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“Once Upon A Time” recap (4.13): SwanQueen and the Kale Salad

Welcome back, magic-lovers! Hope you behaved yourself over the hiatus. Though I’m sad to see Elsa and Anna go, I think the back half of Season 4 will promise exponentially more evil cleavage, so I’m excited. Let’s dive right back into it, shall we?

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Belle cast Rumplestiltskin out of Storybrooke, Regina started a hunt for the author and Emma agreed to help her find it, and Rumple also decided to hunt for his own happy ending and plans to enlist the help of some old Queens of Darkness. Though so far he has only found Ursula.

Many years ago in the Forbidden Forest, Ursula finds herself in Maleficent’s castle, much to the dragon queen’s chagrin. Ursula swears she was invited, but Maleficent is sure she didn’t invite any sea witches to her lair. Their fight is interrupted by some angry dogs and Cruella de Vil appears, saying she too was invited. Maleficent wants to know who has been inviting evil women to her castle without her permission when Rumple shows up, guilty as charged.

Rumple tells them that he’s assembling a team of his favorite villains for his mission to get the bad guys their happy endings, too.

In present day Storybrooke, it has been six weeks since they bid adieu to their Arendelle friends. Mary Margaret is teaching school again, Regina has reclaimed her mayorship, Emma is back on the job as Sheriff, and Hook is working with Belle to find a way to get the fairies out of the sorcerer’s hat he put them in. He’s just about at the end of his rope, but Belle assures him they’ll find a way to release them.

Hook blames himself for being tricked by Rumplestiltskin, but Belle points out that she was, too. Hook tells her that despite being evil at his core, Rumple really did love Belle, but Belle isn’t sure if that fact makes things better or worse.

She just hopes he finds what he’s looking for.

And whatever he’s after, he’s looking for it in New York City, wearing a ratty bathrobe and heating up some of Ursula’s ramen in the microwave. Ursula asks what he’s waiting for, why he’s squatting in her place instead of doing something, but Rumple says he was just waiting, and now it’s time. They have an old friend to visit.

They find Cruella clutching at fur coats while her husband and possessions are taken away from her by the authorities. She turns her head when she hears someone call her Cruella De Vil, since she goes by Cruella Feinberg now.

She sees Rumple and Ursula and wonders what they could possibly have to offer her. Rumple knows things didn’t go so great the first time, but he’s here to help her find magic again in this world without magic. Rumple asks her if she’s tired of being ordinary, and since I’m sure she doesn’t exactly fit in at the suburban housewife book club, she opens the garage door to reveal her classic Coupe Deville (okay I don’t know if that’s the kind of car it is, BUT IT SHOULD BE) and tells the other two villains to get in.

Flashback to three grumpy witches demanding to know why Rumple called them all to Maleficent’s castle. Rumple says he wants to help the villains win, but the women tell him to dust off his Disney VHS tapes because that’s not how this works. But Rumple says there’s a way, a curse that can help them find their happy ending.

In present-day Storybrooke, Emma brings Regina a kale salad and a root beer, and they have adorably domestic banter in which Regina chides Emma for eating like a child, but with a smile on her face and a kindness to her teasing.

Emma asks Regina if she can open the root beer, but Regina is too classy to open a bottle with her teeth. Emma rifles around the drawers for one and finds the torn out page of Young Regina and Robin on the night they could have met and asks Regina about it. Regina says that Robin had thought it was a sign of hope…before he ran off with Marian and his son. Regina thinks of it more as a cruel joke.

Before Emma can…comfort…Regina, Hook and Belle storm in and say they got a translation of a spell from a professor at Oxford that will get the fairies out of the hat. All they need is Regina to perform the spell. Emma calls Regina “Madame Mayor” and says it’s time to create a new holiday called Free the Fairies Day.

They go into the woods and Regina uses the Dark One’s Dagger to free the fairies. Between everyone celebrating and Regina shaking from the old familiar dark magic running through her veins, no one notices the black smoke that seeps out of the starbox and takes a winged shape in the sky.

Flashback Rumple takes the Evil Trio to a dungeon, where each of their powers are uniquely suited to a task. Cruella uses her powers of animal persuasion (yeah, I dunno) to convince deadly beetles to get out of their way, Maleficent uses her fire control powers to absorb the fiery barrier into her dragon scepter, and Ursula uses her tentacle to snatch a glass ball from it’s stand.

But obviously Indiana Jones never made it to the Forbidden Forest (or Aladdin for that matter), because as soon as the glass ball is removed, a rumbling echoes throughout the dungeon. Rumple giggles and thanks them for playing along, telling them that the monster is a beast who craves the heart with the most potential for evil, so he’s not about to stick around.

Present-day Gold takes Cruella and Ursula to the Storybrooke town line, but it’s cloaked so they start to think he’s being shady and duplicitous again. Cruella holds him at gunpoint and Ursula kicks the cane out from under him because fool them once shame on him but he won’t fool them twice. He promises he’s just here for his happy ending and that they’ll need him to battle all the light magic across the border, so they decide to hear him out.

At the traditional Saved Day Party at Granny’s (where there is still no Ruby to be found), the Blue Fairy is sulking in a corner. Regina, with Henry’s encouragement, asks the Blue Fairy if she knows anything about the magical storybooks. Emma sidles up next to Regina to hear the answer. The Blue Fairy tells them that the Sorcerer and the Author are two very different people, but she doesn’t know why the Sorcerer would have the Author’s books. The Blue Fairy admits she doesn’t even know if the Author is a “he” (and yet they keep using the “he” pronoun) so she really can’t help ID them. Emma tells Regina not to lose hope, and the Blue Fairy says that the Author would have hidden clues in his storybook, so all is not lost.

They’re interrupted by a terrible roar outside and Regina isn’t even surprised anymore, she just wants to get this newest chaos over with. They go outside and see the evil-eating gargoyle monster from the dungeon.

Speaking of the dungeon, flash back to the Evil Trio working together to escape. Their plan is to let the demon make its choice, then the two spared witches will find a way to help the chosen one. The three of them step out together and the beast chooses Maleficent.

In Storybrooke, everyone is running and hiding from the beast, but Regina and Emma know what they have to do. They wordlessly share nods of agreement and walk out together, using their combined magic to fight the beast.

This succeeds in scaring the demon off for a bit, and the two of them go off to work together to figure out how to defeat it.

Outside the town line, Rumple gives Ursula his phone and has her call Regina. Regina is surprised but mildly amused about getting a call from “the sea bitch” and puts it on speaker phone so her wife-er, I mean, Emma can listen in. Ursula says that she and Cruella are “back together” (which means they’re now dating in my head canon SORRY NOT SORRY) and would like to get across the town line. Regina laughs and says she’s the only Evil Queen in this town, but Ursula hears the all too familiar hellbeast screech in the background and says she’ll trade information about it for a way in. Regina is about to tell them she couldn’t let them in even if she wanted to, but Emma reminds her that they have the Snow Queen’s scroll, so they make the deal.

Flashback Maleficent fights the gargoyle monster and sees the other two women scurrying up the wall. She growls at them for going against their plan and fights off the demon as long as she can. When she realizes she’s not match for it, she stands proudly and tells it she hopes it chokes on her bones. Just before she becomes its dinner, a tentacle wraps around her waist and she is hoisted to safety.

She sasses about the smell of fish on her dress, which Ursula takes as the closest thing as a “thank you” she’s likely to get.

In present-day Storybrooke, Regina is on the brink of freaking out, because with Rumple gone, she’s sure she’s the best candidate for this Hellmonster Snack Du Jour if it’s craving the heart with the darkest potential. Emma says they can’t be sure about that, and at any rate, it’s not like she’s just going to sacrifice Regina to this thing. Emma says that all they need to do is get the thing over the town line and it will fry, but Regina says that even if she poofs to the town line, she’ll still be toast. Emma says that it won’t happen like that if she doesn’t do it alone and tells Regina to trust her.

Emma and Regina zip along in Emma’s yellow buggy and Regina’s coping mechanism for fear makes her make fun of Emma’s car. Emma promises Regina won’t become demon food, but when the monster latches onto the roof Emma’s car, Regina can’t risk Emma’s life any longer and poofs to the town line. But the monster stays on the roof of the car, swatting through the handmade sunroof at the Savior. Emma slams on the brakes and Regina ducks and the monster goes flying over the town line and into the obliteration zone.

Regina is very proud and grateful.

Mary Margaret and David show up, too late and too useless, unsurprisingly, and are very firm about their desire to not let Ursula and Cruella into Storybrooke. Regina points out that sure, they were evil, but she was more evil than the two of them combined, and if she should get a second chance, why shouldn’t they? Emma sides with Regina and when those two work together, the rest of the world is powerless against them.

They toss the scroll over the town line and as soon as Cruella and Ursula hop into the car and read it, the town appears to them and they can roll right over. Cruella purrs that Regina won’t regret this decision, and Regina tells her that she better not make her.

Later that night, Rumple is moping in the moonlight, and if he’s anything like me, it’s because a full moon in Storybrooke reminds him of Ruby which brings nothing but sadness and longing. The scroll appears at his feet and he happily limps across the town line, where Cruella and Ursula are waiting. He tosses his cane aside and the three of them strut into town. He tells them that the plan is for them to befriend the locals while he works behind the scenes to concoct a scheme, and when they doubt him, he says that while he was in New York, magicless, he still managed to be pulling strings; for example, he was the one who translated the spell for Belle and got the demon released from the hat.

But before they do any of that, their team is a member short. Somehow they had heard that Maleficent was dead, but Rumple assures them that she’s not quite dead. They also assume Regina has the darkest heart, and while that might be true, they misunderstood the beast’s meal preferences a little. It wasn’t after the darkest heart, but the one with the greatest potential for darkness. Which means the heart closest to pure without actually being pure; the good heart that could be corrupted. Which is why the demon wanted Miss Emma Swan.

Later that night, in the dark and the rain, Mary Margaret and David meet up with Cruella and Ursula in the middle of the street. The Charmings say that they’re welcome to stay if they’ve truly turned over a new leaf, but under one condition: No one must know what happened between them in the Enchanted Forest, especially not Emma. I immediately thought they had some kind of giant orgy, but it’s possible I’ve been watching too much Black Sails. Mary Margaret channels her inner Snow White and says that if they breathe a word of what happens, she’ll rip their hearts out herself.

What did you think of “Darkness on the Edge of Town”? What are you looking forward to most in 4B?

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

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