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“Lost Girl” recap (5.1): “You kind of peaked at ‘sack of tits'”

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo spent an entire season trying to figure out whether a dude she met on a train was worth dumping her friends over. They got married, but then he died so it’s cool. Tamsin is not-so secretly in love with Bo. Lauren has a not-so secret magic vagina. Kenzi is not-so secretly Bo’s heart. Kissing, kissing, kissing. Hale died. Kenzi sacrificed herself. More kissing. Lauren gave Bo a necklace of her magical vagina (essentially). And now Bo is looking for a killer pair of Hell Shoes.

Wait, where are we? Is that the Grand Canyon? Why is Bo in the Grand Canyon? Has she decided to finally, fully embrace lesbianism and open a small turquoise jewelry shop in Arizona? She can also sell dreamcatchers and self-brewed herbal teas.

Oh, sorry, she’s not scouting store locations? She is searching for the other Hell Shoe. I think. It’s still possible she might be trying to collect giant feathers from whatever outsized mystical bird nest she has just found for those dreamcatchers. A girl can dream.

Nope, I was right. It’s that Hell Shoe. And in grand Lost Girl tradition, the series sets up a mission that seems impossible and treacherous and monumental and arduous, only to resolve it in less than three minutes. Cough, The Yawning, cough. Oh, show, you know I love you, but this is no way to kick off a season premiere.

Also, I have so many questions. How did the Hell Shoe get there? Why does a bird thing have it? What lead Bo to Arizona? Is it still possible she is opening that turquoise jewelry shop?

Anna Silk shows off her post-post pregnancy season body to full effect in the rock-climbing scene. But then she loses her grip and plummets to what should be a certain death. Instead it just results in a nasty arm gash and possible coma. Luckily, some rapey back-hills mouth-breathers come along and threaten her unconscious body with sexual violence. That is not a sentence I ever thought I would write or ever hope to write again.

Bo super sucks (not in that way, what is wrong with you?) the unsavory characters and leaves the rapiest of them with some serious damage to his manhood and future ability to perpetuate sexual menace. It should be noted that throughout this entire scene Bo is most definitely wearing Lauren’s Magical Vagina Necklace.

Bo returns home (But seriously, how close is Arizona to Bo’s place. Did she fly commercial? Can you imagine her trying to get those knives through TSA?) and searches for the other shoe in its hiding place. When it’s not there she screams for her “roommate” with annoyance.

Look, it’s Tam-Tam and her OTP: Fruity Pebbles cereal. Tamsin offers a lame denial, but then issues a renewed warning about using both the Hell Shoes to rescue Kenzi from Valhalla. Bo wants to know why she shouldn’t go. But Tamsin can’t tell her why. Not even if the reason was sexy dragons.

Tamsin tells her the next-in-charge after the dead Una Mens has the other shoe. So that would be Trick. He is with Dyson at the Dal Riata discussing the optimal cuts for men’s leather vests, I’m assuming. Grandpa warns her against going to Valhalla, too. But Bo is having none of it, and also passive aggressively zings Dyson for holding her back from saving Kenzi in the first place. So Trick gives her the shoe and tells the worthy hero to go get Kenz back. He also tells her to say hi to her G-Ma if she sees her.

When next we see Dr. Lauren Lewis she is busily running the Marquise Medical Center. What is the Marquis Medical Center? I have absolutely no idea. But, hey, did you know the last name of Evony, the leader of Dark Fae turned human by Lauren’s Magical Vagina, is Marquise? The more you know.

OK, once again, I have so many questions. When did this center open? Is it funded by the Morrigan? How much time has passed since the season finale because this thing looks fully stocked and operational and it takes more than a hot second to get a medical facility off the ground, right?

Bo arrives with her matching set of Hell Shoes and they exchange meaningful glances filled with concern and probably lust. It’s Bo and Lauren, there’s always a little lust involved. Bo, now in some sort of observation room, rattles off the reasons the Hell Shoe situation is tricky. The last person she saw put them on went on a murder spree and had to be you know what. Killed, it’s killed. I’m concerned as well, but also distracted because, Zoie Palmer, hey girl—long time no see. Your hair looks great.

Bo gets distracted, too, and starts reminiscing about the time she went back in Dyson’s subconscious and Lauren was there and sang in French and, wait, what were we talking about again?

Lauren asks if she was any good and Bo gives her an A+. I’m going to assume she means more than just her French singing because we all know it’s true. Dr. Lauren Lewis is an A+ student in all aspects of life, particularly those aspects that involve kissing and/or nakedness. Preferably both. Look at Bo’s smile; you know I’m right.

Bo frets about hurting someone while under the thrall of the Hell Shoes. Can shoes have you in thrall? I don’t know, I’m a lesbian and all my shoes are sensible. Please explain, straight ladies. Lauren says she won’t let it happen and they’ll monitor her carefully the whole time with science things and other stuff that beeps.

Bo puts one of the shoes on, and immediately grabs Lauren by the throat. Then she giggles heartily. Lauren’s face goes through the classic stages of “Oh, Shit, Is My Girlfriend Trying To Kill Me?”

Any good relationship naturally comes with a healthy dose of fear. Bo was joking, of course, and Lauren gets out a few tepid laughs that try to say, “I wasn’t terrified. Don’t worry. I trust you. Your power never scares me. Hahahahaha!”

But it’s back to business because there are shoes to wear and Kenzis to save. Lauren tells Bo to not put on the other shoe for at least another 20-30 minutes while all the monitors are hooked up. But Bo being Bo, she says she can’t wait those extra few minutes and puts the other shoe on anyway while Lauren chatters on about the precision of rectal thermometer readings. But then she rethinks that method. So not an ass woman—got it.

The shoes disappear off (or dissolve into—it’s unclear) Bo’s feet and then her brown eyes go blue which means, oh boy, here we go. Lauren commands her to control herself and remember who she is. She tells her to hold her hand because as you know there is no problem that cannot be solved by the power of holding hands.

As they touch a searing white light bursts forth. I thought this might be the source of Lauren’s glowing fist from the Season 5 posters, but she touched her with her left hand. Her Magical Glow Fist is in her right hand in the promo.

Bo disappears off of the exam table and reemerges on a fancy spiral staircase in some even fancier hotel foyer. I was not expecting Valhalla to look like the Ritz-Carlton. Though, I guess if it looked like a La Quinta, I’d be even more bummed out. Bo is then promptly mistaken for the florist by the Mistress Freyja, who appears to be the head goddess in charge of this joint. Well, you can understand the confusion; all the cutest gay ladies are florists.

But Freyja soon figures out Bo is no florist and then there’s a pretty good joke about flower fondling. I think even Georgia O’Keeffe would be proud.

Bo tells her she is looking for a friend, but Freyja tells her to check in and, hey, what’s your name? Are you booked here? Bo uses the old, “Look, something shiny!” technique by pointing out what looks like a beach volleyball team still in uniform ready for check in. Then they both lose track of what they were talking about ogling the eye candy.

I will never stop loving this show’s celebration of the female gaze.

So our Bo-Bo doesn’t get dispatched to whatever black, cindery vortex Freyja dispatches another uninvited guest. But her charms don’t work on the touchphobic desk clerk so she sets her sights on another hotel employee. If you said to yourself under your breath, “Let it be the maid. Let it be the maid,” you will not be disappointed. Leave it to our Bo-Bo to find the skimpiest uniform to steal. Atta girl.

Back in decidedly not the Ritz, Tamsin is alternately eating hoagies and hurling them at trashy daytime television. Lauren arrives and assesses the sad scene, then demands to know everything about the under realms. And then this happens.

Tamsin: Eat a sack of tits.

Lauren: Sorry, what did you say to me?

Tamsin: Eat. A sack. Of tits. [big smile]

Lauren: Right, OK. Why?

Tamsin: Because then your mouth would be full of tits and I wouldn’t have to listen to your dumbass voice.

OK, everyone pack it up. Nothing left to see here. That’s our show. We hope you enjoyed it. Please pick up your complimentary sack of tits at the door on the way out.

Yeah, I rewatched that scene like six times.

Lauren dismisses the inappropriate snacking option, shuts off the TV and gets real with our little Valkyrie. She tells her for a person who claims to love Bo and Kenzi, she isn’t showing it. Tamsin weakly retorts that Lauren should wear some glasses. She squints back at her and says, “Hmm, you kind of peaked at sack of tits.”

Oh, show, see—this is why I forgive you all your flaws. That, and the hot lesbian sex.

Tamsin knows an expert burn when she hears one and relents. She grabs a knife and cuts into the couch cushions. This is why Bo can’t have nice things. She retrieves a diary and hands it to Lauren, but tells her no one can know or they’ll kill her. I’ll assume she isn’t being hyperbolic here, because this isn’t just a documentation of her first kisses and fingerbangs. Though, um, if those are in there I wouldn’t be against reading them. For science.

Lauren tells Tamsin they’ve all made sacrifices, except for her. So it’s time to get her Valkyrie on. Poor Tamsin, caught between the Valhalla and whatever indiscernible city this show is set in (a.k.a. Actually Toronto).

Speaking of Valhalla, Bo gets on the elevator in her pilfered (and extremely form fitting—thank you, as always, costume department) maid’s uniform. But this is the elevator of infinite buttons. I mean, could you imagine if some obnoxious kid pressed all the floors on this thing?

Bo is bewildered, but then looks for visible signs of chocolate. She finds “Kenzi prints” on floor 1300. Oh, hey, anyone else notice that the floors are most definitely not in order? Working room service here must be an absolute bitch.

Bo follows the chocolate smears to a room and goes inside. There she finds the Kenziest of Kenzis gorging herself on bon-bons and Nutella. Oh, honey child, we’ve missed you so.

They hug and catch up in an epic bout of adorable cross talk which involves discussion of dress material and hair length. Naturally. All of last season’s stupidity is promptly forgiven (how’s that for plot expediency), but before they can proceed Kenzi insists on a safety test.

Mother’s maiden name? Favorite wing sauce? Middle name? Favorite alias? It’s Toni with an “I” Soprano. They pass with flying colors and then celebrate the hellhole they’re stuck in with a Belgian waffle.

Kenzi swears it has been a five-star nightmare. Any Ben & Jerry’s flavor she wants around the clock, including the discontinued ones. Change of scenery out her hotel window, with a simple phone call. Heretofore unrealized sequels and prequels to all her favorite movies, which are all super watchable. And couture dresses in her exact size and hard to pinpoint style, all in anticipation of some party she is going to host.

So, basically, it’s heaven—heaven with a mystical concierge service and unlimited access to Chunky Monkey. The only teeny-tiny non-luxury resort perk is daily phone calls from some heavy breather. Well, that’s not ominous.

Back in a world without infinite ice cream, Lauren, Dyson and Bo are poring over Tamsin’s journal. Lauren frets they’re being tortured or burned alive or even worse buried alive. Cough, foreshadowing, cough. She is also mad at Tamsin for not helping. But Trick explains that a Valkyrie’s blood is bound by secrecy. So, in short, she talks, she dies.

Lauren probably feels a tiny bit bad now for that guilt trip. But maybe not. Lauren is a pragmatic lady. Dyson finds an interesting passage about a guy’s enormous something, but it also mentions some different realms. This gets everyone talking about the beef roast. Damn, now I’m hungry.

Actually, it’s the Bifröst, which we all know thanks to our handsome friend Thor/Chris Hemsworth. But if muscly Gods of Thunder aren’t your thing Natalie Portman, Kat Dennings and Jaimie Alexander are also in those movies. Plenty of ladies to thunder about, if you know what I mean. Sorry, wrong franchise.

Tamsin goes on to write that the wearer of the Hell Shoes can collect souls in Valhalla in order to raise a dark army and bring about Hell on Earth. So, hey, that seems like an important bit of information everyone should have been aware of beforehand, no?

Dyson also recognizes a sketch of some gates, where he found Tamsin after she delivered Kenzi to Valhalla. They plan to use the lock of Tamsin’s hair Massimo took to open the gate. I don’t really know, just go with it. It’s so much easier if you just go with it. Oh, and has anyone deciphered all the potential plot points on this journal page yet? I leave it in your capable hands, obsessive fandom.

While Dyson and Lauren are planning for Breakin’ into Valhalla: Electric Boogaloo, Tamsin is already there. Freyja is throwing a fit about lame chairs, emphasis on the throwing. Tamsin tells her she is just delivering a soul, and also thanks for being so…great. If ever there was a moment to add “in bed” to a statement, this is it.

Stacey, the Mean Girl of Valkyries, saunters up to Freyja and sasses about Tamsin’s close acquaintance with complex carbs. Seems our little Tam-Tam is a bit of an outcast. She made that deal for an extra seven lives and folks up in heaven are peeved. But, really, who can stay angry at this face?

Tamsin implores Frejya, the Mother of Valkyries, to talk with her about liberation. But she is interested in “a far different kind of release.” Um, ma’am, this appears to be classic quid pro quo sexual harassment. As your direct supervisor, this sort of this-for-that sexual innuendo is a clear violation of workplace policies. You are spoiling for a lawsuit.

What? I just had to go through my company’s annual sexual harassment training seminar. Tamsin tells her about the Fae and human who are here, but it’s not their time. But Frejya says it’s her turn to do what she has to do. It’s time for her to clean up her mess and be who she has to be. And the phone rings again.

While Tamsin is grappling with her true self, Bo and Kenz are sipping champagne on a double pillow top. But how can this be heaven when there’s been no pizza yet? I demand pizza. There’s a knock on the door, but it isn’t a mind-reading pizza guy. Instead it’s an envelope. Inside there’s a photo of Hale and Kenzi with the inscription, “See you soon, Little Mama.” And there’s also a wedding invitation. Her wedding invitation. To Hale. Way to bury the lede.

Next the BFFs have an existential discussion about where Kenzi should be. Should she go back to Earth or stay in Heaven with Hale? Would it be right to take her away? Would it be possible to leave here there? This is exactly the discussion they should have had before bringing Buffy back in Season 6.

Tamsin finally answers the big blue phone, and immediately goes into Sleeper Agent Valkyrie mode. There’s even a code phrase to activate her: “Eyes both brown and blue. Virtuous yet lustful. Heart both strong and gentle. Neither Dark nor Light. Yet both. She is yours.”

Next Tamsin accosts Kenz in the lobby. The latter is thrilled to see her T-Boz. The former just wants to find Bo. And she’ll invade anyone and everyone’s 7-inch personal space bubble to find her. Sleeper Agent Tamsin promises not to hurt Kenzi, just squeeze her until she pops. To this Kenzi delivers a croquet mallet to the jaw. Hey, don’t be mad, Tam-Tam, she was aiming for your boob.

Bo is checking out the wedding venue. She is such an attentive maid of honor. But the bachelorette will have to wait because Mean Valkyrie Stacey arrives. Bo pumps her (not in that way, what is wrong with you?) for information about Hale. He is on his way over the beef roast, or whatever, and even had a white fedora made for the occasion. So it’s him. But that doesn’t mean there won’t still be complications.

One of them has chased Kenzi up to her hotel room. She does a full Jack Nicholson in The Shining on the door, complete with a “Heeeeeere’s Tami!” Subtle? No. Effective? Yes.

Just then, Bo arrives. You might want to get some popcorn, this is gonna be some first-rate entertainment. Bo and Tamsin smackdowns are my favorite.

It does not disappoint, with some excellent axe wielding and elbows to the chin. But Bo doesn’t want to hurt Tamsin, she just wants her to act like Tamsin again. A little love touch to the throat does the trick and all the fight goes out of our Valkyrie.

Through tears Tamsin tells Bo she doesn’t want her to see her like this. This is what she does in Valhalla, and it isn’t pretty. Poor noble, ruthless Valkyrie. But she confesses that the happiness Bo felt when she fed off her wasn’t from any booty call with Dyson, but that for the first time in all her lives she has a family. And she doesn’t want to live her last life without her. Yeah, just Rachel Skarsten killing it.

The big blue phone rings again and it’s him. No, not the dumb, pointless Wanderer, but the real man who hired her to deliver Bo. But Bo says he can leave a message because she has a wedding to attend, dammit.

Ever the dutiful maid of honor, she give Kenz her something old, new, borrowed and blue. They are, respectively, a handkerchief from Joan of Arc, matches from the gift shop, Bo’s leg holstered knife and—OK, she doesn’t have something blue. But, wait, yes she does. Blaze them baby blues, lady. Kenzi corrects her, obvs.

Then they get to the “I love you, man” part of the pre-wedding. You saved me. No, you saved me. I love you. No, I love you. I want you to be happy. No, I want you to be happy. Tears, hugs, lady feelings. I’m not going to lie, because it’s a sin to do in recaps and also leads to run-on sentences, for a minute I was really worried Kenzi would stay. This is her shot at happiness. The brass ring. The sunset ride. Maybe Kenzi should stay in heaven — stupid, luxurious heaven.

The doors swing open and it seems like Kenzi’s dream dead wedding is going to really happen. But it’s all so hazy. And bright. Also, why were they so worried about the chairs since there is no one to sit in them?

Bo gets a strange feeling, and goes ahead to check that the silhouetted figure at the altar is really Hale. She tells Kenzi to wait, Kenzi of course doesn’t wait. And then he is gone, nothing left but white rose petals and an equally white fedora.

And just like that Kenzi’s corpse bride dreams are over. Freyja has sent Hale back. I’m fuzzy on the details. Something about promising, something about souls, something about him. Bo finally puts it together—him is her father. Ugh, daddy issues are the worst.

This was what Daddy Deadliest wanted all along. He planned this because he knew Bo would follow Kenzi into Valhalla. Did he also plan all that Wanderer nonsense? Because what a waste of everyone’s damn time.

Bo offers herself up in exchange for Kenzi’s soul. Send her down to the black cindery place instead. Just then Tamsin comes running in screaming about how these two souls can’t be separated. Aw, how cute, she totally ships their friendship.

There’s some more complicated other realm speak about promised souls and who can take them and when and why. See, Bo could take Kenzi if she was her claimed human. But, yeah. Remember that whole unclaiming thing Kenzi demanded? Stuff like that always comes back to bite you in the incredibly perky tuchus, sweetie. Freyja doesn’t see the claim, so she sends Bo into the abyss.

All that’s left is Lauren’s Magical Vagina Necklace, which must have fallen off in the soul sucking (not in that way, what is wrong with you?). Mean Girl Stacey picks it up confirming her status as The Worst.

She taunts Kenzi a little, because that’s what she does, and then says she needs to balance the books. To keep Frejya happy she has to find another soul to replace Kenzi—a soul close to Bo’s heart. Tamsin screams at her to stay away from them, but the lesbian guards hold her back.

The camera cuts to Lauren and Dyson at the disguised gates of Valhalla. We close up on Lauren’s face. Juxtaposition is not presage, right? Right?! Lauren is clutching Tamsin’s hair and there’s an incantation because there is always an incantation.

Dyson wolfs open the gates after they hear a familiar scream. They step across the threshold and Lauren Valkyrie-faces out. There’s talk of trespass and human souls. Also, girl, you need a lozenge because your voice sounds crazy. Also, you could possibly use some under eye concealer. Just saying.

Then Lauren passes out, Tamsin’s hair disintegrates and they both realize it’s Kenzi they heard. Hey, remember when I was talking about foreshadowing? Yep, Kenzi was indeed returned to her body. The only problem is Kenzi’s body is in a coffin buried alive.

While Kenz is living all of our worst nightmares, Bo is back on that elevator of infinite choices. One button burns blue, and she slams it in. Time to meet daddy.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Oh Lil Mama, how we missed you so. Never leave us again.

“Do you know how many emojis I wanted to text you about this place?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Post-pregnancy boobs are gone. Long live regular boobs.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com

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