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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.20): Flashdance

Welcome to the recap of Pretty Little Liars, the show where angry dancing and art theft constitute a normal school night, and Aria gets stuck in a tree like a wombat.

We open with the Liars ransacking Mike’s bedroom for incriminating A material. Instead, we find out that Mike has jock itch, lifts a lot of weights, and is hiding a necklace in his smelly gym socks. Also, the necklace means something in morse code/beats and I don’t fully understand it but Spencer has a morse code app so don’t worry she’s on it. Spencer almost finds the fridge blood, but is distracted by Aria who has basically become the Dawn Summers of this show.

The next day at Brew 2.0, Emily finds Talia on the phone with Pam Fields talking cobbler recipes. Talia is psyched to be making friends with her boo’s mom, but Emily wants to make sure they are taking it slow. Just her, Talia, and her husband. They kiss and Talia asks if Emily wakes up this beautiful, and a million lesbians scream OBVIOUSLY, TALIA. OBVIOUSLY.

Mike walks into the Brew and orders two coffees, because he has to be all of the awake. Emily tries to talk to him, but he’s in no mood to share.

Meanwhile, Spencer and Jonny (he even spells his name annoyingly) are hanging out at Hollis smoking clove cigarettes and playing bongo drums. Toby wants to know what they are up to, because every conversation with him is now an investigation. He blows Spencer off again because being a Rosewood cop is time consuming, what with all the murder and ghosts and killer ice cream factories.

Hanna swings by Caleb’s place to spin out over college money and her decision to enter the beauty pageant. He thinks it’s a terrible idea because #feminism but Hanna is desperate to leave Rosewood and if she has to Vaseline her teeth and put hairspray on her butt cheeks then damnit, that’s what she’s gonna do!

Spencer and Jonny stroll down the street when they see their vandalism/art hanging in an art gallery. The snooty gallery owner informs them that he owns the art, as he saved it from getting trashed. I’m pretty sure this is illegal, but my Art Law knowledge is not as strong as my Carnie Law background.

Over at the Montgomery house, Andrew is quizzing Aria on the trial of the century, and I legit wondered why they were studying the O.J. Simpson trial. Actually, they’re studying the first time a psychiatric defense was used in U.S. court, which is worth learning since Rosewood High has a study abroad program at Radley.

Mike comes in all pissy that Aria went through his things, and he flips literally the smallest table I’ve ever seen and storms out. Aria asks Andrew if he can follow Mike to the gym and spy on him, and he does because he’s hoping to get all up in those accessories.

Hanna meets with a pageant coach and re-enacts the interview scene from Miss Congeniality. Actually, she is unable to form an opinion about anything. Jeez Hanna, make a vowel sound or something. She tells the coach that her talent will be dance, which is news to us all.

Emily immediately gets a text from Hanna demanding that she bust out her tap shoes, and Emily is obvs on board. Then some nerd shows up looking for Talia, and of course it’s Eric, Talia’s husband.

He realizes who Emily is, and it is AWKward, but he assures her that he supports his wife’s experimentation/one time thing and he’s not going anywhere. He also talks about their gay bike ride, and Emily literally describes her time with Talia as “an easy ride.” You just got served, Eric!

Meanwhile, Mike leaves a legit Boo Radley gift in a tree hole because this show fucking gets us.

Emily picks up Hanna for dance practice, and we find out that Emily spent her childhood dancing before she realized that all the gay girls were on the swim team. She then casually asks Ashley Marin if it’s OK to date someone who you don’t see a future with, and Ashley is all ” the only future I see is me cradling a box of Merlot like a baby, so whatever.”

Andrew tells Aria about Mike’s tree treasures, and offers to take her to the tree. Aria turns him down, instead asking him to describe the tree. Best of luck with that one, Montgomery. Andrew assures her that he/his penis is there for her should she need them.

Jonny asks to borrow Spencer’s toolbox because he wants to break into the art gallery and steal back his work. She tries to stop him for 45 seconds before grabbing her black beanie and hopping into the getaway car. Petty crime is the new study speed, apparently.

Caleb watches Emily and Hanna dance to “Bang Bang” and it is basically a Hanily wet dream come to life. He also brings them two cheesesteaks, which strikes me as the worst possible food to eat before a dance performance.

Hanna is stressed out about dancing for her coach, but she really loses it when she finds out that her stepsister Kate will also be competing in the pageant. After losing her father and her college fund to Kate, Hanna isn’t about to lose that crown. She smacks the hoagie out of poor Emily’s hands and demands they get back to work.

Spencer and Jonny pull up in the mystery machine and Jonny tries to pick the lock of the art gallery. Spencer quickly takes over and breaks in like a pro. Further proof that you don’t send a boy to do a Spencer Hastings job. Jonny and Spencer take the art off the walls, set off an alarm, and speed off into the night.

Meanwhile, Aria goes clomping around in Mona’s backyard in the darkness looking for a tree different from all other trees. She finds the mystery tree and then gets attacked by bats.

Spencer and Jonny are at a gas station when Officer Toby pulls up to investigate. He sees the art in the van and proceeds to arrest Jonny. Spencer is furious and wails at Toby to just be cool, but he coldly tells her to walk away and maybe try to go a week without a felony.

It’s time for Hanily to show off their dance routine for the pageant coach! It starts out well enough with ALL of the gyrating, until Hanna starts thinking of Kate and dances so fast she bursts into flames like she’s an extra in Once More With Feeling.

Hanna gyrates, krumps, kicks, and spins around on the floor in what scientists will one day call the whitest break dancing ever. It is magical and GIFable and pretty much the best thing that has ever happened on television.

Unfortunately, the pageant coach is not impressed with Hanna’s stylish flailing, and says she isn’t pageant material.

Hanna is too angry and raw and doesn’t have enough secrets to be successful in the pageant world, so the coach drops her. She then offers to coach Emily, and Hanna storms out in despair.

Meanwhile, Aria is still stuck in that fucking tree.

Emily tries to chase down Hanna, who drives off. Talia pops out of some bushes and wants to get her mack on, but Emily shoots her down because she isn’t interested in being someone’s experimental fling. She says she’s not into girls because it’s trendy; she’s into girls because she’s a big old homo. Well played, Emily.

Back in the Tree of Despair, Aria has finally managed to climb up two branches and finds a vial of blood in the tree hole. Mike catches her and they start fighting. We find out that the blood is Mona’s, and Aria breaks the vial and runs away.

Back at Casa Marin, Hanna is angrily nomming on pizza and her own dance failures. Emily is like, “wtf dude, you were my ride” and tells Hanna that she wants to enter the pageant and win for her. To reiterate: Emily Fields will be entering a beauty pageant to win her friend some college money because she loves her. I have friends I consider soul mates, but if any of those bitches asked me to enter a pageant I would laugh them out the damn door. Also, it was A who signed Kate’s name on the sheet just to fuck with Hanna’s head.

Jonny gets bailed out by Mrs. Hastings, but it costs him his rent and security deposit, so he is getting evicted from the barn. Spencer is heartbroken that she has no one to make sweet sweet crime with, and Jonny kisses her and leaves, hopefully forever.

Aria runs into her own home screaming for Byron, and Mike catches up to her and finally spills the truth. We get a flashback of Mike finding Mona’s medical grade room fridge (which you’d think someone would have noticed) and finds out that she’s been banking her own blood.

Mona had made a deal with A that she would fake her own death and frame Ali for the crime. Once Ali was arrested, Mona would find out who A was, then rush back to Rosewood to tell the Liars and finally free them the tyranny of an omnipresent madperson.

But Mona hasn’t shown up at any of Mike’s meeting places, and he realizes that A must have double-crossed Mona and killed her for realsies. He cries and Aria cries and we all cry to the heavens that somewhere/somehow Mona is alive but she isn’t because we saw her dead body in that car trunk OR DID WE??

The Liars finally get it into their beautiful dumb heads that Ali isn’t A, and now they have to figure out how to face her/possibly exonerate her.

Meanwhile, A stalks around Mike’s room and lifts some weights and maybe/definitely steals that jock itch cream for later.

Are you guys excited for the big A reveal? I really hope it’s Tippi and Pepe doing the Muppet Man with an oversized trench coat. Tweet me your theories @chelseaprocrast

Big thanks to Nicole @PLLBigA for her awesome screencaps, I will steal art for her any day of the week.

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