Between sensual apron tying and Vanderwaal sleepovers, last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars felt like one long lesbian wet dream—or nightmare, depending where you fall in the shipping wars.
We open with the Liars convening outside Brew 2.0, where Spencer is feeling guilty over Toby’s butt hurt cop feelings. Didn’t he become a cop to figure all this A shit out and to save his girlfriend/friends from the endless torment that is their lives? I liked him better when he was a teen carpenter.
Aria’s striped belt with animal print is making my eyes bleed
The Liars spot Mrs. Hastings across the street, where she is chatting with Ali’s defense team. Mrs. H is a consultant for the defense, but she’s mainly in it to make sure that Spencer doesn’t get re-arrested. The defense hands her a fat file folder filled with case info, and Spencer stares at it like a cartoon wolf stares at a steak.
Spencer has a full on info boner for that police file
Spencer and Hanna make up in the most lesbionic way possible: Hanna spends the night in the tub obsessing over their fight and Spencer holds her hand and they share moisturizing tips. GET A ROOM. They also see Holbrook finally show up at work, with a spiffy new haircut.
I’m sorry you sprained your wrist masturbating. And I’m sorry I laughed and told everyone.
Also, Ezra went to Harrisburg for the weekend but didn’t tell Aria. OMG DRAMA! JK, no one cares what he does. The Liars try to figure out why Holbrook is showing up now, which is not much of a mystery. He works there, guys. Not everyone can take off weeks and weeks of school/work without consequences. Emily is zoning out of the conversation and checking out Talia, as are we all.
Emily? Emily? Earth to Emily?
Meanwhile, Johnny the Art Barn Hobo is building some contraption for the Brew, and he won’t tell Spencer what it is unless she helps. Spencer is too busy for this arts and crafts nonsense and heads out.
Emily tries to make small talk with Talia, and it’s awkward, like most interactions with your crush. For someone so beautiful, Emily is sorely lacking in game.
Hey girl, I like the way your boobs look in that shirt.
Excuse me?
Shit, did I just say that out loud?
The police want to interview Caleb and Hanna for being the most indiscreet criminals in Rosewood, which is saying something considering A hired a fucking flash mob to attack the Liars. Hanna also says, “Aria, you’re not helping!” which should really be Aria’s quote in the yearbook. Just then, a hipster redhead girl shows up. Her name is Leslie and she was a friend of Mona’s.
I’m a friend of Mona’s. In the biblical sense.
Leslie tells the girls that she and Mona met a few summers ago and have been buds ever since. She couldn’t come to the funeral, but she’s here now to get to know the Liars. Spencer immediately wants to spy on her/plant a tracking device on her body/follow her with a drone but instead she sends Hanna to buddy up to Leslie. She also says that they can’t trust old friends, since the last old friend they found was Cece and Aria ended up karate kicking her off a balcony at a saw mill sooo—she also fails to mention Nate, another friend who kidnapped Paige and nearly killed Emily. Basically, out of town friends are the WORST, followed closely by in-town friends who just leave you doppelgänger dolls and long ass receipts.
And then Mona took off my Mod Cloth dress and threw it carelessly on the floor…
KEEP GOING
Later at Casa Hastings, Spencer is reading Ali’s file and sees that Mike Montgomery paid her a visit in prison. Mrs. Hastings walks in and wants to know what’s up with Spencer’s college acceptance letters. Spencer, thanks to Trashcan Tesla, is having second thoughts about the whole college thing, and Mrs. Hastings responds by losing her shit appropriately. One does not simply bail on college in this family! She wants Spencer to think about her future, which is a long way away. I mean, if it’s taken them five seasons to get through two school years, she doesn’t have to decide on college until at least 2018, right?
Lion face GRR!
Caleb and Hanna are waiting at the police station where they hear some screaming about a screwed up investigation (LOL. Rosewood PD, be more specific) and see an angry Holbrook storm out of the office and start packing up his shit. Wait, did a Rosewood cop actually get fired? I didn’t know that was a thing that could happen.
Fuck you office fern!!
Spencer tells Aria about Mike’s jail visit and tells her to get to bottom of it. Aria is now faced with the daunting task of talking to her own brother! I like that the other Liars are slowly working Aria up to real detective stuff. Aria finds Mike working through Mona’s Movie List, and they talked about how smart/hyperadrenalized she was. I would LOVE to know what was on Mona’s list.
I just never knew Mona liked Corky Romano so much. She had such hidden depths.
Hanna tells Emily that Holbrook has been suspended for inappropriate behavior, which must have been pretty egregious since he didn’t dress up like the queen of hearts to terrorize children on a murder train OR sleep with someone’s mom to hide a crime. I assume he must have punched a baby in the face or run over a nun.
Rumor has it he cunt punted Detective Tanner!
Like I’m about to cunt punt Johnny if he keeps talking to Talia?
Hanna and Leslie are hanging out in Mona’s bedroom, and Leslie flips through a thick Edgar Allen Poe book. She tells Hanna that the Liars were precious to Mona, like how that ring was to Gollum I guess. Hanna asks if Leslie knew that there was more than one girl in Mona, and both girls were super smart and super gay.
You know Mona had more than one girl inside her, right?
What happens at Dinah Shore stays at Dinah Shore, bro.
FLASHBACK! We see Hanna and Mona having a slumber party, and Mona is reading Poe to Hanna. Hanna is creeped out, but Mona tells her it’s sticky sweet and creepy…is she reading Poe or Def Leppard lyrics? They play the wishing game, where Mona asks Hanna what she would do with three wishes. If I had three wishes, they would all be for those girls to make out already.
My wish involves you, some flavored lube, and this flashlight, baby
When Hanna declines to play, Mona tells her that she wants a magical stopwatch that would freeze the world and then she could walk around and break into houses and spy on people. She then talks about having all the control and no one even knowing they were being controlled. It’s basically a Bond villain monologue.
So you wanna practice French kissing or what?
Not with all those dolls staring at me.
The flashback ends, and Hanna is like, “Wow, I think I just remembered Mona manifesting her adrenalized hyperreality. Wish I remembered this three seasons ago.”
Emily is working at the Brew 2.0, since apparently she lives there now. Her apron comes undone, and Talia reaches from behind her to tie it. She then rests her hands on Emily’s hips and licks her lips before walking away. Now THAT’S game.
God I hope she doesn’t notice my boner in this apron
Hey girl, let me know if you need me to tie up anything else
SPLOOSH
While they’re getting handsy, Mike is asking Johnny about his mystery machine, which he calls “a perpetual motion machine powered by secrets,” which was the original title of this show. Hanna and Leslie show up with the Poe book and Mike freaks the fuck out because it’s Mona’s favorite book and how dare it come out for a 50 cent cup of coffee. He demands the book back, but Hanna tells him to chill the fuck out so he storms out.
What do you mean I’m dressed and styled like a lesbian?
I have eyes Mike, jeez!
Leslie tells Hanna that she heard Mike and Mona having a fight the night before Mona died, which throws some major suspicion on Mike. I’m sure Spencer won’t take this information and run wild with it.
Caleb is having a picnic in front of the courthouse, because that seems reasonable. He’s studying for something, despite not technically being in school, but he’s doing it to keep up with brainy Hanna, which is adorable. Emily stops by for some lesbro processing while she scopes out Talia feeling up watermelons across the street. Emily feels guilty for crushing on a girl while all this Ali drama is happening, which is insane because has she even met Aria?
Caleb, I would love to share a joint with you, but we are literally in front of the police station.
Wait, where are we?
She also says she isn’t sure if Talia is flirting with her. Dude, she told you she was interested and she rubbed up on your apron! Do you need a handwritten invitation to her vagina? This is probably the most classic on point lesbian behavior the show has ever portrayed: the gay girl’s inability to make a move or understand how relationships happen. I don’t understand how lesbian relationships happen either. All I know is one minute you’re friends, and the next you wake up in her bed, wearing her bra, underneath a pile of cats. Caleb tells her that love is the result of logic and a coin flip, when it’s more likely the result of tequila and horniness.
I mean, I just can’t keep waiting for Spencer to realize she’s super gay, you know?
Spencer has decided to help Johnny build his mystery machine, but he still won’t tell her what it does. Spencer says she doesn’t want to figure it out because she’s at max capacity for mysteries, and truer words have never been spoken. Johnny talks about how Ali is haunting the town and is legendary like Gilgamesh in heels. Spencer says she’s more like Vishnu, god of death and destruction. This is just semantics, because Rosewood has one diety and her name is Mona Vanderwaal amen.
Have you seen this girl? Cuz she’s a BITCH
Hanna is back in Mona’s bedroom and flashes back to the slumber party again. Flashback Hanna asks Mona about the stopwatch thing; wouldn’t she get older while everyone else stayed frozen? Mona says she would fix that like she does everything, and everyone would get old except for her. Hanna wonders if they’d recognize Alison if she ever came back, and Mona angrily tells her that Ali would be coming home to a town of strangers that don’t care about her anymore. Then she’d go nuts and end up in Radley where no one ever leaves.
Is that your hand on my leg?
This is scarily prophetic except for the part about leaving Radley, which Mona treats like a goddamn Holiday Inn Express. Hanna flashes back to the present and starts shaking the Poe book. She opens a hidden compartment and finds one of Bethany Young’s Radley tapes.
But how did this tape get so tiny?
Aria, unable to have a conversation with her own brother, decides to follow him instead. Because stalking someone apparently trumps asking them a question.
Back at Brew 2.0, the mystery gadget is up and running. Spencer puts her elbows on two metal discs on a table and cups her ears. Johnny goes across the room to a plastic bubble and talks into a microphone. His voice travels up Spencer’s bones and into her ear holes, and it’s magic/science! It’s a whisper catcher thing! Is this a real thing, scientists? I have no idea. Spencer is totally amazed, because she survives solely off of coffee and secrets. This device is the best thing since leaning your mouth close to someone’s ear!
Your bullshit is coming in loud and clear!
Across town, Caleb and Hanna listen to Bethany’s tape. She is taking about someone (Ali/Mona/Oprah) being an evil bitch who can manipulate anyone into doing her soulless bidding. My money is on Tippi the bird.
Aria has followed Mike to a swamp dock, where he leaves a bag of gummi bears. Aria goes after the gummi bears, but Mike catches her because he knows his sister can’t resist free candy. They argue and Mike demands she leave him alone. Aria wants to know why Mike is visiting Ali, but he refuses to talk to her. Great detective work, Aria. A few more missions like this and you can be a cop just like Toby!
Spencer told me not to eat strange candy, but she’s not here…
Aria, if you make some Gatsby allusion about that green light I will push you into the lake
Spencer has a heart to heart with her mom about college, and Mrs. Hastings rightly guesses that Johnny is filling her head with garbage art fantasies. Mrs. Hastings gets a call and finds out that the blood in the storage unit matches Ali’s blood.
Mom, my Sparia sense is tingling. Aria is fucking up some detective work across town!
Hanna is driving when she gets pulled over by Holbrook. He’s bitter and angry that Ali’s shenanigans have gotten him suspended, and wants to know how a girl like Ali becomes that way (the answer is Grunwald + wigs).
Hanna’s face is how everyone feels about the Rosewood PD
Holbrook blames Ali for ruining his life, but Hanna serves him some long overdue Rosewood realness: she’s a fucking child and he’s a grown ass man. She then accuses him of being A, but he denies it. Apparently he’s been locked up with Internal Affairs for weeks. He then grabs Hanna’s face and Hanna whacks the shit out of him with a tire iron and drives off.
FUCK THE POLICE!
This is amazing, and not just because Hanna beat up a cop. Hanna Marin has become the first girl in Rosewood to call out the fucked up misogynistic status quo that everyone else seems to be embracing. Since the pilot episode, Hanna has been controlled by crooked cops, so its supremely satisfying to see her finally take a stand. Hanna Marin for president!
Bitch, did I stutter?
After some quality bro bonding with Caleb, Emily finds Talia alone at the brew. They give the whisper machine a whirl, and Emily confesses that she’s been thinking about Talia, and she knows they’re both lonely. She’s basically ear sexing her at this point.
Finally, a captive audience for my spoken word poetry!
Is she trying to find a rhyme for “clitoris”?
Talia tells her it took all her courage to confess her feelings for Emily, and admits that she doesn’t have much courage or experience. She goes to walk away and Emily grabs her arm and kisses her. Talia quickly kisses her back and these girls have some serious chemistry. This is an exciting development, not just for this relationship, but for Emily as a character. She’s actively pursuing a relationship she wants, and that takes guts. Way to self-actualize, Em!
Get some get some!
Emily then ignores the Liars calls because she is finally getting some. Aria is offended that the Liars think Mike is working for Ali, despite having accused most of their lovers/parents/friends of the exact same thing. She assures the Liars that Mike won’t go back to the prison, because she told him not to. Lietrally as she is saying this, we see Mike visiting the prison again.
So you didn’t save us any gummi bears? Rude.
A snoops around Mona’s room and finds the empty compartment in the Poe book. They angrily smash the book on the table and Mona’s dolls fall off the shelf.
Fuck you, book!
So what do you think of Temily/Tamily/Emilia? Let me know @ChelseaProcrast.
Big thanks to Nicole @PLLBigA for her awesome screencaps! She is the Tippi to my Pepe.
