“The Fosters” recap (2.19): Tit for Tat

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Previously on The Fosters, Connor and Jude played video games and wrestled and had the sweetest kiss in TV history. Callie told Stef why she decided to go live with the Quinns, Lena spilled her guts to Monty, Mariana staged a protest, and Brandon sold off the one thing his grouchy, dead grandpa ever gave him so he could finance his sex tour of the lower 48.

Stef, Lena and Callie are meeting with their lawyer in the dream kitchen. They are trying to figure out a plan for keeping Callie in their house a little longer. Stef probably would like it if Robert had an “accident,” but instead, she asks Callie to put Robert on the spot in front of the judge by asking him to give her more time. Callie shrugs and is like, “Well, I once ran into a burning basement to save a life, so I guess I can ask one question.” But she’s worried that Stef and Lena are spending money on a lawyer when not even the Notorious RBG could make her case to this dopey judge. The lawyer tells Stef she doesn’t want Stef to pour money into a lost cause but do not fret because Stef has something up her sleeve.

Fosters 2191

It’s time for some oral hygiene at the Adams Foster’s home for children with perfect teeth. Mariana tells Jude to go away because four kids in one bathroom is all she can take. Besides, Callie is leaving, Jesús is going to boarding school, Brandon is going to be moving in with Jude once the baby arrives and needs his room, she has fifty-seven hours of coding to do, and she still can’t find enough dancers. Brandon and Callie are still stuck on the idea that some school offered Jesús an academic scholarship. Mariana bops out of the room and Jesús says they aren’t adopting the baby. Brandon does a victory dance about not having to move in with Jude. Brandon, it’s like you’re not even trying to get us to like you. Callie points out that Mariana is going to be devastated. Jesús has a peace offering for Mariana, though. Emma used to be a cheerleader, she’ll be perfect for the dance team.

Stef tells Lena that they have a date with the judge at lunch time. Lena doesn’t love the idea of using Callie to get an extension of time and can’t imagine Robert will agree anyway. Jesús would like them to meet with the boarding school guy and Lena says Monty went to boarding school and says it “saved her life.” Stef is snotty about Monty having gone to “Haaahvaahhd.” Lena says it was Princeton, actually. So double the douchebag points for Monty! Stef would like to meet the woman who is so involved in their parenting decisions. Lena makes a crack about Mike being involved, too. See the difference is that Mike is actually one of the kid’s parents. Monty is just an interloper. Anyway, Stef thinks they should have Monty over for dinner and Lena thinks there’s not enough wine in the universe to make that a fun time.

Fosters 2192Passive aggressive kiss goodbye before I continue my emotional affair with my boss.

Stef cracks open her laptop and scrolls through some pictures of Robert with his mistress. Looks like Stef is A.

Mariana finds Emma and screams, “You were a cheerleader!” Emma looks like Mariana just shouted, “You have syphilis!” across the cafeteria. It was a long time ago, and I was a different girl then, Emma says. Mariana appeal to Emma’s competitive spirit, her sense of justice, and then quotes Gloria Steinem. Emma’s like, “Ugh, you had me at girls in leotards.”

Jude asks Connor for some gum because Mariana kicked him out of the bathroom and he has stinky breath. Connor is like, dude you smell terrible but you want to make out later, anyway? If you can find someone who will kiss you even when you have morning breath you’re doing pretty well. Taylor, unicorn in training, sees them being adorable together.

Overly involved tweed-wearing teacher runs up to Brandon and tells him that while Idyllwild gave away his scholarship they would be happy to let him audition for another one since the teacher explained about Brandon’s crushed hand. Better get practicing Brando.

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Lena peeks through the window to see that Timothy’s substitute is Professor Binns and has put the entire class to sleep. The clock on the wall tells her she’s about to be late for their meeting with the judge so she skeedaddles. Everyone is shocked when Robert suggests that Callie have some more time to make her decision. The judge awards Robert a prize for being so unselfish. Callie will now spend every other weekend with Bobby learning how to be an entitled douche. While Callie is learning the finer points of debutante balls, Stef has a plan. They will get Callie emancipated!

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Lena appreciates that Stef will do anything to keep Callie in their house but sneaking around and doing shady business makes her uncomfortable. Stef doesn’t care because they are going to keep Callie and she came up with this brilliant plan all by herself. Know what other plan you had all by yourself? Charging into Ana’s house. That turned out well, didn’t it. Just one bullet in the gut. Monty interrupts Stef as she is about to kiss Lena good-bye and they exchange awkward greetings and an even more awkward invitation to dinner. Dinner guests at the Adams Foster house are always a disaster.

Tia and Mariana have to find four more dancers or they will be forced to give up their dream of toppling the social structure perpetuated by mean girl culture. Emma shows up which is super great! Callie shows up too which makes Mariana think there is some kind of family emergency going on but nope, just Callie wanting to try out for dance team. Somewhere hell is getting mighty chilly.

Brandon is practicing at Mike’s. When he messes up he flops down on the couch only to hear Ana walk in and start crying. She has written several letters and they keep getting returned. She says, “Hey, I’m really sorry I took that money from you that time I was lying to try to get your mom and dad in trouble.” Brandon is all, “It’s fine. Bribing a witness was really just the tip of the felonious iceberg for me.” She leaves and he snoops in her returned mail because it’s hard to resist another crime. 

Fosters 2195So, do you still have the cheerleader uniform?

Back at dance rehearsal, Emma is a natural, Callie looks like a deer in the headlights, and I would like the black girl in the front row to have an actual storyline because she rocked it. Tia and Mariana pick dancers, including Callie. I’m not sure if Tia or Callie is more surprised by the decision.

Fosters 2196 And then the handsome prince dumps the girl and rides off with his Judicorn.

Jude walks out to meet Connor at the bench only to discover that it is occupied by Connor and Daria making out. Jude looks like he wants to vomit, which is the correct reaction especially when Connor bops over like nothing happened. Jude asks Connor what the hell is going on with Daria. Connor thinks having a girlfriend is super convenient because it means his dad doesn’t mind letting Connor hang out with Jude. Besides, don’t they just have the best time when they hang out a a group. Oh, Connor, I feel for you son, but Jude’s already got 99 problems, you shouldn’t be one. Jesús walks in and tells them to leave because he has to do homework and their very existence makes it impossible for him to concentrate.

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