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“The Fosters” recap (2.15): I pinky swear I am up to something good

Previously on The Fosters, the Adams Fosters went camping, broke rules, learned Hayley is indeed a nutter, spilled a bunch of secrets (Ana is pregnant!, Jesús has a stupid tattoo!) made some s’mores, and treated Jude like a toddler.

Jesús is at the doctor’s with Lena to get rid of that dumbass tattoo. He suggests that maybe he should just get a giant dragon to cover it up. Lena isn’t messing around. The boy is getting that thing removed and she does her best to try not to look pleased that he’s going to suffer for his stupidity.

The kids give Jesús grief for being the moron until Stef suggests they go around the table and talk about all the dumb shit each one of them has done. Jude grabs some popcorn. Brandon picks this moment to ask if he can go on tour the moms say yes and then Mariana chimes in with a laundry list of all the dumb crap Brandon has done in the past year. Stef says he can go if he agrees to their four hundred conditions.

Brandon tells the band all the conditions. He tells them they have to stay in motels or else the tour is off. Mat laughs and says, “No, bro. That only means you can’t come.” Brandon can’t believe the band he joined several months ago would consider leaving him, and his Mr. Rogers’ camo cardigan, behind. Inconceivable!

The twins are bickering in the bathroom. Jesús can’t believe Mariana narc-ed on him about his tattoo. She can’t believe she had to hear about Ana’s bun in the oven from Hayley. She doesn’t want anything to do with Ana anymore but Jesús asks about the baby. Doesn’t she want to have a relationship with their brother or sister?

Jude clomps down to the kitchen to make a late night pb&j. Callie wants to know why Connor never comes over any more. Jude say they had a fight but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He has some advice for Callie. Maybe she could just pretend to like Robert. Maybe if she plays along he will back off and let her stay with the Adams Fosters. Yeah, because it was playing along that worked so well this far.

The moms are getting ready for bed and Stef is limbering up for another screw-up. She asks Lena about her day, listens for half a sentence then launches into a monologue (not the vagina kind) about how Mike is stupid for letting Ana live with him and proposes half a dozen ways she can meddle with his life in ways that are entirely inappropriate. Lena speak for us all when she tells Stef to shut up about Mike. Stef tries to recover but Lena’s tired. They mumble half-hearted “I love yous” and go to bed.

Callie is shopping for something for Sophia that says, “I totally still hate your guts for ruining my life but I am sorry you want to kill yourself” and costs less than 20 bucks. It’s a tall order. But, no worries, the shopkeeper has the perfect idea, a pair of hairpins with ponies on them. She notices the bracelet Jude got Callie for Christmas and then remember Callie bought a little toy around the same time. This is some creepy A shenanigans. I don’t trust you, girl with the sturdy glasses.

Ana is bustling around Mike’s kitchen, fetching food for him and chatting about what she wants to name the baby. She’s a regular Mrs. Pattmore. She likes the name Isabella. Mike seems to like it too and offers to drive her to her doctor’s appointment later.

Creepy talker Stef is waiting outside an AA meeting. She scurries up to Mike’s sponsor and begins the meddling. Stef, this is a terrible choice.

In science class, Connor tells Jude he was totally looking for him and Jude’s little face lights up only to be crushed when Connor asks to swap lab partners. Jude’s cool with it. His new lab partner is Taylor. She’s basically the girl equivalent of the Judicorn. I hope she stays forever.

Emma bounces of to Jesús and asks him how his studying is going. The wrestling coach wants to know but is so scared of Lena he refuses to talk to Jesús himself. Jesús has been spending more time studying since he broke up with Hayley. Emma suggests he get himself a tutor, maybe one who looks an awful lot like “Tutor Girl” from One Tree Hill. Just a suggestion, Foster.

Jude carries his well-balanced lunch out to the sea of picnic tables at lunch time. Daria waves him over and he ponders whether he’s allowed to sit with Connor after their fight and lingering weirdness over what happened in that tent. Daria says they should all go to the movies as a group. Jude balks, he has to ask him moms and maybe check in with Connor on the whole “I don’t want to be friends with a little bitch” thing. You know, the usual details. When Daria and Taylor curry off to talk in the bathroom, Jude tells Connor that he can say his moms won’t let him go. Connor is all “I don’t care if you come, dude.” Jude is surprised that Connor is with Daria since he didn’t know he liked…. girls, or Daria, or whatever makes this all less weird. Connor says Daria is hot and leaves it at that. The boys stare and smile at each other and laugh about how they will be the only dudes at the movie and dammit they are the cutest thing.

Mat is waiting at Mariana’s locker so they can have lunch together. She has other shit to do like meet with Tia so they can work on their dance for the competition, and later she will be busy coding for her STEM club because she’s super brainy and she has hobbies and interest that she has to nurture because her boyfriend is going on tour for the summer. People leaving is the shape her Boggart turns into so she shouts Riddikulus! at Mat and his lame sandwich and tell them that maybe they should break up.

Outside the precinct Stef hops out of her cruiser and Mike starts yelling about how wrong it was for her to go to his sponsor. She is so over the line that the line is just a dot to her. Stef gets self-righteous about protecting her kids and they scream some more. Stef storms off and Mike calls Ana to say he got waylaid by that woman her boyfriend shot that one time and who thinks Ana is maybe not the best influence. Ana say they can reschedule the appointment, hangs up, and then reveal that Mariana has come for a visit. I’m not sure Mariana understands the meaning of “I’ll never see her again.”

Daphne doesn’t understand why Callie can’t cut Robert a break. He’s just a parent who wants to see his kid. Callie asks Daphne about Tasha and it turns out Daphne has a visit with the little nugget this weekend but is a little worried that Tasha might remember that time when Daphne kidnapped her from the playground.

Ana asks if the moms know Mariana is there because they don’t want them to see each other unsupervised. Mariana is there to see the baby. Ana say it’s a girl and Mariana starts to cry a little. Ana isn’t cut out to be a mother she says. She doesn’t want another little girl to feel like she isn’t enough and to worry constantly that people are going to leave her. Maybe Ana can’t give a child what she needs. Maybe that’s not her fault. But this baby deserves better than that. I love how far Mariana has come. She was a spoiled brat in the first season but has morphed into one of the MVPs of the Adams Foster household. Best of all that’s what teenager do, they change (sometimes minute-to-minute).

Jesús wants to know if Jude has a date. He doesn’t, he’s just going to the movies with Connor and two girls in a group. Jesús laughs because that’s what people say they are doing when they want to go make out at the movies. Jude isn’t so sure about all of that or the stinky ass cologne Jesús sprays all over him.

Lena opens the door and finds Emma. She’s a bit confused but Jesús promises her that Emma is just there to tutor him, then invites Emma upstairs. Lena suggests the dining room for studying and then tells Jesús he sure smells nice. “I just showered!” he protests. Showered in a bottle of cologne.

Robert rings the doorbell and Lena regards him with all the warmth she would shower on a flaming baggie of dog poop. Stef stands there with her hands folded across her chest and accepts Robert’s compliment on their lovely home and notes that Callie likes it. Callie kisses the moms good-bye and tells them both that she loves them. Lena flings the door shut and Stef disappears to stomp out her feelings because she can’t control this situation.

Emma speaks a magical language that helps Jesús understand math. He thanks her and apologizes for making some terrible decisions over the past few months. She forgives him and he takes that as a sign to kiss her. Oh good lord, you dope. After you’re done with math maybe she can explain not being gross. He proves they can be friends by lifting up his shirt to show her the Hayley tattoo. She can’t believe his tactic, but it’s oddly effective. She will never find him attractive again and he will never try to make a move again. Dear lord, thank you for making me gay.

Robert is dazzling Callie with his knowledge of photography by yammering on about the picture on the walls of the fancy restaurant. He shares his passion for photography with Sophia. Callie asks how Sophia is and Robert says she has a personality disorder and that medication is helping but she is still at Radley for a while longer. Callie is sorry she didn’t notice that Sophia was suffering. Robert notes that they didn’t either and they are Sophia’s parents. Robert break the tension by noticing that Callie isn’t eating her cilantro. It tastes like soap, she says. He doesn’t like it either! What a funny coincidence, isn’t it?

He asks her if she’s seen the Mona Lisa. She says, yeah sure, Pops in between abusive foster homes I took the Concorde to Paris to spend some time with La Gioconda. He says they could go some time. Callie is like yeah, try to weasel some more time, Bobby. You don’t have to adopt me to hang out, dude. He tells her that he doesn’t want to “hang out” he wants to be her parent. She asks if he thinks it’s okay to split her up from Jude just so he can be her parent. She tells him that he’s not going to win her over with his money or their mutual hatred of cilantro. She’ll see the Mona Lisa with her family, thanks very much. Then she asks him to drive her home.

The seventh grade group date has made it to the movie theater. Daria suggests they sit in the back row because it’s “quieter” up there. Taylor and Judicorn don’t seem too psyched but Connor doesn’t really give a crap where they sit. Daria takes the aisle seat because Taylor says,”She has a bladder the size of a peanut.” Connor makes sure to put his armrest down while Jude and Taylor discuss just how awkward this will be when Connor and Daria start making out.

Brandon is looking for temp jobs so he can make the two thousand dollars the band needs for hotel rooms. While he is checking out the classifieds, an email pops up letting him know that his fancy band camp won’t hold his spot much longer. Tic toc, Brando. Stef walks in and Brandon gets all pissy about the fact that they said he could go but with so many conditions that it makes it impossible for him to meet them all. Stef says the parents have made their decision and Brandon whines that the other kids will just go without him.

Downstairs, Lena makes a cup of tea and sees her wife outside. Stef is talking on her phone to someone who isn’t her wife. Stefanie Marie Foster, don’t make me come to San Diego to talk some sense into you.

Back row of the movie theater where all the good stuff happens: Jude looks from Taylor to Daria and sort of sighs like, “Well, I guess this is all there is.” Connor puts his hand on the armrest. Jude tries not to notice. Connor inches his pinky finger a millimeter at a time until the edge of his smallest finger is just whispering against the edge of Jude’s. Jude looks at their fingers and then away. Then he moves his tiny unicorn finger a fraction of an inch. Connor slips the tip of his finger over Jude’s until they are holding pinkies and breathing so hard you would think they ran all the way to the top of those stairs instead of sitting still. Connor breaks into the biggest grin.

I remember the white-hot misery of being 13. I remember everyone around me engaging in the normal teenage performance of dating in which you sit near each other at lunch but don’t really talk or pass notes and then break up between home ec and gym. I remember it as a time when I realized that I wasn’t like other kids and I knew, like I knew my own name, that I better stash that difference somewhere that no one would ever find it. I didn’t get a chance to try out my dating skills in middle school. It’s really hard to engage in a performance for the crowd when you’re busy stuffing who you are in a bag behind the dumpster.

Maybe that’s why this scene is one I have now watched a dozen times and replayed a dozen more times in my head. Hand holding is a simple declaration of affection. But it’s a public display that many of us shy away from because maybe we’ve gotten dirty looks or worse. In season one, Lena sat with Jude and told him that she doesn’t always hold hands or kiss Stef in public because she doesn’t always feel safe. I don’t think he ever expected Connor to reach for him that way. But Connor did.

Connor tiptoed across that line to find Jude’s hand. He took that leap and the look on Jude’s face broke my heart. I don’t think he dreamed Connor would do it. He probably tried to kill whatever hope he had of holding Connors hand but it wouldn’t die; it wouldn’t stay buried. It was the Alison DiLaurentis of hopeful thoughts. Instead, that hope fulfilled practically chokes our little Judicorn when Connor grab his pinky. And I am struck for the four billionth time by how much I wish this show had been around when I was in middle school. Maybe I wouldn’t have wasted so much time being scared and trying to shove everything I thought was wrong about myself in that bag behind the dumpster. Maybe I would have been holding pinkies in a movie theater instead.

The band is practicing the garage and Brandon is so pissed that they are going to leave him behind he screws up his part. Lu sticks around to talk to him but he is all pouty because they are going to leave him and take the songs he wrote and have a bitchin’ summer. Mariana is wearing her pouty pants upstairs but she’s also coding because she’s badass like that. Mat wants to know what’s up and he says she flipped out. He says he loves her. She tells him to shut up and then suggests that maybe she should come on tour too. Oh Mariana, you were doing so well. Back up that crazy train one step.

Brandon decides to try his hand (see what I did there) at some classical music since Idyllwild is his back up. He screws it up a couple times before playing through to the end. Roll over Beethoven and tell Tchaikovsky the news, Brando is going to piano camp!

It’s the weekend but Lena is at work and Monty is there too telling Lena all about her divorce and how marriage is hard but damn girl, you look gooood. Back off principal, lady! Stef may be a dumbass but she’s Lena’s dumbass.

A couple of cops show up to talk to Callie at the burger emporium. Turns out the cashier in the sturdy glasses has super duper memory and possibly x-ray vision because she tipped the cops off to the fact that Callie bought what looks like a cast off Happy Meal toy an indeterminate number of months ago. OK, and based on this evidence they want to talk to Callie about a kidnapping. Callie is like, “Yeaah, I’m 16 and I have had my juvie frequent flyer card punched enough times to have earned a free ice cream cone, so I’m gonna call one of my parents.” She calls Robert. Which sort of feels traitorous but frankly, if you’re in a heap of trouble call a rich white dude. If anyone is going to get you off scott free it’s him.

Back at home, Lena walks in and Stef says they have company. Ana tells them that Mariana came over to Mike’s and told her that she had no business raising a baby. Lena says they will talk to Mariana about leaving Ana alone. But Ana, isn’t done. Mariana suggested that Stef and Lena should take care of the baby and Ana agrees. She wants the baby to grow up with her brother and sister.

Next week, Callie makes some kind of decision that will affect the entire family. That will be a change, right?

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