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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.19): DNA and the Down Low

Welcome to this recap of Pretty Little Liars, the show where these damn girls avoid being framed by murder by wrapping their DNA in a pretty package and handing it over to strangers. CLASSIC mistake.

We open at the Rosewood blood drive, where the Red Cross has rejected Emily’s (probably flawless) blood because she’s gay/spent that summer in Haiti. One of those things is true on the show, and both of things are true in the real world. Unfortunately, no blood means no cookie, so Emily is forced to give her snacks to Spencer and Aria, thus fulfilling every food-related fanfic in the Northern hemisphere.

Ashley is running the blood drive, where she has to deal with teens with low blood sugar and Judgy McChurchface ladies giving her shade. You know who NEVER gives Ashley side eye? Pinot Grigio.

The Liars spot Mike fucking with the blood fridge and, even worse, dropping a plate of cookies on the floor. Emily must be SO pissed off.

Later at school, the Liars pressure Aria to get answers from Mike, but she’d rather pretend it isn’t happening. Besides, she has a math test, because apparently she’s a student now. Aria’s brain freezes during the test (maybe it has to do with being down a pint) and copies her answers off of Andrew.

You remember Andrew: the hunky whiz kid who gave study drugs to Spencer and then she threw her bra at him that one time? Well, he immediately busts Aria for cheating and tells her he’ll tutor her instead. He kind of blackmails her into accepting his tutoring, which is weird. Whatever, far be it from me to stand between these girls and any sort of education.

Hanna asks Spencer about financial aid, and Spencer tells her that she doesn’t qualify because Mr. Marin is making too much money. This is what happens when you report your earnings to the IRS instead of stuffing them in pasta boxes and bottles of Merlot.

Meanwhile, Emily and Talia are biking through an empty summer camp, which reads like the best version of lesbian Mad Libs. Talia tells Emily about her first kiss with frog-faced boy, and it’s amazing that Emily can hear her story over the sound of every lesbian on Earth screaming that bikes and woods are a Paige McCullers thing and HOW DARE YOU TALIA.

Talia wants to know Emily’s biggest fear, and Emily is all, “I don’t know, some days it’s tooth bracelets, some days it’s steroid cream massages. Who’s to say?”

They agree that they both have secrets and they wanna keep them and instead decide to make out with each other’s faces.

Over at Casa Marin, Ashley tells Hanna that she said yes to Ted AND told him about banging Jason. Now Ted is taking time to think and Ashley is sad. I know we’re supposed to be rooting for Ted, but he and Ashley have zero chemistry and he proposed with a fucking cookie so fuck that guy.

Aria is on the phone with Spencer, and begs her not to jump to any crazy A conclusions. Girl, that’s like telling a rainbow not to be rainbow. Spencer LIVES for this shit. Aria reminds Spencer of the time she thought Melissa was A, and Spencer is like, “Well, she did bury someone to protect me, so six of one, ya know?”

Johnny Dumpster shows up to raid the fridge and invites Spencer to paint a midnight mural with him at Hollis. Seems legit, said no one ever.

Aria answers Mike’s cell and it’s a collect call from prison from”Hank Mahoney” aka Ali. Aria interrupts Mike’s weight lifting to demand what the fuck is going on. Aria tells him he’s being manipulated by Ali, but Mike refuses to tell her anything and slams the door in her face. Maybe they should bench Aria and send Hanna to interrogate Mike; they used to make out, so maybe he’d talk to her?

Spencer and Johnny go to paint their mural and look adorable in their headlamps. Johnny talks about his failed relationships and they discuss failure in general. Spencer admits that she quits things she can’t excel at, and never does anything just because she loves it. I’m all for Spencer having these deep thoughts, I just wish they weren’t with this asshat.

Hanna tells Ashley about her plan to get college cash from her dad, but Ashley tells her it’s a no go. She also doesn’t want Hanna to tell her dad she’s unemployed/banged her baby faced boss. Fair enough.

Over at Brew 2.0, Emily finds Ezra doing paperwork. She tells him that Aria got accepted to Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) which he didn’t know. Emily looks at Talia’s employment file, and sees that she has two different last names. Ezra tells her that’s because Talia is married! To a man! Welcome to the down low, Emily.

Spencer and Johnny have finished their mural, and Johnny tells Spencer to literally color outside the lines GET IT BC ART IS A METAPHOR. She then falls off the ladder and into his arms, and it’s supposed to be a moment but he’s gross and I just can’t.

Meanwhile, Mike is IMing with Hank Mahoney, which is crazy because who even uses IM anymore? Google chat or GTFO, am I right? We also see that Mike is storing the Liars’ blood samples in a fake energy drink can. It’s just like that time Newman stored those dinosaur embryos in that shaving can in Jurassic Park, so hopefully this saga will end with Mike getting spit in the face by a frilly dinosaur.

The next day, Spencer is pissed because she finds out that they vandalized Hollis because midnight murals aren’t a fucking thing that exists. Spencer is furious that she was tricked into doing some illegal, although by now you’d think she’d be used to it. She angrily screams that she was arrested for murder and does not have time to deal with vandalism charges or statement art.

Meanwhile, Andrew is tutoring Aria, who can’t pay attention with all the texting/drama/too heavy earrings. Andrew makes a dig about Fitz not being good at science and math, which is pretty true since we just saw him struggling with payroll for his only two employees. He then confiscates Aria’s phone and forces her to learn math in the process, which makes me think of all the things the Liars could accomplish if someone took their fucking phones away. These girls could be Fulbright scholars.

Over in the Brew 2.0 kitchen, Talia is trying to feed Emily some dessert, but Ems is having none of it. Emily Fields is NOBODY’S side piece and she demands to know what the fuck Talia is up to. Before she can explain herself, Ezra walks in and asks if everything is alright. OBVIOUSLY IT ISN’T EZRA, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

Emily hops on her Huffy bike and rides away in a huff, but stops when she sees Mike at an ATM. He withdraws a big wad of cash and Emily snags his receipt when he leaves. Apparently Mike is taking money from an account with nearly 20 grand in it.

Back at Casa Montgomery, Aria is amazed by Andrew’s ability to do all the things all the time: tutoring, baseball, learning Spanish. How does he do it? The answer, of course, is Adderall, but she doesn’t know that.

Emily shows up to tell Aria about Mike’s money, and they agree that they need to follow Mike to see what’s up. Unfortunately, Emily only has a bike and Aria says she’s not riding on her handle bars, which is pretty hilarious. Guys, Aria can be really funny. Remember when she said “bitch can see!” about Jenna? Girl got jokes.

They try to borrow Andrew’s car, but neither of them knows how to drive a stick shift. #lesbianstickshiftjoke.

Meanwhile, Hanna is visiting her dad, who is impressed that Hanna got into college at all. Apparently he still sees her as a 12 year old obsessed with donuts, and doesn’t take her seriously. He tells her that he’s already promised Kate the money for Dartmouth, so there’s nothing left for Hanna. Hanna storms out in tears.

Spencer emails Melissa and says that they have a lot to talk about, but mainly she needs to know if Wren still has contacts at Oxford. Spencer is back on the college track, but a part of her still enjoyed all that art crime. She gets a call from Aria and Emily and agrees to meet them to follow Mike.

In the car, Andrew wants to know why they are tailing Mike, and Emily tells him that they think Mike is on the drugs. They arrive at a country cafĂ©, where Andrew offers to help, but they tell him thanks for the ride and scamper off to spy on Mike. They watch as Mike meets with Hank Mahoney aka Cyrus, Ali’s fake kidnapper. Mike gives him an envelope, most likely full of Liar blood.

Hanna visits the Brew 2.0 in tears, and is comforted by Ezra. Ezra tells her that his family thought he was an idiot too, and expected nothing from him. But when he was cut off, he put himself through school with loans, jobs, and brief stint as the best damn dancing hot dog in Pennsylvania.

And eventually, he earned enough money to set up an elaborate stalking operation to spy on his teenage girlfriend and all her friends! Success! Sitting out a recon mission and chatting with Ezra…is Hanna the new Aria? On her way out, Hanna spies a poster for the Glass Slipper Collective, a beauty pageant scholarship program which is not, as its name suggests, a Tumblr for Disney Princess Erotica.

Spencer joins Aria and Emily and they spy on the guys from behind a car. They catch each other up on relationship drama, and Spencer is all “I know you miss Paige but at least your love life isn’t a mess” and Emily rolls her eyes because she can’t even begin to respond to this business.

They get a group text from A thanking them for the free evidence with a picture of their blood samples. They are so distracted by the text that they totally miss Mike leaving the diner. Cyrus starts chasing them down on his motorcycle, but the Liars form an impenetrable line just like they did that time Ali got arrested. Apparently A’s Achilles heel is three teen girls in a line?

They confront Cyrus and try to work out a trade with him, but before they can do that Andrew swings in with a baseball bat and Cyrus flees the scene. Poor Andrew thinks he saved the Liars, but really they’re like, “Fuck, bro. Thanks for nothing.”

Back at Casa Marin, Hanna tells Ashley that her dad won’t pay for college. Ashley tells Hanna they’ll figure it all out, and Hanna tells Ashley she needs to fight for Pastor Ted and win his love. Meh.

Spencer realizes she’s been eating Johnny’s frozen food this whole time and apologizes. She tells him that she had fun making art but she has boundaries and he’s like, yeah me too, as he rifles through their fridge and steals their garbage.

Emily bikes home and Talia shows up to explain herself. She tells Emily that she met her husband in high school and they married too young. She says she still loves him, but it’s not romantic. He knows she’s attracted to women and wants her to be true to herself. Emily asks her why she’s not divorced, and Talia tells her that he’s her best friend. Not a good reason, but OK.

Talia says she knows her sitch is complicated but she really likes Emily and wanted to apologize. Emily tells her she has shit she’s not ready to share either (like the time she killed a guy) and they hold hands. What does this mean for their future together? Also, how old is Talia and why is she scamming on high school girls?

The Liars all sleep over at Spencer’s house because Aria is scared to go home to Mike. They worry about their DNA being in A’s hands and regret that they didn’t spend the summer in Haiti with Emily. Get in line, girls. Meanwhile, Mike watches them creepily from the window.

We see A watching the Haleb crime video and pouring Hanna’s blood on the evidence. Uh oh, spaghettios! Looks like Hanna is getting framed for murder!

So, what did you think of last night’s episode? Hit me up @chelseaprocrast

Big thanks to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for meeting me in a greasy swamp diner and slipping me some screencaps in an unmarked envelope!

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