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“Glee” recap (6.6): I Choose You

As Burt Bacharach once wisely said, “What the world needs now, is love, sweet love”. That is especially true as Glee starts to wind down to its inevitable end. The last two episodes, “Hurt Locker (Parts One & Two)” really bummed me out, so this week’s Glee was like a giant heart full of coconut candy bars. It was undeniably Brittany’s episode, and when I think how far Heather Morris has come since she was tossing out killer one-liners in Season 1, my heart feels like it might burst open with tiny unicorn shaped confetti. So on with the show!

Like attractive moths, drawn to the flame of romantic comedy necessity, Sam and Rachel continue their awkward dance. They make plans to have dinner together, which causes Rachel and Sam to go all adult contemporary. They sing Burt Bacharach’s “Never Fall in Love Again” in a style very true to the original, and it’s nice. Sweet, cute, you know, nice. They seem love blooming all around them, yet both of them are scared to take the plunge.

At Casa Pierce, Brittany is doing complicated math equations with crayons when her mother and father (guest stars Jennifer Coolidge and Ken Jeong) come in to have a serious talk with their brilliant daughter. It turns out, that Mr. Pierce Pierce (who is dumb as a box of rocks) is not Britt’s father after all.

Her mother explains that on their honeymoon in London, her new husband he declared that he was sterile, when he actually meant, “virile.” So, distraught she went out and had a one night (or should I say, one-stall) stand with Stephen Hawking in a pub bathroom. Hence the genius traits. Brittany takes the news rather well, and switches gears with some news of her own. She tells her parents that she and Santana are engaged and they couldn’t be happier. “Yeasty!” Mrs. Pierce yells out in excitement. Brittany raising her arms in joy, is about the best thing ever.

When Rachel and Sam see each other later, they both apologize for standing the other up at Breadstix. Sam admits to having feelings for Rachel, but his heart is also still with Mercedes. Rachel, admits that she too has feelings for him, but she needs to focus on getting the New Directions up and running. Sam leaves to teach a health class, which makes me frightened for the children of McKinley.

Rachel and Kurt are still feeling high from their victory at the invitational, and announce that the next week will be dedicated to songwriter Burt Bacharach, who no joke, wrote like a million songs about love. Santana and Brittney (oh, and Artie!) have joined the New Directions for the week, to sit together adorably while occasionally passing judgement on Rachel’s wardrobe. Sectionals are five weeks away, and to inspire the New Directions, Mercedes has taken a break from her busy touring schedule to mentor them. They are excited because Mercedes has become a huge star. We knew it would be you, Mercedes. Hell to the yes.

In the teacher’s lounge, Mercedes cuts through all the bullshit. She knows Rachel and Sam have been getting closer and she gives Rachel her blessing. All hail Mercedes Jones. She also wants to pull Rachel out of her funk by pushing her to audition for a new musical. Mercedes had her pal Russell Simmons pull some strings and score Rachel a spot, and presents her friend with a round trip (bus) ticket to NYC. Mercedes reminds Rachel that her gift of song is always there, and Rachel isn’t Rachel unless she has an audience. To soothe Rachel’s nerves, Mercedes decides to inspire her through song. She takes lead on “Baby It’s You” with Santana, Brittany and Rachel as back up. It’s giving me Troubletones realness, wrapped in a layer of sweet, sweet, pink cotton candy. Unfortunately, Rachel is too nervous to face New York again, just yet.

Brittany invites Artie to her inner sanctum, and has managed to completely erase the memories of when they dated. He’s a good sport though, because when she asks him to be her wedding planner, he agrees. They try to come up with some themes, but “scissoring” might be a little hard to pull off, so they go with “heaven” because that’s what being in love with Santana feels like. Gurl, we know. Brittany (or maybe it’s Artie’s fantasy sequence) goes to heaven where she sings “Wishin’ and Hoping” and generally melts our hearts with her little angel wings.

Mercedes pulls all the men in Rachel’s life to ask for their help in convincing Rachel to go back to New York. Ah yes, it wouldn’t be Glee if we didn’t have the men try to rescue our heroines. Mercedes’ plan is to make Rachel homesick for New York.

Santana and Brittany are working on their wedding guest list, which is in crayon mind you. Nice touch, props dept. Brittany wants to invite the whole world, but Santana isn’t so sure that Johnny Weir and Joan Baez are going to RSVP. Apparently, Baez and Brittany did a little sexting when she and Santana were on a break. Do with that what you like. Also on the list is Santana’s abuela whom she has not spoken to since Santana came out and was basically frozen out. Santana reminisces about how she and her abuela would play “wedding” when Santana was little.

Santana: My whole life, I’ve dreamt of my wedding with her sitting in the front row, bawling. And believe me, if I could get in her head and bring her into this century, I would. And I would forgive her and have her here. She’s my abuela, you know. The lady with the big plates of rice and beans. But last I heard, she was on Facebook, posting about her diverticulitis, trolling for sympathy.

Brittany: See, it’s even more important. She’s sick.

Santana: No Britt, she can’t poop, and I don’t think that’s going to kill her.

Brittany: Tell that to fat Elvis.

Lord Tubbington: Meow.

Santana: But having her at my wedding means not marrying you, and I choose you over everyone.

Brittany: I choose you, too.

They kiss because, dammit, it’s beautiful. Yet even as Santana protests about her abuela, the creaky hamster wheel in Brittany’s head is spinning. She shows up at Abuela’s house, pretending to be her new home nurse. The things we do for love. When Abuela shows some hesitation, Britt whips out some perfect Spanish and puts her at ease with her love for telenovelas. Britt, you are a genius. Abuela sees Brittany’s ring and goes gaga with wedding talk. Is there passion, she asks. Well, talk to Brittany’s popped hip about that. You need to stretch before scissoring. I can’t stress this enough, people.

Abuela wants to make some rice and beans so they can continue to chit chat, but Brittany has another idea. Queso por Dos! Abuela become another guest/victim of the Spanish language version of Fondue for Two. Watch the cheese! It’s molten. The theme of the episode is weddings, so Britt asks Abuela about her past romances. Abuela talks about how her second Mr. Lopez was the love of her life. Brittany randomly brings up Eleanor Roosevelt and her “lady friend” to stir the fondue pot, all the while Lord and Lady Tubbington read Forcing the Spring, a book about marriage equality. Britt pretends she wants to elope with her “fiance” and Abuela threatens to “skin her alive.”

Santana watches the vlog from a coffeeshop, as Abuela talks about love, and how wedding should be filled with family.

Mercedes pulls Rachel into the auditorium and declares that the femslash ship New York/Rachel is endgame. Finally, someone said it! The men, all in top hats and tuxes, sing the theme from Arthur, “The Best that You Can Do.” OK, it’s kind of charming. Rachel is unmoved though, and reiterates that she’s not ready to head back to the Big Apple. Mercedes says she’s not going anywhere until Rachel does.

Turns out that Queso por Dos was picked up by Univision and now Brittany has a whole new audience of fans. Santana finds her signing autographs.

Santana sends the fans away, and expresses her frustration about Brittany getting close to Abuela. Brittany explains that people fear what they don’t understand, and maybe, just maybe, she can change Abuela’s heart. “It’s our job as young, hot, progressives to educate older, scary farts.” Maybe that way, Abuela will see that besides the amazing (AMAZING) lady sex, Brittana are just like everyone else. Santana of course, softens because she is in-cable of being upset with Brittany.

Santana: Do you know how much I love you?

Brittany: (whispers) Tell me again.

Santana: I love you.

Brittany: I love you, too.

Fandom: WE LOVE YOU TOO!!!!

Sam, sitting alone in the locker room, starts plucking out the notes to the song The Carpenters made famous, “Close to You.” He walks through the halls, trying to catch a peek at Mercedes. He then finishes the song for her in the auditorium. Mercedes tells him that they are better as friends, and gives him her blessing to pursue Rachel too. She’s got herself a new man, who is also saving himself for marriage. There will always be love there, but it’s a different kind now. Then Sam has to ruin the moment by asking if this new guy is “bigger” than him. Why are guys so interested in that? She tells him that guy’s nickname is “Tank,” so. But Sam’s actually talking about asses, and his is unfortunately, not on par.

Rachel texts Mercedes with an emergency. She asks Mercedes to take over New Directions temporarily while she gets her ass to that audition in NYC! Mercedes is thrilled, and Rachel has a meltdown. Stress coupled with the humiliation of what happened to her, is just really getting to Miss Berry. She’s scared to be laughed at again. Mercedes gently tells Rachel that failure is just a part of life, and it’s what we take away from those failures that matters. (Don’t ever leave Mercedes.)

Rachel sings “Promises, Promises” all the way to NYC and nails her audition.

Brittany brings Abuela into the auditorium where she has a surprise waiting. It’s Santana, singing “Alfie” with the New Directions old and new backing her up. It’s Santana’s last solo in the show, so let’s just take a moment to enjoy it.

There, that was lovely. Abuela is confused, and Brittany reveals that she and Santana are together. Abuela feels tricked, but Brittany explains what she did, she did out of love for Santana. Santana tells Abuela that she taught her how to be a strong woman, and part of that is being with her love. She wants to share her happiness with Abuela, but the older woman is not budging. Finally Brittany has had about enough.

Brittany: Good, I’m glad you’re not coming. You know the New York Times said half the increase in support of gay marriage is due to generational turn-over. That’s what smart people call crazy uptight bitches dying. You guys lost, okay? And honestly the rest of us are just going about our business being normal and waiting for you to not be around, not because you can stop us from getting married, but just because you’re kinda annoying.

Wow. Now we’ve seen Brittany put people in their place before, but I’m not sure we’ve ever seen her this angry. Seeing her love’s heart just breaking before her, brings out the tiger in our Brittany. When Abuela can’t believe that Santana allowed Brittany to speak to her that way, Santana draws a line in the sand. Britt has never turned her back on Santana, so the choice is simple. Abuela walks out.

Rachel is feeling pretty jazzed about her audition, and it appears she got her groove back. She thanks Mercedes for her support, Sam lends his support, too: “Nothing can stop Rachel Berry.” They decide to go on a real date.

As Brittana walk down the hall, the hall they’ve walked down so many times together, something has changed. They went from being friends to secret lovers, to girlfriends and now, family. Santana will continue to mourn the loss of her Abuela’s love, but thankfully, she has a lot of love around her to help her heal. Brittany regrets being so harsh with Abeula but Santana is grateful for her support: “You’re my lady knight in shining armor.” Swoon. Sometimes we walk though life, and we stumble upon love or we create our own happiness. But sometimes, we find that person who is the perfectly fitting key to the lock that opens up the chains that bind us. Brittana = Lock and key. They agree to pretend to be surprised when they walk into the auditorium for their musical dedication.

Artie comes out on stage to announce the empty seat that Abeula left at the wedding reception, is just waiting to be filled by other members of Santana’s “family.” Kitty and the current New Directions offer to work the wedding, to cater and release the hounds-I mean doves. They sing Glee‘s 700th song, “What the World Needs Now” to the happy couple. The scene then flashes to Mr. Schue’s house, where he, the baby and someone wearing an Emma wig welcome everyone in for dinner.

Blaine arrives, without Karofsky, which brings a small smile to Kurt’s face. Even Kitty and Artie manage to bury the hatchet. There’s so much love y’all, I could just burst!

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