Our story thus far: Within two weeks, Carol and Helen went from sharing a kiss to sharing a bed, to sharing matching jewelry, to sharing the worst pet names in the history pet names.
Today, Carol and her team are discussing one of their shows. No, it’s not Scrunchie and the Pubes, two hot crime-solving ladies who shamelessly flirt with each other while everyone pretends that’s normal. Because that show already exists and it’s called Rizzoli and Isles.
Carol’s meeting is cut short when she’s summoned to Helen’s office. Carol excuses herself, leaving behind a wake of shared, knowing glances. Everyone in Hollywood probably knows by now.
In her office, Helen is grinning like she just heard a gay rumor about Taylor Schilling. She points to a small box on her desk. Carol nervously opens it as Helen watches with proud anticipation.
Nope, it’s not matching thumb rings.
The house key. You shouldn’t have. Seriously. You should not have. Carol is speechless. “No one has ever… I can’t even… I can’t…”
…breathe!
Carol freaks out all over Beverly. It’s been two weeks! Too much, too fast, too soon! Is there such a thing as “too weeks?” This is what it would look like.
Carol: Oooh, and did I tell you? She already invited me to Stanford for her daughter’s graduation.
Bev: Aww!
Carol: In June.
Bev: Well, that not so…
Carol: No. Not this June. Next June.
In other news, Helen also has two tickets on hold for Driving Miss Daisy starring Elle Fanning.
This is the best relationship Carol has ever had, so why is she wigging out? How does she tell someone, “Less love, please”? Carol’s repressed feelings are coming out as actual hives, which are never a good relationship-related skin condition. A rash, maybe. A rug burn, definitely. But hives? Hives are nature’s way of telling you to run.
Bev gently introduces Carol to the concept of honesty. Just tell Helen to slow her roll. Carol considers giving truth a whirl, for once. Just then, Helen calls. Where are you? Carol immediately claims she’s at the dentist. Meh. It’s a process.
Later at “home,” Helen is plating take-out for dinner while Carol self-medicates with a doob the size of a Sharpie. Helen announces they should a dog. We get a rare glimpse into Carol’s childhood: They had bird named Louise and her sister taught it to say, “We’re going to crash!”
Carol asks where would the dog live? Every lesbian worth her L Word box set knows where this is going. Helen assumes Carol is going to U-Haul it into her place.
Helen: What I was thinking was, we get rid of all my shit, and re-do the whole thing together.
Carol: What? That’s crazy!
Helen: No it’s not! Not if you’re going to live here! Or! Or, we buy a whole new place… Oh, what about the beach! Image the two of us coming home from work and there’s the ocean, there’s the sunset, and the puppy’s waiting for us…
Carol: [choking] WE’RE GOING TO CRASH!
Maybe it’s Bev’s advice, maybe it’s the smoky courage, but Carol finally admits it’s all too, too much. Carol tells Helen she’s great but she can’t move this damn fast. Carol’s foray into truthiness is met with the Stone Cold Glare of Death.
Helen starts putting away the Chinese food in a huff. “I just assumed you were where I was,” Helen snipes, as she slaps the lo mein back into its carton. So, dinner is off?
Carol hates confrontation more than low ratings and starts backpedaling. She is where Helen is, just behind her, like 50 miles back, into last Thursday. Helen is unmoved. Finally, Carol plays the last card she has: the ‘this-is-all-so-new-to-me card. But it only makes things worse when it sounds like Carol’s lumping Helen in with the guys she’s used to. Except the sex part, of course. “Believe me, I’m loving all that stuff.”
Ya know. Down there.
Helen gives Carol the silent treatment, which is the worst thing you can do to anyone. Finally, Carol softens and admits she’s scared by how much she cares for Helen. Bingo. Helen smiles and hugs her. Dinner is back on.
The hug is short-lived. Carol mentions her chat with Beverly. Helen backs off and warns Carol that Beverly is not on their side. Why? Because Beverly is in love with Carol. That is the craziest thing Helen has said all day, and that’s saying something. Carol replies that Beverly is straight, and hello? Married! Helen scoffs, “Oh please, look at her hair.”
She’s not wrong.
Next week: Will Helen’s love drive Carol to buy a lifetime supply of Cortizone 10 in the name of happiness? Only two more episodes left.
