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“Rizzoli and Isles” Subtext Recap (5.14): Let’s Play Doctor

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane survives her jump off the bridge but ends up on the Bad Girlfriend list with Maura for jumping off a bridge in the first place. They give each other presents. And then they merge their bucket lists and make ravioli together like the married couple they are.

It’s a beach day and a young man is trying to convince a young woman to take off her clothes and frolic with him in the waves. Hey, buddy, no means no. Also, come on, in what world would it be warm enough for them to go into the water in Boston in February? The Young Woman shows the Young Man the appropriate finger and now I’m envisioning a world where she becomes friends with Senior Criminalist Susie Chang and she introduces her new friend to the wonders of nude beaches at more appropriate times of the year.

Anyway, Young Man gets in the water anyway and throws some flotsam from the ocean at her on the beach. Throwing waste at women you hope to woo does not seem like the best romantic strategy, but then perhaps I don’t understand straight mating rituals well enough. The sea junk turns out to be an old shoe. But the old shoe still has an old foot in it. This is why you always, always check your shoes before putting them on.

Jane, Maura and Mama Rizzoli are with Korsak in his new bar. Maura suggests he give the place a theme. Having a “theme” is code for making it into a lesbian bar, in case you’re slow. Korsak contends his theme is “booze.” But Jane concurs and says he should “amp up the fun.” Again, that means making it a lesbian bar. What’s more fun than a room full of gay women all staring longingly at each other, but too chicken to go over and talk to each other? Amirite, ladies?

Maura suggests bringing in great music and Jane agrees again. After merging their bucket lists these two are so in sync. Korsak tells them he plans to get the jukebox fixed because of its definitive collection of Tiffany songs. Jane and Maura shrug, because they’d prefer it was the definitive collection of Melissa Etheridge songs. So instead they offer other ideas, like different themes each night: Melissa Mondays, Tegan & Sara Tuesdays, Indigo Girls Wednesdays, Brandi Thursdays (Clark and Carlile) and so on.

But, you know, definitely not Josh Groban. Unless you want the bar to always be empty and for the ladies to always have their special booth. Wait, now I’m rethinking this idea. They try to get Mama R in on the lesbian musician bandwagon, but she’s a gloomy gus. Jane tries to get Maura to handle this mother-in-law emergency. But Maura’s all, oh hell no, she’s your mother we do this together. Also, I like how they call each other doctor because you know they’re each other’s luuuuve doctors. Oooh! Up top! Anyone? *high fives self*

Mama R is down because her job hunt is going nowhere. She says no one wants to hire a woman of a certain age. Maura comes back with some statistics but Jane gives her the throat-clearing “not now” sign. Jane’s right. This is a time for sisterhood and solidarity. How dare The Man not want to hire any woman older than the age of 22? Burn down the patriarchy! Fetch me my axe! I may have gotten carried away thinking about tearing down the master’s house.

But Mama R is just mad because she has had only one job interview for the 37 resumes she sent out. Gotta say, in this job market, that ain’t the worst I’ve heard. Also, who still sends resumes—like in the mail? This could be the problem. Jane and Maura get saved from having to explain monster.com and careerbuilder.com by their synchronized ringing phones. Vince gets one too, which suddenly turns the show into Rizzoli, Isles & Korsak. Eh, I’d still watch that show. He’s basically already the loveable third wheel who keeps asking the central couple when they’re going to finally make it official and tie the knot.

On the beach, Maura is examining the foot-in-shoe. While this show isn’t quite as bad as Bones in the never-eat-dinner-while-it’s-on department, the hamburgered ankle is fairly unappetizing. Jane calls it a first, but Korsak regales her with stories and reasons finding severed feet in the ocean is perfectly normal. She tells them it’s another reason to hate the ocean. Did we know Jane hates the ocean? Though you can’t argue with her rational for avoiding it: all the drunk guys peeing in it.

On the way out, Jane and Korsak get accosted by a pushy reporter (because there’s no other kind on television) asking her about some serial killer. Wait, did I miss something? Are J.J. and Prentiss going to show up? Can you imagine Dr. Maura Isles interacting with Penelope Garcia? Can someone please write this cross-over fic?

Back on the case the show is forcing us to pay attention to this week, Maura tells Korsak about the science of running shoes. There’s also some discussion of wear patterns on the soles. Come on, couldn’t she be telling Jane this so they could bicker about needing to go running together more?

But, alas, Jane is looking at severed body parts instead. Nina and Frankie are looking up the serial killer case the reporter mentioned. Seems random severed body parts have been washing up on Northeastern shores in the last 10 years. Plus there are all those body parts washing up in British Columbia. Jane adds this meaty haul of random ears, feet and hands to her list of reasons the ocean is gross. But Nina tells her lakes are much grosser because of their lack of a current. At this rate, the only place Jane will be able to show off her excellent swimming skills are pools. Does Maura have room for a pool in her townhouse?

Construction plans are on hold because another body part has drifted ashore. This time it’s a torso. Oh, can we play body part bingo this episode? What, I’m trying to pass the time because they’re keeping Jane and Maura apart way too much.

Maura is examining the torso—which looks a little like underdone roast beef—when the same pushy reporter runs up and asks if it’s the work of a serial killer. Jane doesn’t know, but does know there’s a leak in the department. And possibly that she also wants a roast beef sandwich. Hey, homicide detectives get desensitized to this stuff.

Mama R meanwhile is back at the Dirty Robber making herself useful by hammering holes into the wall. Beer delivery lady arrives with a fresh shipment of Blue Moon. See, Vince is opening a lesbian bar. I mean, why else would he stock up on every lesbian’s favorite mild-flavored Belgian white? What? I guess product placement works.

The deliverywoman keeps getting creep called by her boyfriend, Lewis, who is pushing for them to move in together. So Mama R drops some relationship wisdom on her. But first she confirms that, “Lewis is a man?” I know, I was getting a major ping off the beer lady, too.

Korsak and Jane pull up at the department but some bright red VW Thing is parked in his spot. Well, that’s random. I hope this nugget of parking inconvenience leads to a meaningful subplot point because otherwise, um, did they lose a bet and have to put the gaffer’s car on screen? Though the car’s presence does bring out Jane’s gearhead side, which is always welcome to see. Remember when she got under that car with power tools? Yeah, more of that, show.

Jane and Maura are checking out the chopped up parts. Jane asks her about the psychology of someone who cuts people up with a saw. Come on, Rizzoli, haven’t you watched any of the Saw movies? Jane says it takes a mix of passion and ruthlessness to be able to cut someone up, as Maura is cutting someone up. But don’t worry, she didn’t mean her girlfriend. This is cutting someone up for science—big difference.

Maura forgives her girlfriend’s faux pas but then stops her scalpeling because she smells something. Jane swears it wasn’t her. If you can’t share fart humor with your girlfriend then who can you? But Maura says it’s almonds and now they have to run out of the room and get naked. Hey, I see what she’s done. Anything to get Jane’s clothes off, eh Maura?

They watch from outside the autopsy room as a crew scrubs it clean from cyanide. The chemical was the cause of death for the severed torso — and rest of the body. Jane coughs a little, which gets Maura’s concerned senses up and she flashes a pen light at her. Jane tells her “that thing hurts my eyes as it has the last four times you used it.” Um, when else did Maura use it? And where else? Not to criticize technique, but wouldn’t a head lamp work better in those situations? Hands free. Just a suggestion.

At the Dirty Robber, Jane is being ignored by all of the 22-year-old waitresses Korsak has hired to staff the place. So Mama R just walks herself behind the bar to pour herself her own coffee refill. While there she happens to overhear some corporate dudebro on the phone telling his dudebro friends about his dudebro plans to propose to his girlfriend.

Mama R asks him what the plan is, because she’s under the impression that everyone is Jane and Maura and therefore everyone’s business is her business. She nixes his Rube Goldberg-machine proposal idea and gives him a beer. Settle in, dudebro, it’s time to learn about women. Trust her, she knows a lot of lesbians.

Jane goes to see Maura, now in her decontaminated clothes. Maura tells her she preferred her in the scrubs because they could play doctor better. I’m paraphrasing. Let’s think more about that scenario instead of that the two body parts came from two different people and other plot points that are meant to slowly reveal the identity of the killer.

The VW Thing subplot finally comes together as Frankie tells Jane they’ve uncovered the leak. Jane goes to take care of it personally because, you guessed it, like the car, it belongs to Chip the forensic artist. His walls are covered with drawings from his comic “Bostonia,” about a heightened version of our universe. He asks Jane if she’s going to yell at him like the “Angry Bear.” Calling Korsak a bear? That’s a pretty impressive gaydar for a shut-in in a dingy office. Anyway, he admits to the leaks but justifies it as just talking to a family member about work. If there was a cartoon thought bubble above Jane’s head right now it’d be filled with swearing characters like, “#$@&%*!”

The torso victim’s parents come to be interviewed and tell them about how their son turned to alternative medicine to treat his degenerative disease. In particular, he turned to some faith healer of sorts named Dr. Murray whose license was suspended and has also disappeared. But he left the murder weapon conveniently in the middle of what appears to be the treatment chair from Dollhouse.

Oh, man, this explains SO MUCH about this show. Prof. Jack Beard is obviously Victor from Dollhouse on an assignment. I’d wager all of Jane and Maura’s “boyfriends” were Actives. This is making so much more sense now.

Anyway, we’ll play along with the “plot” while we know it’s all just part of an elaborate system of mind erasure and memory implantation for various engagements of various lengths. Dr. Murray was treating patients with sound waves apparently. And he has an assistant helping him who the team is now looking for.

But first, it’s back to the bar. Hey, has anyone considered the possible ramifications of a cop owning a place called the Dirty Robber? Just wondering. Korsak rolls the jukebox back into its rightful spot and is greeted by the corporate dudebro and one of his corporate dudebro friends. They’ve come to get more relationship advice from Angela. But Korsak and his resume of being married three times doesn’t inspire their dudebro confidence. So they leave still puzzled by the mystery that is women. Yo, just pick up some Audre Lorde or Judith Butler or Anne Carson. It’ll do you and your dudebros good, dudebro.

Jane is in Maura’s office and they’re having a heart-to-heart disguised as case talk. But then dumb Frankie comes and interrupts them. Even when Senior Criminalist Susie Chang isn’t there, she’s there—in spirit. Frankie’s rude barging in is because they’ve found the assistant.

He is lying down on the sidewalk, and appears to be unnaturally pale—even for a ginger. Jane tries to ask him some questions while paramedics work on him, but then she gets a whiff of almond. Come on, Maura isn’t even there with you. Now I’m going to assume you just read too many of Susie’s nudist lifestyle pamphlets and want to disrobe as often as possible to see if it’s for you.

Alternately, she just really wanted to get another pair of scrubs on to continue that epic game of doctor she has been playing with Maura. Speaking of the real doctor, she meets a scrub-wearing Jane and Frankie at the Dirty Robber. When Frankie goes to hit on an attractive bar patron, Maura slips Jane her car keys. She tells her it’s because her disinfected clothes are in the trunk. But we all know why. Oh, we all know why.

Jane, fresh from Maura’s backseat, goes to see the sick assistant in the hospital. He prattles on about the miracles the doctor was performing with sound waves. But he says his treatments didn’t work on two people, so he killed them and chopped them up. Oh, have we mentioned the assistant is vehemently against Western medicine and wouldn’t let them take a tox screen and is now demanding his release? Not fishy at all. Nope, seems totally on the up and up.

The detectives go search the doctor’s house and they find similar running shoes with similar wear patterns in his closet to the one from the one that washed up on the beach. Also, Maura tells Jane that Susie didn’t find any cyanide in the assistant’s vomit — which, hello, thankless job. I mean, she didn’t even get any screentime for picking up puke, poor girl.

So our assistant has been lying and it’s probably Dr. Murray’s foot they found. But when they go to the hospital he has overpowered the officer who was guarding him and stolen his uniform. They decide to shut down the hospital and not let anyone out. Frankie gives a big speech about it and everything to security and staff. But then he fails to tell them about the stolen uniform so the guy breezes out anyway.

But, never fear, Big Sister is here to clean up after Little Brother’s oversight. As she and Korsak roll up they just happen to see the ginger assistant walking out in the cop uniform. It is so convenient, no, I’m actually thanking them for making it convenient because the sooner the crime is solved the sooner we get to the good stuff. He bluffs throwing a vial of cyanide at Korsak, but we all know it’s just filled with cookie flavoring ingredients. And so Det. Jane Rizzoli gets her man. But, you know, in a totally gay way.

Also, can we all take a knee and just appreciate the thing of beauty that is Jane in those sunglasses. I’ll pass around some Gatorade and we can all rehydrate because, ladies, I know you’re THIRSTY.

So the gang all assembles at the Dirty Robber for drinks. But Korsak has to handle a little bar business first. The 22-year-old who dropped off her resume earlier comes in to check on the job and he tells her it’s been filled already. Frankie says the woman he hired must be spectacular and there’s talk of her being the next Mrs. Rizzoli. But, small problem, she is the current Mrs. Rizzoli. So that was an uncomfortable Oedipal moment for the whole family.

So now Mama R is a bartender and Korsak says the drinks are on the house and Jane obviously wants tequila shots with three limes. So someone wants to play tipsy doctor later. OK, keeping things fresh.

Before the drinks can arrive, Chip the comic guy walks in looking for Jane. He is there to thank her for getting him fired, but for real. Like he hugs her and everything. Maura would be jealous, but mostly she is just reveling on how much this male attention is unwanted by her girlfriend, as it should be.

But Chip isn’t just there to get too handsy. He is there to tell Jane she was the inspiration for the new character to his comic, a vigilant heroine who fights for truth and justice regardless of the rules. It’s getting published and everything. So, that sound you hear is gay women everywhere preordering their copies of “Bostonia.”

And now for your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. The writers did their best to keep our couple apart. But don’t worry, you all worked around it.

– mirettesvertes (@mirettesvertes) February 25, 2015

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