“The Fosters” recap (2.14): Camp Clitorference

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Previously on The Fosters, Lena told Mariana, “When you’re born a Hermione, don’t waste your time pretending to be a Lavender Brown.” Cagney and Lacey pulled Kiara out of a messed-up foster home and then figured out a maybe-not-quite-legal way to make sure she didn’t have to go back. Their efforts were for naught since Kiara took the midnight train to Georgia. Callie might not graduate since her previous school transcripts got sent to Area 51 and she got so mad at the system she almost chucked it all to run off with the hair model. Instead she gave him his wall back and dared him to stick around. Jesús discovered Ana is pregnant, Mariana quit the dance team to start a better one with Tia, and Jude was Out of Town.

Princess Mariana hates camping, the idea of camping, bugs, the dark, and anything that takes her away from her creature comforts. Callie has never been camping but knows a thing or twelve about going without creature comforts. Jude says, “I had a pretty good time on my camping trip with Connor (but now he won’t talk to me, so that sucks).” Mariana says she should be home so she can audition dancers for her new dance group but shh don’t tell Hayley who is across the hall sucking Jesús’ face off.

Hayley is mad that Jesús is going on a family camping trip on the weekend she has her house to herself. Stef opens the door and asks why the hell is was closed in the first place. Hayley says she has to go and Stef gives her the old, “Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?” routine.

Foster 2141Cause of death: twerking

Stef bounces into the kitchen and tells Lena that the kids should leave their phone at home so that they aren’t live-tweeting or twerking the camping trip. Lena laughs and shows Stef what twerking is all about. Stef’s brain shorts out for a second but she recovers fast enough to give Lena a slap on the ass and ponder what other moves Lena might not have shown her yet.

Fosters 2142

Lena thinks they should just let the kids wean themselves off their phones the natural way, by losing reception. Stef is sick of having to be the enforcer while Lena is super fun times mom. Lena objects. It’s not her fault that she has an abundance of empathy and the face of an angel. Besides, the kids totally talk to Stef. Nope, when they want a hug, they run to Lena. When they need help getting out of multiple felonies, then they go to Stef.

Callie steps onto the porch carrying a sleeping bag, a couple of duffle bags, and a goddamn partridge in a pear tree. Brandon and Lu are saying goodbye by frenching like a couple of, well, teenagers. Brandon gets all flustered and Callie just tries to get the hell off the porch.

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