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“Gotham” recap (1.14): Gotham Finally Got Ham!

Last night on Gotham, a sinister new villain terrorized his victim with a baby piglet! And it was freakin’ adorable. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

We open with said villain, Gerald Crane (aka the father of famed Batman villain Scarecrow) strapping a man in a chair and dangling him over the side of a building. Crane proceeds to terrify the man by dropping him several floors down, and repeatedly checking his vitals. Still not as terrifying as a pap smear, am I right ladies?

I don’t wanna be on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge anymore!

Over at his Papa John’s franchise, Maroni and Penguin are celebrating the fall of Fish Mooney and plotting their takeover of Falcone’s territories. Speak of the devil, Maroni gets a phone call from Fish (on a boat to nowhere) ratting out Penguin’s duplicity and telling Maroni he’s being played for a chump. Sidebar: they use the word “chump” a lot in this episode. It’s a pretty solid word, let’s bring it back.

Yeah, my refrigerator is running, what’s it to ya?

Maroni hangs up and invites Penguin to drive upstate with him to see a man about a thing and definitely not murder him in the woods.

Then you better catch, you big chump!

GCPD is investigating the rooftop crime scene, where Nigma notices a surgical incision on the body. He wants to investigate, but he’s only forensics and apparently the medical examiner is pissed that Nigma is all over his turf. Once again, Ed Nigma, the only person interested in doing his job at GCPD, is mocked and shut down by his superiors. I cannot wait until he goes crazy and dons that question mark suit.

Who’s ready to dive into this corpse?!

Essen tells Bullock to watch his back, as half the cops are still pissed that Gordon arrested Flass. Bullock is pissed that he finally has to start paying attention to his work.

Gordon drops his keys off at Barbara’s apartment, and finds Selina squatting there. He tries to take her someplace safe, but she’s all, “Remember when you took me to Wayne Manor and those ninjas tried to kill me? PASS.” She then tell him that she recanted her witness story and flies out the window like a Cirque Du Soleil extra.

Also I ate all your Milano cookies #sorrynotsorry

Gordon goes to visit Bruce Wayne, who is pissed that Gordon hasn’t caught his parents’ killers yet. Bruce absolves Gordon of his promise to find the killers and sets off to pursue answers on his own. You know you’re a shitty cop when a child is like, “I’ll take it from here.”

Meanwhile, Penguin and Maroni drive up to a cabin in the woods. Just a couple of bros enjoying the country air, loaded guns, and some piping hot oatmeal. Maroni wants to take this time to reflect and bond with Penguin, which means he is either A) going to kill him or B) is a lesbian. I really hope it’s B!

So this is definitely not a murder cabin, right? Because I’ve been burned before.

Back at the GCPD, an adorable redhead named Scottie Mullen shows up to meet with Bullock. She was the victim’s sponsor in a support group for people with phobias. The victim’s phobia was heights, which means hanging off the side of that building must have really sucked. Bullock tries to be sassy, but she immediately calls him out and tells him to stop being such an ass. Bullock is smitten and asks her out, after promising to find the killer.

So you’re a boozy, chubby corrupt cop? Mama like!

We then jump to the street, where an old man is leaving his house only to be confronted by Crane, wearing a black coat, a black hat, and carrying a baby piglet! The man freaks the fuck out and ominous music starts playing, because in Gotham baby piglets are not adorable little oinksters, but beasts of terror. The man is tased by a large guy and thrown into the back of a van.

Squeeeee…are taking you hostage!

I can’t wait for Selina Kyle to grow up and start throwing kittens at people as they scream in abject terror.

Back at the precinct, Nigma has ignored Essen and is secretly examining the dead body. He gets caught literally red-handed and Essen suspends him. His sad little “but I found something” falls on deaf ears.

What do you mean we share a set designer with Scooby Doo?

Bullock and Gordon talk about Dr. Leslie, who Bullock calls Doc Caliente…which is now her name. Gordon tells him he’s done with Barbara. They have this conversation while skulking through one of Gotham’s myriad abandoned factories, where they find the old man in a room full of pigs being terrorized by a grown man in a pig mask. Okay, this is legit scary. But what happened to the piglet? I’m REALLY concerned about that piglet you guys. I may have already named him Richie Cunningham.

We’re in a lot of truffle. I mean, trouble

Over on the Love Boat, Fish is chilling in her cabin when the captain comes by to check on her. He tells her to say goodbye to Gotham, but she assures him she’ll be back soon enough. I hope so; this show is nothing without Jada Pinkett-Smith.

Oh Captain Stubing!

Essen and Bullock celebrate the arrest of the Pigman, who was terrorizing that old guy who had a phobia of pigs. Gordon thinks it was a two man job and the other guy is still out there, but everyone tells him not to get his panties in a bunch and relax.

Nigma visits Miss Kringle to tell her of his suspension, but she’s crying. He returns a pencil he borrowed, which is now shaved down to the nub. She calls him odd but says she’s sorry to see him go.

Nigma, stop telling girls this is an accurate measurement of your penis!

While Maroni gathers firewood, Penguin grabs his handgun. Maroni sits down to talk hardcore honesty with Penguin, and suggests they share secrets like they’re at a slumber party. Of course, the secret-sharing leads to Maroni calling out Penguin for working for Falcone, which Penguin tries to deny. Maroni says he treated Penguin like a friend, and Penguin is all, “Like a monkey friend!” Hey man, no need to throw monkey friendship under the bus. He fires the gun at Maroni but PSYCH it’s full of blanks and Maroni slaps the shit out of him.

I am not a monkey man, I’m a penguin man!

Doc Caliente and Gordon have dinner, and instead of complimenting the gorgeous woman in front of him, Gordon shoves a case file in her face and demands thoughts. Doc is all, “Bro, I put on lipstick, wtf?” and he’s all apologetic because he hasn’t dated for a while. Then he gets a call from Bullock and has to bail. Worst date ever.

I wonder what Renee is up to?

Bullock joins Scottie at the phobia meeting, where he finds out that she’s terrified of swimming pools. She challenges him to share his fears, but he claims not to have any. He agrees to share with the group, and guess who’s there in the sharing circle? Dr. Crane!

Also, Scottie is wearing a purple turban hat that shows the one thing she isn’t afraid of is comparisons to Jambi from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

Meka leka hi meka hiney ho?

Penguin wakes up to find himself in a car crusher at a junk yard. Maroni is planning to cube him and then give him to Falcone as a paper weight. How thoughtful. Penguin tries to argue for his release, but Maroni is done with his bullshit and starts crushing.

Meanwhile, Nigma picks the lock of the medical examiner’s locker and fills it with body parts. Then the ME opens it and is all, “This isn’t what it looks like!” and gets fired. Nigma gets reinstated, but where the fuck did those body parts come from?

We’re all here because we’re very disappointed with this show

At Phobias Anonymous, Bullock opens up and tells the group he’s scared he’ll die alone in a Gotham gutter, and that he just wants to be loved and be less of a dirtbag. Todd aka Dr. Crane shares his fear of failure, which he fears he’s passing onto his son. He walks out in tears and Scottie follows him. The attendees wait for them for a while, and then Bullock is like, “Fuck! He’s the killer and he just took Scottie from under our noses!”

It’s like, I’m a good actor! What did I do to deserve this?

Penguin is in the process of getting crushed when he sees the junk yard phone number on a billboard. He calls it and yells at the crusher that Falcone will kill him is he doesn’t stop the machine. The machine is shut down just long enough for Penguin to slither out and escape.

Damn, we’re in a tight spot!

Bullock and Gordon figure out that Crane is going to drown Scottie in the same pool she almost drowned in as a child, and they go off to stop it.

At said pool, Crane is measuring Scottie’s fear index when his son Jonathan aka Scarecrow shows up and wants to know what the fuck is happening. Crane tells him their studies are for the greater good/science and he’s like, “Okey dokey, I’ll be in the car.” Crane tosses Scottie into the pool and Bullock and Gordon rush in. Gordon goes after Crane while Bullock jumps into the pool to save Scottie.

Not a public pool! Kids pee in here!

Bullock gives her CPR and she’s alive, but Gordon loses Crane after a chase and a gun fight.

Penguin continues his trend of waking up in weird places: this time he’s found in a pile of leaves by a gospel choir on a bus tour. He gets on the bus and they all sing their way down the road.

But I don’t wanna let this little light of mine shine!

Doc Caliente has examined the body and says that the adrenal glands have been removed. Obviously, Crane is studying fear. Gordon offers her the job of medical examiner (which maybe he should run by Essen? She’s only his fucking boss). Doc says she’ll think about it and demands that Gordon kiss her. He hesitates, but then lays a major smooch on her. Dude, when Morena Baccarin offers you a kiss, you take it.

NOM NOM NOM

Nigma tells Miss Kringle he’s not leaving, and she says he owes her a pencil.

Meanwhile, the Love Boat is taken over by pirates and Fish launches herself at an armed man like she’s a fucking tiger. We better see this fight next week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s Gotham?

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