“Rizzoli and Isles” Subtext Recap (5.13): The Bridge of Gayzzoli County

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Previously on “Rizzoli & Isles“: Jane jumped off a bridge. Maura was very upset that Jane jumped off a bridge. No one really cared much that the guy from “Battlestar Galactica” fell off a bridge.

So Jane is dead. Yeah, she totally died jumping off that bridge. What did you think was going to happen? That kind of fall kills people. Actions have consequences. We’re now just watching Isles, which still has Sasha Alexander’s great hair but is definitely missing Angie Harmon’s sex voice. Brave of them to carry on solo though. The story of a widowed medical examiner solving crimes in memory of her deceased detective wife is unprecedented in American television. KIDDING.

Duh, Jane is alive. But Maura doesn’t know that yet. Crews are still searching the water, because the writers think our suspension of disbelief is infinite. Frankie looks more worried about Maura than he does about Jane, which is telling. Ever the good brother he knows Jane would want him to look after Maura if anything were to happen to her.

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Maura is beating herself up about letting Jane jump. Oh, please, everyone knows Jane Rizzoli is wrapped around Maura Isles’ little finger. So if she asked Jane to not jump, Jane would–wait, hold up: Maybe this is all Maura’s fault.

So Maura and Frankie keep wringing their hands and pulling for Jane to just keep swimming. Finally, my dream of crossing over Rizzoli & Isles with Finding Nemo is complete. Jane is Nemo, who is lost in the big ocean. Maura is Marlin, determined to find the one she loves. She’ll be helped by Bruce the shark (Mama Rizzoli–please, we’ve all seen her go black eyes when she is angry), Nigel the pelican (Frankie–look at those gangly doppelgängers), Peach the starfish (Senior Criminalist Susie Chang–always looking to find a happy place when she catches Jane and Maura flirting) and of course ditzy, lovable Dory (Giovanni–you can’t help but love that idiot). Oh, and Professor Jack Beard is those damn seagulls who keep insisting things that aren’t really theirs are “Mine!”

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Anyway, fast forward to the end and a fisherman scoops Jane up out of the big bad ocean and the relief on the faces of Marlin and Nigel, er, Maura and Frankie is palpable. A soggy Jane and the Package Prosecutor (Jamie Bamber, in case you forgot) emerge from the boat alive and relatively well. Good thing Frankie mentions those swimming lessons they had as kids to explain how she could have possibly survived an entire night bobbing in the Charles River.

Jane embraces Maura in the hug to end all hugs and says, “I’ve never been so happy to see you. Just wait until we get home tonight and I’ll show you exactly how happy I am.” Maura holds on extra tight for extra long, but then realizing they’re in public and that Jane is still uncomfortable with being out she releases quickly and leaves with a curt, “I’ll see you back at the office.”

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Jane’s like, oh shit, I’m on the Bad Girlfriend list again, aren’t I? And Korsak, who saw the whole thing, gives her the, yep, you sure are. In fact, Jane is so much in the doghouse with Maura she has to sleep at her own apartment. It’s that bad, folks. Mama Rizzoli confirms Maura’s anger but tries to reassure Jane that it is because, “she was probably embarrassed to be feeling that way in front of everyone.” Wait, who feels ashamed about expressing their feelings for another person in public? People who are still in the closet, that’s who.

Mama R tells Jane she makes life difficult for the people who love her. Jane wants to know if her mom is mad at her, too, like Maura. But Mama R says she has come to accept her “job” and the way she does it. We all know “job” means “sexual orientation” here, right?

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The next day, Jane comes into Maura’s office bearing a gift. Yes, she brought her “best friend” a make-up present. But, you know, they’re not dating. Yes, the present is her “best friend’s” favorite perfume. But, you know, they’re not dating. Maura finally relents. I mean, you can only continue your passive-aggressive anger at your girlfriend for nearly getting herself killed for so long.

Maura asks her if she thought about “any of us” before jumping in. And Jane tells her that no, she didn’t think about her–in particular. Well, that isn’t going to help the doghouse situation. But she clarifies that she didn’t think about herself either; she was just doing her job. Maura tells her that’s the instinct that makes her such a good cop, but such a terrible girlfriend. Jane concedes it makes her, “Maybe a bit hard to love.” And Maura confesses that she was, “Just afraid I lost you.” I mean, come on. Are they just stealing from fan-fic at will now?

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Maura is still beating herself up for not doing enough to stop Jane from jumping. You know, like you would if your girlfriend jumped off a damn bridge in front of you. Jane recognizes Maura’s condition as survivor’s guilt from the pamphlet she skimmed from the seminar she skipped. Maura asks Jane if she was scared of dying while she was jumping. Jane confesses that her life did flash before her eyes and she realized there were so many things she still wanted to do.

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