“Episodes” recap (406): Little Pubey

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Last week on Episodes: Carol found out that Helen once slept with Merc.  Helen found out he thinks she has anti-Semitic twat (don’t ask) and added him to her secret shit list. And Carol got a glimpse of how intense Helen can be.

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It’s another gorgeous day in LA and Carol is out hiking in Griffith Park with Beverly. They haven’t seen each other in forever because Carol has fallen down the Lesbian Rabbit Hole of Togetherness. “I can’t remember the last time I slept in my own bed!” she tells Beverly with giddy glee. Too bad Beverly doesn’t do giddy.

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Carol proudly shows off her new ankle monitor bracelet. Helen has a matching one. They’ve been together for one week. One. Week. Here’s the schedule, if case you lost yours:

LESBIAN TIME TABLE

  • One week: Matching jewelry
  • Two weeks: Phone passcode share
  • Three weeks: House key swap
  • Four weeks: Tattoo of her name
  • Five weeks: U-Haul rental
  • Six weeks: Engagement rings
  • Seven weeks: Restraining orders
  • Seven weeks, two days: Covering her name with a very dark unicorn

ep406_img3Week One: right on schedule

Carol loves the attention and downplays Helen’s oddly inappropriate generosity. She’s just happy to be with someone who doesn’t make her perform oral while wearing someone else’s wedding dress. Straight people are weird.

Twenty yards from the parking lot, Carol’s phone rings. Guess who? Beverly’s hike is ruined as Carol wanders away, looking for the best cell reception so she can talk to the woman she left 15 minutes ago. Bossexual people are weird, too.

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