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“Episodes” recap (405): Boss-sexual

Last week, Carol kept her track record intact and slept with her boss, but this time, it wasn’t immediately followed by reproach and ordering He’s Just Not That Into You off of Amazon. This time, her boss is a woman named Helen, and Carol could not be happier. Forget lesbian, forget bisexual: Carol is boss-sexual. Where’s the support group for that?

Come Monday, the president of the network takes time out her busy day to confer with her Director of Programming.

I’m pretty sure last night’s ratings are not in there.

Later that day, Carol meets with her former boss, Merc. He’s not doing so well since Carol ended their five-year affair, and he was fired from the network. Trying to get back in the game, Merc is discussed his idea for the remake of a hit Dutch competition show about people who sit in boxes. Dutch people are weird.

And that’s Hollywood for you. One minute you’re putting Shonda Rhimes on hold, the next, you’re pitching a game show you ripped off from Holland.

Carol tells Merc that his list of potential hosts isn’t going to work because Bert Convey is dead, and so is Richard Dawson, and p.s., Guy Smiley is a puppet on Sesame Street.

As she gives him the bum’s rush out of her office, Merc gleefully drops a bombshell. He knows she’s sleeping with Helen, and he did, too. Merc Lapidus- keeping it classy since never.

Merc: Oof, she’s a wild one. With that little swastika down there…

Carol: What?!

Merc: Come on, you know. That little swastika tattoo?

Carol: That’s a flower!

Merc: Oh. It was pretty dark and I hadn’t had my Lasik yet.

Carol needs this skin-crawling conversation to end immediately, but Merc thinks it’s hot because “it’s sort of like the three of us were together.”

Carol: It’s not like that.

Merc: It’s sort of like that.

Carol: Not even a little.

Merc: Well, tell that to what’s in my head.

Carol: I can’t control the shit in there.

Also inside the head of Merc Lapidus: a Japanese game show hosted by Hello Kitty, sex fantasies about Kate Jackson, and a half-eaten corn beef sandwich.

Later that night, Carol and Helen do snuggles and catch up on the 20 minutes of their day when they weren’t violating every rule in the network’s HR manual. Carol wonders why Helen never said anything about sleeping with Merc, even though she’s already admitted to her own Fifty Shades of Cray.

Instead of apologizing, (red flag?) Helen goes ballistic. She’s giving Merc a fucking TV show, and this is how he thanks her by blabbing about the worst night of her life? To the last person on earth she wants to know?

Carol tries flattery (“He said it was amazing”) and humor (“He thought your flower was a swastika!”). Nice try. Helen is off to the races.

Helen: He’s going around telling people I have a some sort of anti-Semitic twat? Oh, I’m going to fucking kill him.

Carol: What are you going to do?

Helen: I don’t know but I am so going to get his ass.

Carol: OK, now I’m scared.

Helen: He should be scared.

Now I’m scared. Please don’t be insane, Helen. Please don’t have any hidden, terrible side that may or may not include a vengeful side, extreme jealousy, a vile temper, or an obsession with Glee.

Helen doesn’t want anyone to know about her one drunky night with Merc: “What does that say about me as a human being?” Carol reminds Helen, hello? She was with him for five years. Ever wish you could go two minutes back in time, just to avoid getting this look?

Yeah, me, too.

The next day, Carol and Helen do some actual work by meeting with Sean, Beverly, and Sean’s ferret-faced ex-writing partner, Tim. Tim has sued his way onto their show because he’s still angry about getting “Ono’d” by Beverly. Tim tells everyone you can’t compete with vagina.

Carol and Helen approve that message. Two women are running a major network. They’re starting to dress alike. Life is good.

Helen wants to know how this show is going to work with three co-creators. Sean steps up and tells Tim to step off. Either go away and get paid, or dig in and have no show at all. Beverly just fell in love with Sean all over again.

Meanwhile, Matt owes 7.9 million dollars in back taxes, so he agrees to make a paid appearance at the birthday party of a war criminal who loves Friends. For $500,000, he flies to a country that might be called Crackistan, and enjoy the hospitality of a host who makes Kim Jong-Un look like Gandhi. Once there, Matt runs into this guy.

Schwimmer asks Matt for a ride back to the palace because “they shot my driver.” Matt’s happy to do it for his old friend until he learns that Schwimmer was paid twice as much as he was. Aww. Is anyone ever going to forgive Matt LeBlanc for Joey? Guess not.

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