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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.17): Barrel of mistakes

You guys, this episode of Pretty Little Liars was firing on all fucking cylinders, featuring our favorite PLL tropes!

Pie? Check.

Breaking and entering? Check.

Liars getting locked into an enclosed space? Check.

Inappropriately aged love interest? MOTHERFUCKING CHECK AND MATE.

Four for you, show. Four. For. You.

We open in Caleb’s pad, where the Liars have convened to freak the fuck out about Hanna’s framing. Spencer and Emily are upset that Hanna went to see Ali and only told Aria, and Hanna is upset about potentially becoming Ali’s cellmate/prison bitch.

Hanna comes up with the terrible idea of getting rid of the evidence and the barrel, because burying evidence has always worked out well for these girls. Spencer argues that hiding the barrel could mean losing evidence to convict Ali. Emily is also like, “Um guys, hiding evidence is a fucking felony. Let’s not do this again.” But the girls ignore her pretty little logic and continue to spin out. Hanna is pissed because it’s her ass on the chopping block, so she hops on her Huffy bike and rides away.

Over at Brew 2.0, Emily is having nightmares about the barrel. Aria is having nightmares about that college essay nonsense with Ezra, which is bonkers because she should be having nightmares about Ezra stalking her and her friends for literally years.

Talia makes a pecan pie for Ezra, and Emily tells her to slow her roll because A) She’s too old for him and B) Ezra only gives it up for cake. Talia assumes that Emily has the hots for Ezra (HAHAHA) but Emily tells her she’s not interested in men, lesbian or otherwise. Talia nods her head and thinks “jackpot” to herself.

Over at the Marin residence, Hanna is ordering some chemical resistant gloves off Amazon Prime, which is the dumbest thing ever. Girl, your recommend list will be nothing but murder supplies! My friend ordered lesbian erotica off Amazon and still gets porn recs years after the fact. And by my friend, I mean me. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared a Prime account with my mom. You live and you learn, Liars.

Ashley is still unsure about Ted’s giant cookie proposal, and has decided not to tell him about banging Jason. Hanna tells her mom to be honest (drink every time a Liar tells someone to be honest) but Ashley tells her to mind her own damn business.

Over at Rosewood PD, Toby is pouring over Ali’s lie detector tests when Spencer shows up to talk about Hanna. Det. Tanner shows up and asks Spencer why she isn’t in school and Spencer laughs her out the building. School?! You’ve got A LOT to learn about Rosewood, Tanner.

Toby tells Tanner that he thinks Holbrook is a lying liar who mashed his face into Ali’s face at the Ice Ball. Tanner tells him he’s two minutes out of cop school and should probably slow his roll before he accuses real cops of breaking the law.

Aria finally buckles and gives Ezra the Talmadge letter that trashes their relationship. He assures her he doesn’t care…for now. SPOILER ALERT: he cares about everything all the time.

Meanwhile, Hanna has gone shopping and assembled a crack collection of chemicals/rubber suits/gadgets from the Dexter Home Collection to steal the evidence and sneak out undetected. Caleb is not on board, but then Hanna tells him she rented a U-Haul and a dolly, and no lesbian can resist such things. It’s off to the storage unit!

Haleb goes to the storage unit, where they cut the cameras and use a fancy drill to break the lock and bust in. I’ve got to say, despite this being literally the worst/most incriminating idea ever, you have to respect Hanna’s preparation and initiative. She’s come a long way from being the girl who stole sunglasses at Saks.

Aria is telling Emily about how well the letter reveal went, and Emily is pretending to care. Suddenly, Spencer drives up and parks in the middle of the street in a preppy panic. Mona’s laptop is moving and Hanna must be taking it! Everyone jumps in the car and speeds off to incriminate themselves.

Ashley is packing up her office after quitting her job, and Jason is super bummed. She tells him about her almost engagement, and he calls her out on sleeping with him as a way to sabotage her relationship with Ted. I think it’s equal parts self-sabotage and Merlot. They agree to part as friends and hug, and then Jason goes in for the kiss because he does not read signals.

Haleb opens the storage unit to find everything gone except for the barrel. Caleb wants to open it, but Hanna can’t bear to see what’s inside, so they go to grab the dolly to wheel that shit down a river. They walk out of the unit only to bump into Toby and Tanner. OOPS.

Emily, Spencer, and Aria track the laptop to an old abandoned ice cream factory, because this show is basically Scooby Doo with more accessories and less dogs (#Pepe). As they walk through the creepy factory, the wind is rustling and the mice are scuttling. They decide to split up, which is a great idea that has never lead to killer showers/kilns of death/getting sawed in half/locked in a hell cabin/glass in hair.

Hanna and Caleb pretend that they are renting a unit, when it’s obvious to everyone that they are shady as fuck. Hanna claims to have to pee really bad and rushes out of there while Tanner rolls her eyes like “seriously kids?”.

Back at the ice creamatorium, Spencer finds Mona’s laptop playing a video of Haleb planning their storage break-in. Emily wanders into a graffiti-filled basement and gets scared by a dead rat and a pack of almonds. Almonds are the new chickpeas! Aria hasn’t found anything except new supplies for earrings.

Aria meets up with Spencer, who has grabbed a giant wrench and wedged it into a door so she doesn’t get locked into an enclosed space of terror.

Unfortunately, A has hands, which they use to snatch said wrench away and lock Aria and Spencer in the freezer. The girls get blasted by jets of liquid nitrogen and the room starts freezing, and it’s genuinely scary.

Thank Lesbian Jesus for Emily Fields, who runs to the rescue and tries to shut down the freezer. She grabs the giant wrench and starts beating the shit out of the control box. Sparks are flying, and Emily gets knocked to the ground.

She watches the window get iced over, obscuring her friends, and it is some suspenseful shit. Emily takes the wrench and starts beating a different part of the machine, and ends up unlocking the door and saving Sparia. She even gives tosses her coat on them, which is hella chivalrous.

Once again, Emily is saving her friends from their own stupidity. Somebody give this girl a golden umbrella already.Toby and Tanner crack open the barrel, and whatever is in there smells like death and garbage. They order in a hazmat team, and Tanner notices drops of blood on the ground.

Back at Brew 2.0, Emily is there to lock up and finds Talia cooking apples. She asks Em to take over the cooking, and picks a leaf out of her hair, which is a CLASSIC lesbian move.

Emily immediately lights the apples on fire and Talia puts them out and tells her to take a breather. Emily Fields can kill industrial freezers but cannot cook apples in a pan. Nobody’s perfect.

At the Montgomery house, Ezra gives Aria a monogrammed leather journal, which is the most lesbian gift that ever lesbianed. He’s been thinking about her essay, and it finally occurs to him that dating a minor means robbing her of all those formative life experiences. He sort of breaks up with her, but tells her to think about her future and whether or not he belongs in it. This might be the most mature thing Ezra has ever said.

Meanwhile, Hanna is yelling at Spencer about Toby ambushing them at the storage unit, and Spencer is all “maybe don’t break into a crime scene!” which is really the pot calling the kettle black at this point. Hanna says that Toby cares more about his job than his friends, and Spencer blames her for dragging Caleb into her mess as well. Hanna storms out and Spencer cries.

Tanner and Toby talk about the barrel, which is being analyzed by forensics. She tells him that he’s a cop now and he can’t withhold information or help his friends. Toby looks torn or maybe he has to poop. Same face, really.

Talia makes Emily some mashed potatoes, and they sit down for a chat. Emily apologizes for acting like a crazy mess and Talia apologizes for being a control freak. However, Talia does not have to apologize for letting her hair down, which is glorious and shiny and probably not full of freeze-dried almonds.

She then admits that she has no interest in Ezra’s flat ass, and that she was only asking Emily to figure out what her steez was. She then tells Emily that she’s interested in her, before rushing back to the kitchen. Talia: just another beautiful Rosewood lesbian who wants in on Emily. She’s soup chef 2.0! Emily is shocked because she has never seen herself in a mirror I guess.

Meanwhile, Hanna is freaking out at Caleb’s apartment about how she screwed them both over and they are definitely getting arrested. Caleb assures her that things will be fine and they’ll be jailbird lovers. Haleb is the new black?

While everyone is dealing with real life drama, Aria is looking at her yearbook, where she has zero activities. One could argue that “not getting killed by an omnipresent maniac” is an accomplishment, but I guess that’s too many words to fit on the page.

Ashley looks at her engagement ring and tries it on. She then tries on the giant cookie as a hat, but it’s too greasy and crumbly to wear out.

Spencer call Toby in tears and accuses him of ambushing her friends. He refuses to talk to her about it, and pretends like he has lots of work to do, but he doesn’t! He’s just ignoring his crying girlfriend in distress. Boyfriend fail.

Meanwhile, A is skulking around the ice cream factory and looking at all of the Liars’ fingerprints on the freezer window. Fifty bucks says that Mona’s body is gonna turn up in that freezer that’s covered with Liar prints.

So, what do we think of Talia and Emily? Temily? Let me know @ChelseaProcrast

Big thanks as always to @PLLBigA for the screencaps! I would burn apples for you anytime!

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