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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.22): Babes, Bars and the Bard

Something earth-shattering happened last night on Pretty Little Liars. After five seasons of attempted murder, blackmail, and a million texts calling them bitches, one of the Liars is finally telling the police about A. And of course it’s Hanna Marin because the girl has had it up to HERE with this fucking nonsense. It was one thing when A made her eat a box of cupcakes/ran her over with an SUV/arrested her mom for murder/made her dance out her feelings. But now that there’s a prison jumpsuit with her name on it, Hanna is FINALLY taking this bitch down.

We open in prison, where Ali’s lawyer tell her that, without witnesses or evidence to support her story, her trial is not looking good. The D.A. is offering her a plea bargain, where she would do 10-15 if she rats out a co-conspirator, namely Hanna, who the police are building a case against. Ali doesn’t want to admit to a crime she didn’t commit, but with her lack of defense and history of lying, she’s got little choice.

Across the pond in jolly olde England, Melissa finally shows up to see her sister. Or at least, I think it’s Melissa. She’s acting all nice and sisterly and out of character, and it’s creeping me out. Spencer wants to get back to Rosewood, but Melissa tells her that their mom got her an interview at St. Andrews and she has to stay.

Spencer would rather sleuth and harangue Toby for doing his job, but the allure of a Scottish education is too tempting to give up. Think of the tartans and the cable knit! Melissa says that maybe her relationship with Toby has run its course and that Spencer can have a fresh start and eat all the Pret a Manger sandwiches she wants.

Over at Rosewood High, Emily and Aria talk about Varjack and Cyrus, who is now in the ICU. Emily wants Aria to ask Ezra if he ever came across the name, seeing as he’s been painstakingly documenting their lives since they first started menses. Aria doesn’t want to get into any Ezra awkwardness, so she scurries off to take a history test.

Spencer is unpacking in England when Colin shows up with two tickets to see Hamlet at the Royal Shakespeare Company. Being a consummate literature nerd, Spencer jumps at the chance.

Hanna is heading to school when she overhears Veronica and Ashley talking. Veronica tells Ashley about the plea bargain and the plan to name Hanna as the accomplice. The police are building a case against Hanna, despite getting inconclusive DNA from the barrel. Mrs. Hastings also tells Ashley that Hanna has been visiting Ali. Girl, you busted.

Hanna tells Emily what she heard, and Emily assures her that Ali would never take her down. Sweet sweet Emily still believes the best of Alison, but Hanna is not having it. She’s also wearing an enormous circular necklace that Aria will be hula-hooping in for the “PLL Goes Hawaiian!” episode.

Emily wants to grab the conch shell and summon Spencer home from across the sea, but Aria wants to wait until they see how the whole situation shakes out. Emily grabs a note from Aria’s locker from Andrew, and wants to know why they’re planning dinner. Aria tries to lie to Emily about her kiss with Andrew, but Emily is like, “Bitch, please. You reek of Cool Water and Arnold Palmers.”

Hanna panics with Caleb, but he tells her that they don’t have the evidence to arrest her. He promises to get some info out of Toby and tells Hanna that everything will be okay, as he is the only decent boyfriend on this show. Ashley then shows up and demands that Hanna come the fuck home.

Over at Brew 2.0, Ezra says he never came across the name Varjack in his stalking, and Emily asks him to check again. Ezra gets all condescending like, “um, I was the one who called Ali the modern Holly Golightly, I THINK I’d recognize a Capote reference thankyouverymuch!” Ezra says they should investigate Mona’s lawyer, Nealon.

Back in Stratford-Upon-Hastings, Spencer is borrowing a dress from Melissa to wear to the play. Melissa wants to be sisterly and share clothes and make-up, something she and Spencer never got to do because Spencer was busy snogging Melissa’s boyfriends (it’s snogging bc they’re in England, get it? This recap is INTERNATIONAL). They both want to start again as sisters and promise not to lie to each other. Good luck, girls. Also, Melissa still feels bad about burying Bethany alive, but you know, 99 problems.

Ezra goes undercover to Nealon’s office to discuss Brew franchising options, which LOLOLOL bc his business is garbage and he doesn’t even have a chef and he only employs one teen lesbian to run the joint. He immediately starts asking questions about Mona, and the lawyer promptly kicks him out.

Aria and Emily are waiting for Ezra, and Aria confesses that things have been awkward since their not quite break-up. The trio see Nealon drive off, and decide to follow him.

Back in prison, Ali finds her cell torn apart, with a message to take the plea deal. Also, her tampon box is full of contraband cigarettes that Vee has her selling. Oops, wrong show.

Ashley has had it with Hanna’s bullshit and demands the truth. And she gets it, sort of. Hanna tells her mom that she’s being framed and she moved the barrel to protect herself. Ashley realizes that Emily’s going to have to become Miss Teen America to foot Hanna’s legal bills.

Spencer and Colin are having drinks in a pub, where Spencer is psyched to be of legal drinking age. I felt the same way during my study abroad in London: let’s hope Spencer’s night doesn’t end with a bucket of Smirnoff Ices and puking during her Shakespeare seminar the next morning.

Spencer and Colin discuss being Shakespeare purists and banter quite nicely. Spencer wonders if Hamlet could have started over if he had gotten to England, and by Hamlet she means herself. Colin challenges her to a game of darts, and we get a glimpse of what it would be like if Spencer dated someone on her intellectual level.

Two Liars and an Ezra tail Nealon to a large gated mansion. Ezra wants to know who the fuck Andrew is and Aria stammers over her answer. Their lesbian processing causes them to miss the gate closing, and Emily is the only one who ends up inside. Looks like it’s on her to do creepy mansion recon.

Back in Litchfield, Ali is ironing some scrubs while getting the side-eye from a girl with a shaved head. She hears noises and screams.

While Emily is potentially getting murdered, Aria and Ezra have an awkward conversation about her acceptance to SCAD and her avoiding him. Aria makes them split up to case the perimeter, which is about as dumb as asking someone to describe a tree. Put your drama in perspective, kids.

A battered Ali calls her lawyer to ask if the plea bargain means transferring to safer prison. She’s rattled and looking for a way out.

Spencer and Colin stumble in from the rain, and end up making out. I’m not loving it, but this guy is a huge step up from Jonny GarbageArt so we’ll call this a win.

Veronica visits Ali in jail and asks why she’s suddenly interested in a plea deal. She tries to convince her to be honest, but Ali is scared. Veronica tells her to think carefully about taking Hanna down to save herself, that she would be living with a terrible lie for the rest of her life. Little does she know that Ali has been living an M.C. Escher painting of interconnected lies—in fact, Alison DiLaurentis may be nothing more than a pack of lies in a wig.

Emily Fields spent the last two weeks dancing and gifting Tumblr, so this week it’s a major letdown to see her paw through Varjack’s garbage like a beautiful hobo. She finds a pizza receipt with Varjack’s name, proving he/she lives in the house. Or is very generous with their pizza account.

Caleb shows up at Hanna’s house with the worst news. He talked to Toby, and the police have issued a warrant for Hanna’s arrest. Hanna wants to run away, which is of course the worst possible thing to do, but she’s trapped. Caleb tells her to finally confess all the A drama to Tanner and let the chips fall where they may. Hanna still fears A’s retaliation, but Caleb reminds her that she’s already living it. It’s scary and it will change everything, but it’s time for bold action.

Emily watches Nealon open a safe and take out money and a gun. Then, in an uncharacteristic moment of clumsiness, Emily knocks over a million things by the window and Nealon pulls his gun. She would have made less noise is she smacked herself in the face with a tambourine.

Caleb and Hanna head into the police station, armed with the truth and ten million texts from A. As soon as they check in with the cop on duty, A does a remote wipe of Hanna’s phone, deleting all her texts. The evidence is gone, and of course no one backed this shit up. Did nobody save all the notes/texts/dolls/masks/cow brains/magic trick boxes? Oof magoof.

Ezra and Aria can’t get into the mansion, so they decide to call Emily. Nealon is getting into his car when he hears Emily’s phone buzz and pulls out his gun and flashlight. Emily stays hidden in the bushes (#vaginajoke) and Nealon drives off. Emily runs out and tells Ezria what she found. Aria gets the call that Hanna has been arrested.

We see Hanna getting fingerprinted and taking mugshots while Aria calls Spencer to fill her in. Aria and Emily show up at the precinct, only to find that their phones have been remotely wiped as well. Veronica tells Ashley that Ali hasn’t taken the plea deal yet. Tanner has found Hanna’s blood on Mona’s clothes, which is all the evidence she needs to put away Hanna.

Spencer is packing up and Melissa tries to get her to stay. It is revealed that the St. Andrews interview is a lie concocted by Melissa and Veronica to keep Spencer safe in London. Spencer is furious at Melissa’s lying, despite Melissa just trying to protect her. Spencer storms out, furious that Melissa banged their budding relationship over the head with a shovel and buried it alive.

Emily is wearing the shortest of shorts and decides to throw caution to the wind and call Varjack’s number.

Aria and Ezra sit on a park bench eating muffins and discussing their future. Aria admits that dating a teacher did rob her of classic high school experiences, and while she loves him she wants to go to college as a single woman. Ezra agrees, and says they should just end it now instead of dragging it out. They agree to be friends and hold each other’s hand, just like every lesbian break-up ever.

Ali hears the prisoners whistle at the new meat coming through. She sees Hanna walk by her cell, outfitted in her own orange scrubs. When the lawyer presents her with the plea deal, Ali rejects and decides to go to trial.

We’re two weeks away from the big A reveal! Will Hanna join a gang? Will she get a do-rag? Tweet me @chelseaprocrast with your thoughts.

As always, big thanks to Nicole @PLLBigA for the screenshots! Let’s hold hands and eat muffins on a park bench!

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