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“Lost Girl” recap (5.8): Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo and Lauren seize an opportunity. Tamsin gets her heart broken. And the gods must be crazy homicidal. Oh and Vex totally has the hots for Teen Wolf.

This is why you never sleep with your roommate. This right here. Tamsin is packing up her belongings in what appears to be a TSA-approved carry on and leaving. Bo is trying to talk her out of moving out, saying something about being on the same team and cross-fandom détente. But our jilted Valkyrie is having none of it. She is taking her suitcase full of hopes and dreams, working handle or not, and going, er, elsewhere. Probably the Motel 6. Honey, splash out, someone at the front desk at the Ritz probably has a lot of doubts. Treat yo self.

As Tamsin leaves she tells Bo there’s no winning with her because her heart will always be with Lauren. She says what Doccubus shippers have been saying all along—they’ll always be a couple, even when they are not a couple. Guys, I know, don’t worry. We’re going to talk allll about it. But, you know, it’s never polite to gloat.

Before she leaves, and throws a little shade at Bo’s wardrobe, Tamsin hands her a letter that arrived earlier. It’s an invitation from the ancients and Bo, Lauren, Dyson and Trick are all on the list. Never mind they tried to kill/maim you with lightning and bugs earlier. By all means accept a party invite from them. It’s black tie, what could go wrong?

Bo thinks this might be a way to find out more about her father. So has she finally told everyone Hades is her father? I swear, this group is the worst when it comes to understanding family lineage. Have you guys considered geneology.com? Or Google? Just saying, there are options other than walking blindly into the enemy’s penthouse apartment.

They decide to take Mark because Kenzi isn’t here and this sorry substitute is all we have. Vex wondering if taking the Little Shit on his first mission without having ever shifted is a good idea. When Vex is the only person making sense—and making fun of Dyson’s vests—you know these characters have a serious rational thinking problem.

In the elevator of well-dressed idiots, Lauren asks if they’re walking into a trap. OK, let me restate that into, in an elevator of well-dressed idiots and Lauren… Her fears are confirmed as they walk out into the most horrifying scene possible—a surprise party for Bo. There are balloons and everything.

Iris is still prepping for the party with her proud papa Hera. This gender flip for the gods is so simple yet so effective. I’m mad I didn’t realize it sooner. But this family dynamic is still weird, regardless of gender. What’s with all the control of Iris? And what’s with her special bracelet? Also, what’s all this about clam dip? Sorry, I’m a lesbian. When you pair the word “clam” with the word “dip” I get excited.

Back at the party, another lesbian woman is getting excited about science. To be more specific, she is getting excited about science’s applications in protecting her on-again, off-again, what-are-they-exactly-again girlfriend. After Bo grabs a cocktail, Lauren pulls a testing strip from her purse to check it. I don’t know exactly what she was checking for—Fae roofies?—but whatever it was tests negative and Bo is allowed to drink up.

The team reassembles to discuss the ancients and the terrific clam dip. Well, at least Trick has his priorities straight. Snacks tell you so much about a party. Bo gives Dyson a syringe filled with bug spray to slow down Hera. Mark fills in for the audience and wonders aloud why Lauren can’t just turn them all human with her Magical Vagina Serum. She not-so-calmly explains that process took months and months to isolate each of Evony’s chromosomes. This actually makes sense. Each serum would have to be individualized for each type of Fae. Duh.

So everyone is given a task: Dyson to find Hera, Mark to find Iris, Bo to find Zeus and Lauren to find any available bodily fluid. Before she leaves on her blood, sweat, saliva mission, Bo decides it is a perfect time to process their relationship.

She wants to talk about what happened during the blackout. But Lauren says she knows the drill, what happens in a blackout stays in a blackout. Lauren gets it and is OK with it being a one-time thing. But then Bo tells her she isn’t. She wants it to be an even with the lights on kind of thing.

Bo says, “There will always be a reason for us not to be together and I don’t want to put this off any longer.” So remember last week when people were like, “But, but—you ignored Doccubus getting back together. How could you ignore Doccubus getting back together?” I didn’t ignore Doccubus getting back together, because they weren’t back together yet.

Lauren swallows hard and says only, “Oh boy.” But a good “oh boy” or a bad “oh boy,” that is the question. And that is the question that will linger because before she has a chance to elucidate, something shiny catches Bo’s eye. Lauren notices the something shiny, too, with a sigh. Dating a succubus must be an infinite loop of noticing her noticing someone else.

Bo tells her they’ll finish “this” later, and walks toward the something shiny. It’s Tamsin, because they’re determined to keep BLT (finally, I know their triangle portmanteau) going until the very last crumb. She is filled with sass and champagne, because if she is going to be part of Operations Ancients Go History (we need a snappier operation name, folks) she is going to do it on her terms.

Bo leaves to find Zeus, but gets found by Iris. They talk about pretty dresses and Greek gods, you know, girlie stuff. And then Bo tries to give her the love touch, but Z walks in. Ugh, ancient gender-fluid omniscient beings are so annoying. Dyson finds his own annoying ancient, Hera, flirting with some girl. So Dyson pricks him with the bug spray and pops him in the teeth for good measure.

Zeus meanwhile is explaining herself to Bo. A rose is a rose is an Amun is an Odin is a Jupiter. Bo wans to know where Zeus’ white hair and thunder thighs have gone. But Z, we’re on a first-letter basis now, tells Bo she is just buying into patriarchal society’s depiction of its most powerful being as male. Well, she ain’t wrong about that.

So now we know Bo has an Auntie Z, though we’re still not sure if she is the cool or crazy kind. But she soon reveals herself to be the “trust me, we’re family”-kind. She’s full of warnings about Hades and reassurances that they’re on the same team. There’s also talk of sinking ships and world’s end. It’s pretty standard family get-together talk, really.

But, just like a good infomercial pitchman, Zeus puts in the hard sell. She says she can give Bo what her heart most desires—freedom from her father. But wait, there’s more. If she acts now she’ll also throw in a set of Ginsu knives. And a melon baller!

Bo isn’t buying it, but Trick—apparently high on clam dip—thinks it might not be a terrible idea. You guys, you know I love you. But, come on—would you please stop taking what insane random people you barely know and likely are trying to kill you say at face value?

But they’re not taking it at face value. They’re taking it at vision value from a drink filled with eyeballs. Wasn’t the drink of prophecy garnished with a boiled egg last time? I’m all for bringing back authentic, old-timey cocktail recipes, but this is too hipster for anyone. Also, where is Lauren with her testing strips? Has no one ever told you to not accept alcoholic beverages from strangers, especially alcoholic beverages with a friend’s eyes swinging in them? Would you also like this candy from this guy who just pulled up in a van?

Grandpa Bad Ideas and Granddaughter Gullible go bottoms up anyway, and they have a vision of woods and blackness and all-consuming nothingness. But they both have it so it has to be true, right? Like your visions while drinking strange, probably drugged cocktails are totally reliable, right? Right? We’re all on board with this? Right?

Remember last year when we were all just supposed to trust Bo’s gut on The Wanderer? Remember when he was her destiny? Has no one heard of stranger danger? This woman cut a swath of destruction through the middle of your city, killed innocent humans and shot lightning out her hands at you. But, sure, listen to her theories on what the mark on your chest means and how Hades is using it to siphon energy and how some anointing and chanting will make it all better.

While all this is happening Mark finds Iris on the balcony and they commiserate about how parents just don’t understand. Tell it to DJ Jazzy Jeff, kids. So they decide to leave the lame grownups party. That’s fine with me. They can leave the whole show for all I care.

Meanwhile, Dyson questions—while having his busted knuckle examined for Hera’s blood sample by Lauren—if this whole emancipation thing should happen. But she shrugs like, I don’t know, I’m just in charge of the science. At least they decide to get themselves some collateral in the shape of Hera.

So, the team is actually going through with this Aslan on the Stone Table situation. Bo even gets to pick her own weapon to carve her father’s mark off her chest. Hey, how about you give them your credit card information and social security number, too, while you’re at it? Let’s please make smarter decisions, guys. Then Bo picks a rusty dagger, so she’s clearly already heeding my advice.

In Iris’ room, Lauren and Tamsin are having some awkward bonding time together as they hold Hera captive. And by bonding I mean passive aggressively trying to avoid the Bo-shaped elephant in the room. But Tamsin decides to be Tamsin and just be direct. She levels her eyes at Lauren and concedes. She says she entered the game and lost—and that the best woman won.

It’s such a grown-up thing to say, but then she has lived for centuries upon centuries, so what were we expecting? A true warrior is gracious in defeat. I like them so much better as friends than rivals. Plus they’re gay women, how could they not be friends? We’re all friends with our exes and exes of exes and exes of those exes and ex-cetera, ex-cetera.

Lauren sits next to Tamsin on the bed to share a quiet moment of mutual respect, but then notices the restraints at the side of the bed. Well, this either got very interesting or very disturbing. Fine, it’s the latter. Hera explains it’s not to torture Iris, but to protect them from her. So little Iris is the one with the real power after all. Interesting. Strange.

Lauren and Tamsin run out to stop the ceremony just before Zeus can cut into Bo’s beautiful skin. Finally, someone does something sensible. But mostly they’re just worried that Mark is with Iris, not that they were about to let an ancient god disfigure their girl.

Plus, they needn’t worry. That Little Shit has been having himself a great time with Iris. He wakes up next to her—though their decision to sleep on the floor instead of one of the house’s many beds is a little suspect. Also, whose house is this anyway? Mark finds a photo of Iris on the fridge and realizes it’s the home of her human vessel. Well, now I’m happy they didn’t sleep in any of the beds because ewww.

Even more eww is that Iris says she sometimes talks to her human host. The girl is still alive—and crying—inside of her because she didn’t kill her like Z and Hera killed theirs. Iris has some grand deluded plans to meet the girls’ parents and become a family again with them.

As if on cue, the dad comes home. He sees her, but knows in his heart it’s not his daughter right away. So she plunges her hand into his chest, just to make sure. This seems like a clear failure in parenting. Not of the father whose blood is rapidly pooling around his body, but of her god parents who didn’t teach her about the fragility of the human heart.

Iris still thinks everything is hunky dory, that all her victims will wake up soon and everything will be fine. But Mark—who went to the Joey Tribbiani School of Flared Nostril Acting—tells her breathlessly that she is pretty much a serial killer. Iris says she won’t let her parents use her anymore and takes off her special bracelet. But then “something” begins happening. Something bad or something good, à la West Side Story? Please be more descriptive with your blandly declarative statements, everyone.

Mark tells her to get out and grabs the bracelet and gets stabbed in the stomach by the girl’s mother for good measure. And that’s the end of Mark. Can Kenzi come back now please and thank you? Kidding, sort of.

At the penthouse, Tamsin is left babysitting the gods. She walks into a domestic squabble between Hera and Z. Hera, hon, why do you let her talk to you like that? You’re not a doormat, you’re a god. Sign up for Tinder or something more befitting your status. OKEros perhaps? Oh, wait, he’s dead.

Z tells Tamsin to tell the others her emancipation offer is a one-time deal. But Tamsin wants Bo to make better relationship choices, period. Sweetie, this is perhaps not the best person to process with. But those damn tricky emotions, they have a way of finding their way out regardless of place and time.

She tells her she’s better off this way. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop anyway. She is a free bird. She thought she’d have this all figured out by her last life. Tough on the outside, tender as ever on the inside this one.

Zeus can’t believe she has just seen a Valkyrie cry. And then offers some less-than friendly advice. People never stop hurting you, so start hurting them. Starting with Tamsin. Also, have you noticed Z is kind of a close talker. Personal bubble, lady.

A bolt of lightning shoots from the sky into Tamsin and she collapses. Zeus walks away smugly and OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST KILL OUR VALKYRIE. But, seriously, she did not just kill our Valkyrie, right?

I have to believe the writers would not kill Tamsin in such an inglorious way. Let her die on the battlefield. Let her sacrifice herself for the world. Anything but this electric bolt to the heart.

Though while we’re on the subject of electric bolts to the heart, Lauren and Bo finally make it official—again. They’ve arrived at a park with Dyson to track Mark and Iris. When they find a bloody jacket Lauren and Dyson go after him while Bo goes after Iris in the other direction. But before they run off in opposite directions, Lauren tells Bo it was, “Oh boy, yes.” It will always be, “Oh boy, yes.”

And that, that is the sound of thousands of Doccubus hearts melting. Shipping is never for the faint of heart. All too often it becomes a contact sport. But for those patient and loyal enough, sometimes that one true pairing will actually ring true. The Doccubus Army have remained faithful foot soldiers through everything. Wolves. Girlfriends in a coma. Wanderers. Valkyries.

So we will take that “oh boy” and protect it with everything we’ve got. Because now that it is in sight, let no man or woman or otherworldly entity tear them asunder. All that’s left is to figure out where Bo put Lauren’s necklace. A diamond may be forever, but a Magical Vagina Necklace is endgame.

Bo leaves with a smile to find Iris, who is picking and disintegrating flowers. Luce would be so upset. This is no way to handle a flower arrangement. I really don’t understand this girl’s power. In Greek mythology she is the rainbow messenger of the gods. But here she turns everything and everyone she touches into a black death. This seems like a sucky power. Maybe you and Rogue could form a support group or launch a line of protective gloves.

Bo tries to comfort her and tells her she hurt people, too, before she understood her abilities. Then she tries to touch her because she is a succubus and just can’t help herself. But it backfires and she gets a case of the black hand in return and realizes it wasn’t her father but Iris who brought all the destruction in her vision. So, have you guys FINALLY learned your lesson about believing the prophecies strangers tell you?

Bo goes to show Trick, who is like, who would have thought visions from a cocktail eyeball could be wrong. Only then does he decide to consult his books. Dude, you basically wrote history. Why are you so bad at researching it?

He finds some passage about the Nyx, a primordial force of evil (and also the goddess of the night)—who is probably possessing Iris. And then remembers another story about a toy box that could contain evil. It’s the original Jack-in-the-Box. You mean that box her papa sent her from Hell? Guess it wasn’t such a shitty gift after all. The box is made of Adamantine, the ore of ancients. Hey, it works for Wolverine.

Back in the park, another wolf is having a hard time focusing. Dyson is franticly trying to find Mark. So Lauren tells him to stop and focus. Lesbros helping lesbros, it’s a beautiful thing. But as he goes off in Mark’s direction, he finds Vex has found the Little Shit first. Mark called him, apparently. Not dad, but Vex. Alright, if he lives we’ll have to talk about that some more.

Bo has returned to the Succu-Shack to retrieve her box. But Zeus has beat her to it. Z tries to zap Bo with her lightning, but it has no effect on her. I guess the benefit of having a dead hand is you can’t kill it.

Then Bo says the most unintentionally hilarious line on the show so far this season: “That’s why you really sent the oracles after me. You were after my box!” Oh my God, can we please print “You were after my box” onto a Lost Girl T-shirt. And send me one.

Zeus tells her she’s not leaving without it, so then they have a knock —down, drag-out fight over who gets to keep Bo’s box. As metaphors for the show go, this one is pretty glorious. Also, TV needs more women kicking each other’s asses in full evening gowns. Dynasty was popular for a reason.

Bo and her dead hand prevail, locking Z outside the front door. I was expecting more fight from the Father of the Gods. But from there she resorts to begging Bo not to open the box. She says then Hades will walk the Earth.

But then Bo remembers something form her oracle vision. I’m fuzzy on the reasons why she suddenly remembers, but perhaps I’m just floored at the sudden sight of daddy. It’s Eric Roberts. Yes, Julia Roberts‘ brother is Bo’s dad. Yes, Emma Roberts’ father is Hades. Yes, it’s kind of perfect.

He tells her, “Only family can destroy family” and that “Our power will determine the fate of this world.” But she will also “do things you don’t want to do” in leading “our victory over night.” He sounds a little like a self-help book from Hell. So now Bo must decide if she is going to make a literal deal with the Devil or not.

He leaves her with one last riddle about the gift, so Bo decides to open it. She turns the crank and the creepy music plays and Zeus wigs out and a light shines out and Bo’s mouth does this. So, then, it’s a pony? I bet it’s a pony.

So that’s it. The first half of the last season of Lost Girl. Was it good for you? When will we be back here recapping the rest? Only the gods know, and maybe Jay Firestone. Not that I’m confusing the two. Not at all.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Mackenzie Malikov, you’d better be back for the last eight episodes. Until then, Bo is left wondering stuff like this alone.

“The question is what kind are you? The cool aunt who buys you condoms or the crazy aunt who ruins Christmas.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

No, yours look nicer in your dress. No yours. No, really, yours.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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