happen.

Spencer is reading the newspaper (it’s this thing made of trees and ink, kind of like Buzzfeed for old people) when Jason shows up to apologize for his dad. Spencer apologizes for thinking Ali was guilty and forcing her opinion onto Jason. She admits that she can be overly certain about things, because she is scared of not knowing things and being unsure. I think she just unlocked a whole new level of self-awareness.

They both think Ali is innocent, and there’s nothing they can do about it. Jason gets the call that he’s taking the witness stand tomorrow. Spencer also touches on what makes A so insidious; A knows the Liars so well, that they can use their own weaknesses against them. To not fall into A’s trap is to not be yourself, and how can someone not be themselves?

The next morning, Veronica busts Spencer for sneaking out to the trial. Spencer knows everyone will be talking about her, so she says they can say it to her face. Fair enough.

In court, the prosecution plays Mona’s murder video and asks Jason about it. He says that at first he thought the killer was Ali, but now he’s not so sure. Once he changes his story, the defense goes after him hard and reveals his affair with Ashley Marin to everyone.

According to the prosecutor, Ashley sexed up Jason to change his testimony to free Hanna. Everyone is shocked, no one more so than Emily, whose facial expression is the equivalent of a thousand screams.

During recess, the Liars all wonder if Hanna knew, or if the allegations are true. Emily is still like, “Hanna’s mom, though? Is this real life?”. Spencer asks Jason if he is okay and he’s like, NOPE. With that, the Liars are off to Mona’s.

Ashley and Ted are dealing with the aftermath of Jason’s testimony. Ashley tells Ted to leave, but Ted wants to stay and finish his coffee. She’s like, “No, dummy, we’re finished. This relationship, like the cookie it was proposed with, has crumbled.” Looks like this might be the end of Ashley and Ted.

The Liars are banging on the Vanderwaal door, but no one is answering. They hear Edith Piaf playing from Mona’s open window, and barge right in. The Liars find Mona’s room ransacked, and there’s a note from A in a doll’s head (A stays on brand) that says that they snoozed and losed. Everyone is disappointed, but Aria has a flash of brilliance and is all, “Wait, guys, what if A lied? What if the clue is still here!?” Then everyone’s heads explode because Aria out-Spencered Spencer Hastings.

Emily says they should start thinking like Mona, and Spencer immediately picks up Mona’s mirror. Good thinking. If I looked like Mona, I too would spend all day gazing into a mirror. Spencer pops the glass out and the Liars find an index card riddled with, well, riddles. Jackpot?

Andrew creepily watches as the girls leave the house, and no one notices the broken window and the ice pick sticking in the floor. Maybe they thought it was decorative choice?

Over at the Brew 2.0, Emily goes to put on her sensible thinking flats, and Andrew apologizes to Aria for his Mona trash talk. He kisses her on the cheek and assures her he’s not a psycho, which means he is most definitely a psycho. Aria really knows how to pick ’em.

Ashley visits Hanna in jail and apologizes for everything that happened. Hanna assures her that no apology is necessary, and that Ashley is a grown ass woman who doesn’t deserve to be slut-shamed by the court system. Hanna assures her that prison will be fine and she’ll write a book about it and maybe Netflix will turn it into a hit series. These two are adorable.

Meanwhile, Jason visits Ali and apologizes for potentially fucking things up. He tells her he believes she’s innocent, and feels terrible that he got her arrested. Ali tells him to run away, but he’s not going to.

Emily is closing up the Brew when she decides to give the secrets machine another whirl. After listening to some confessions about stolen money and wonky boobs, she hears Edith Piaf.

We then head over to forensics, where we see the ice pick. Closer examination reveals that it’s from Boo Boo Radley’s Ice Cream and Terror Emporium. You know, the one where the Liars almost froze and got their finger prints over every possible surface?

Meanwhile, A shreds their Varjack social security card and uses it to line Tippi’s bird cage. Tippi is still singing that phone number, because that bitch won’t quit.

We’ve got two episodes until the big A reveal. I really hope the season ends with Tippi grabbing Aria in her talons and flying away. Tweet me your secrets @Chelseaprocrast and I will listen to them all through my elbows.

Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her wondrous screencaps, and for not identifying me in court as her side piece.

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