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“Glee” recap (6.5): American Horror Story: Lima

I’m baffled. I truly have no idea what Glee has been trying to accomplish with these last two episodes. I wish I did. I wish I could weave them together and provide commentary for a greater good; some sort of grand scheme. But I can’t. They are head scratchers. Never in my time covering television have I witnessed such self-flagellation. When Glee isn’t mocking itself, it’s mocking its viewers. But this time, it’s not with a “ha ha inside jokey” feel. It feels…bad.

After Vocal Adrenaline performs, Sue takes over the invitational, changing the rules and trying her best to sabotage New Directions. Now they and the Warblers have to change their set lists to “Old School” and, frankly, no one knows what the hell is going on. Everyone hems and haws, but Sue doesn’t care. Rachel and Kurt have to hurry up and figure out what to do, including recruiting more members right away and picking out a killer setlist. Kurt wisely suggests recruiting Kitty, an idea Rachel hates because Kitty loathes her, mainly because Rachel never bothered to learn her name. Rachel then goes on to admit that she never bothered to learn any of the Middle New Directions kids’ names because she was so wrapped up in her own deal. Glee never bothered to let their audience get invested in them either (with the exception of Unique, whose presence I dearly miss). When you have a cast of a thousand, and dozens of different storylines that you can’t even be bothered to follow through on, you end up short changing everyone. Anyway, Kurt tells Rachel she doesn’t have much of a choice not to win Kitty back for the team.

Kurt and Walter are on their second date, although they first have to agree that it’s a date. While Walter may be considerably older than Kurt, they are having a fun time getting to know each other. Sue slides over to act as their waitress, equip with her salty attitude, plenty of age related zingers, and a jumbo sized button of Klaine. However, Walter thinks she’s hilarious so her plan to disrupt their date goes awry.

To calm her frazzled nerves, Sue and Becky hole up in the Hurt Locker to watch video clips of Klaine, including the ones from dream sequences. Becky, ever the voice of reason is like, “OK, this is getting ridiculous now.” Thank you, Becky. Sue’s new plan is to force Kurt and Blaine into a confined space so they will have to admit their feelings for one another. Or, you know, they could have lunch together and it would probably have the same affect. Anyway.

Rachel ambushes Kitty in the hallway, ticking off facts about the surly cheerleader that she hopes will impress and soften Kitty’s attitude towards her. Kitty, who is obviously a Faberry shipper, is not cracking. She tells Rachel that she joined glee club for the love of music, and because she needed a teacher like Mr. Schue (just go with it, it’s Kitty’s experience, not ours) who would be kind and to have a group of friends who would have her back. Now, everyone has been banished from McKinley, she’s all alone, and it’s all she can do to hold on to a spot on Sue’s Cheerio pyramid. Kitty doesn’t trust that Rachel will follow through, and she’s not about get her heartbroken again. Kitty may have started out as some sort of weird Quinn Fabray/Santana Lopez hybrid, but Becca Tobin has really brought a lot of depth and heart to her. Way to rise above, Becca. Rachel tries once more and appeals to the performer in Kitty, saying they need a “top bitch.” Rachel also promises not to desert them.

Blaine runs into Kurt after using the faculty bathroom, which he can now cross off his bucketlist. They head to the auditorium via a brand new elevator that just appears, kind of like out of the Matrix. (Hey, if Glee can make dated references in this episode, so can I.) Surprise, surprise, it’s a trap. They pound on the doors, yell for help, but in Glee, no one can hear you scream.

A frantic Rachel and Sam, can’t track down Sam but Sue declares the show must go on so the Warblers perform their set without the watchful eye of their coach. They perform “My Sharona” by The Knack, and “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive. Both songs are totally fine, but is it just me or have the Warblers lost that loving feeling this season? Tristan, or whatever his name is, just isn’t quite the lead vocalist Blaine was. Also, the Warblers look to be in their late 30s now.Sam (poor Chord Overstreet really deserves better than this) is still easily susceptible to Sue’s hypnotism, and she drags him in once again to sabotage New Directions. She gives him three songs to present to the group, each more horrible than the next. There’s no way in hell Rachel and Kurt would agree to these songs, so this whole section is a complete waste of time.

Rachel calls the police to report Kurt missing, and they legit hang up on her. Sam rushes in assuring Rachel that Klaine is endgame, and showing her the crappy music he’s been given. Sam’s hypnotized brain is firing in a million directions and he attempts to kiss Rachel and is rebuffed. When Rachel snaps her fingers, Sam snaps back into reality. He apologizes for his strange behavior, and is increasingly concerned about the gaps in his memory. Rachel tells him she won’t be using his music and he heads off to try and find Kurt, and recruit more glee club members.

Back in the elevator, Kurt and Blaine are getting increasingly frustrated. No one has any battery life, or service. Then this happens. Yes, that would be a mini-Sue homage to the horror porn movie, Saw. Mini-Sue tells Kurt and Blaine of her rules for escape: They must kiss. OK, the men give each other a quick peck. But it’s not enough for mini-Sue. The exes must passionately kiss or be forced to spend eternity in a fake elevator, as the temperature rises and they end up totes nude. Mini-Sue provides them with a romantic picnic basket, as if roasted corn salad would make it all better. When did Glee stop being about a bunch of kids who find refuge in music, and turn into American Horror Story: Lima, where a track suited psychopath terrorizes an entire town?

After giving it some thought, Kitty decides to re-join glee club, and she has a surprise for Rachel. She knows what songs will elicit an emotional response in Sue, making it impossible for her to dismiss them right off the bat. They break into Sue’s office, use her password (ThunderBolton69) provided by Becky in exchange for some delicious Mexican snack cakes, and find the goods.

In the locker room, Spencer is training late. He thinks he’s going to become the quarterback now that Sam is in charge, but Sam is using it as leverage to get him to join New Directions. Turns out Spencer has been hanging out by the choir room, and Sam thinks that he actually does want to be a part of glee club. Spencer, who gave us all a big speech about being “post-gay” now tells Sam that the only way that he achieves this, is by being as not-gay as possible. Joining glee would make him vulnerable to teasing and would disrupt the delicate balance he’s worked towards. Sam tries to convince Spencer to be a leader. He reminds Spencer that Finn was the first cross-over from football to glee club, and it’s just another chance to change peoples’ perceptions.

As the New Directions convene for rehearsal, avec Kitty, Roderick informs Rachel that a cop has showed up in her office. This town is seriously lacking in competent adults. The cop is trashing her room, searching through her purse, tapping her on the boob with a metal stick. He’s also the former coach of the deaf school glee club, and he’s super bitter about his ouster. He’s just a mouthpiece for Sue, trying to rattle Rachel before the performance. When Rachel presents the kids with brand new material, they get nervous. Kitty stands up for Rachel, and tells them to blindly trust her. This is a very quick turnaround. Ok. Rachel tells the New Directions about her issues with Sue, and how she wants them all to walk out of glee with the confidence to face their own Sue Sylvesters. Spencer waltzes in, much to everyone’s delight.

Prepping for the invitational, Rachel apologizes to Will for putting him in that position. They easily suss out that Sue was trying to pit them against each other. Will points out that a good nemesis, makes you stronger. You know what is also nice? Not having one. Like regular people.

Back in the elevator, Kurt and Blaine finish the contents of the picnic basket, stretch their legs and play an adorable homemade game of Heads Up. All is adorable and sweet until Blaine mentions Karofsky, which pulls Kurt out of the moment.

Once again, mini-Sue appears, and she’s pissed that there is no hot Klaine action happening. So, what does she do? She drugs them with aerosol Viagra, which is possibly the most batshit crazy thing this show has ever done. It’s so creepy, and voyeuristic, that I was dumbstruck when it happens. The simple fact of the matter is that Kurt and Blaine don’t need all this craziness to push them back together. They love each other and there are so many other ways to bring these two back to each other. Like, fun, beautiful ways. But no, we get a scary puppet drugging two gay men in an elevator. At the same time, back in the auditorium, it’s time for the New Directions to perform. Kitty and Spencer lead off with the Roxette hit, and radio host Delilah’s go-to love song, “It Must Have Been Love.” Not only does it trigger an emotional memory from Sue, it also underscores the Klaine kiss.

At first Kurt and Blaine agree that it will mean nothing, that it’s only because Sue is forcing them. But once their lips touch, it quickly turns passionate, with Blaine reaching around and taking Kurt’s head in his hand. The mini-Sue growls out a satisfied “yes” but instead of that creepy shit, I’m going to focus on the fact that it’s a heartfelt kiss between these two.

I know that not everyone ships Klaine or Brittana. There seems to be a lot of back and forth between ships (and some of it is pretty brutal), and heaven knows I myself have unintentionally drawn the ire of some passionate fans, but what I think is important to remember is that we all need something to believe in. And, lets face it, we are all in this together. It’s not a competition. We all want to be moved, and feel like our wishing and time and emotional energy has paid off. So yeah, I’m rooting for Klaine, and Brittana, and the two aren’t mutually exclusive. I also root for Rachel Berry to realize her true potential. I root for Quinn Fabray to ascend the throne and become our queen. I root for all the people who have ever put their hearts into loving a television show, who have been repeatedly disappointed, but stick it out. I root for us.

Anyway, the doors open and Blaine and Kurt run out and back into the auditorium, knowing that despite not wanting it to be so, Sue’s ridiculously insane plan forced them to face each other, and their feelings. Onstage, the New Directions switch to George Michael‘s “Father Figure” with Roderick on lead. It reminds Sue of all the old Republican men she once loved. They close with Air Supply’s “I’m All Out of Love,” and for reasons I cannot comprehend, Jane does not get any solos. The song reminds Sue of her failed acting career, just barely missing leading roles in Star Wars, Pretty Woman and Scarface. I know, it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

The songs worked, and Sue awards first place to the New Directions, Vocal Adrenaline and the Warblers coming in second and third, respectively. Everyone else is super pissed, especially one the the leaders of Vocal Adrenaline who basically threatens to either kill or get Will fired. I’m not 100% sure on that. Sue finds Will and lays into him about her fork rage, and once again threatens to ruin him. Yawn.

Also rightfully pissed off are Kurt and Blaine, who confront Sue about the insane stunt. Kurt reminds Sue that what she did was illegal and should could face time in prison, but Sue isn’t fazed. Kurt and Blaine try to protest that her plan didn’t work, but it doesn’t convince anyone.

Sue and Becky return to the storage locker, where we find out that Sue’s timeline is going exactly as planned and in about six weeks, she will achieve her goal. Back in the choir room, New Directions gets to revel a little in their first victory. Kitty gives them a an aggressive pep talk and everyone thanks Rachel and Kurt for leading them. They do the show choir salute, and we can only hope for the best.

Next week, we meet Brittany’s parents and Mercedes confronts Rachel about Sam.

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